Making Known the Unknowns of the "Nons"

Sometimes, the things that scare us the most about a situation, are the unknowns. It is doubly difficult if you aren't in the best head space to begin with. Today, maybe I can give someone who is thinking about going to a Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meeting, some peace of mind by telling you all, a little about what it's like and what you can and cannot expect. 

It is easy to get some pretty weird pre-conceived notions about what a meeting is like if you have never been. Often the mere mention of going to a meeting for some, can bring on feelings of being preached at, churchy and forced rules. After all, addiction is tough subject matter, so I guess there is an expectation that a meeting with the focus of addiction might be a little more complicated than it actually is. 

Others though, seem to put a wall up when the two "Nons"(Al-Anon and Nar-Anon) are mentioned because in some weird part of their brain, they see a meeting and those in attendance as trying to control them. I guess it makes sense that some might see it this way, because there is nothing that a controlling enabler hates more than someone trying to control them. 

Finally, there are those that feel that going to a meeting makes their situation too public and much too real. They are under the impression that they have the power to "fix" their situation and their addict without the help of a bunch of strangers at a meeting. Also, by breaking down and going, they might also actually have to admit that there is a problem which might totally kill their denial buzz. 

I can tell you from personal experience, that the reality is that none of these are correct. When you attend a "Non" meeting you are not there to be preached at about God or any other deity, and far from controlling, "Non" meetings are designed to allow you to make the best decisions for you. There is no control involved. And let's face it, if you show up at a "Non" meeting, you already have admitted that you are in over your head with addiction and your addict. You have likely already realized that "fixing" your addict is way above your pay grade. 

Feeling any better? The fact is, that a "Non" meeting is likely a meeting like none you have ever attended before. 

First of all, don't let the word meeting throw you off. Most of us view meetings as a group of people, in a room or office, where someone is in control and they do most of the talking, while everyone else listens, takes notes and speaks if asked. A "Non" meeting isn't really like that at all. 

While "Non" meetings do take place in a space big enough for those involved, that is pretty much where the similarities end. At a "Non" meeting, there is no one in control. In other words, everyone present is a family member or friend of an alcoholic or addict, but no one is above anyone else and no one is in charge or in control of anything. All are there for the same reason and trust me, by the time you have humbled yourself to the point of feeling this out of control, you have no desire to be in control of anything....including a meeting. 

At each meeting a leader is asked to volunteer for that meeting and that meeting alone, and when they do, their purpose is to read the opening and the closing and to start and end the meeting. They also collect any money donated at the meeting so that it can be given to the treasurer. *** The treasurer is agreed upon by the group and this person is responsible for depositing donations and purchasing any books or "Non" materials. That is as political or governed as "Non" gets. 

As for rules, they are pretty simple too. There are no bosses. No one is in control and no one runs the show. Whoever leads each time is a volunteer and everyone present is usually pretty careful to make sure that everyone gets a turn and takes a turn as leader. Those in attendance at a meeting, have the expectation of anonymity, and pretty much what happens at a meeting, stays at a meeting. Those present do not cross-talk, which means that if someone is talking, others present do not interrupt them, nor do they express their opinion on someone else's "share." A share by the way, is when it is your turn to talk and you say whatever is on your mind or on topic for that meeting. 

"Nons" do not affiliate themselves with anything other than AA or NA. They do not affiliate themselves with anything political or any business or corporation. While there is talk of a Higher Power, there is no affiliation with any church or religion and Higher Power can refer to anything you see as bigger than yourself. Finally, and maybe most importantly, "Nons" go on the premise that everyone has an opinion and a story. We  "share" to take the weight off ourselves and also, in the hopes that maybe our situation or story, can help someone else. That being said though, while many times we hear things in meetings that are just what we needed to hear, sometimes we hear things that either don't apply to us or that we simply don't agree with. That is why it even says in our closing that "You take what you need and leave the rest." 

When you enter a "Non" meeting for the first time, there is usually coffee available and you will enter into a room where others are likely already there. They will ask you your name and someone may even ask you if this is your first meeting. You only give them your first name and let them know that yes...you are a newbie. They will say "Welcome" and "Glad you are here." 

The leader will likely already have volunteered for the position and will have the opening ready (the opening is the same at all meetings no matter where you go) and at precisely the starting time, the leader will begin the meeting and read the opening, followed by any announcements or birthdays. Birthdays are not actually biological birthdays, but they are yearly from the date of your first meeting, much like the addict/alcoholic. You will then be invited as a group to recite The Serenity Prayer. This is not a requirement though, by any means. You then will begin going around the table or group, saying your name and have each person read one of the 12 Steps. Books are provided with the steps and usually, the walls have posters of the Steps, Concepts, Traditions and Slogans, so you can read right from the wall if you like. Once this is all out of the way, the leader will then either give the group a prechosen topic or will ask for topic ideas. Once the topic is chosen, this will be the crux of the meeting and either the leader will choose someone to begin sharing or someone will volunteer. 

A share can be done in a lot of ways. Many times a new person will decline a share and just say they are there to listen until they get comfortable with everything. Sometimes long time members will choose to pass too. Sometimes members attend, not to talk, but to listen, for the wise person knows that often we get far more from listening than talking. If this is what you choose, then it is absolutely fine. Someone else though, may pick up one of the books provided for the meeting and find the topic in the book and read about it. Another person may have something to share where the topic pertains to something they are going through and finally, someone else may need to share about something that has nothing to do with the topic, but is important for their own recovery. Once the share is complete, the group thanks them for being there and then it moves onto the next person. 

I think here is where I will elaborate a little more on the "sharing." I can't speak for anyone else but in my life, whenever I have been faced with something extremely difficult, I always look for someone who has been through it and survived. That is what "Non" meetings are, they are meetings full of those who have been fighting the war of loving someone with an addiction and they are surviving....one day at a time. Their shares, while being therapeutic for them, also tell their stories and give others in the room hope. Those shares tell everyone their that they are not alone and that others have been in their shoes and survived. 

Another thing about shares is that often, whatever the topic is, we can relate our current situation to it, whether it is one of the steps, a slogan, or a topic like detachment. On those occasions though, when you have just had a horrible week and need to talk about it and it has nothing to do with the topic at hand, that is perfectly fine too. The only two "rules" for sharing are that, no one is there to fix the addict or alcoholic. We are there for ourselves, to make ourselves, healthy, happy and whole, therefore, we need to keep the focus on ourselves as much as possible. The other thing is, most meetings try to stay at one hour, so you need to read the room and figure out the number of people present and try to keep your share fairly condensed to make sure everyone has a chance to share. On the occasion though that the share need is greater than maybe you think there is time for, it is perfectly okay to go over a bit. We all have those meetings and no one gets upset if the meeting runs a little long because someone needed a little extra time. 

Once everyone has had a chance to share, then the leader will do the closing. The closing like the opening is the same wherever you go. At the end, everyone is invited to stand, hold hands and say the Our Father. It is by no means again, a requirement though and at the very end, we remind each other to "Keep coming back. It works if you work it," referring to the program and the meetings. This is usually followed by a lot of hugs which you can participate in or not. 

Let me break this down a bit further. Yes, the beginning and end do have prayers, but your vision of God or a Higher Power may not be my vision and vice versa. You look to the Higher Power you are comfortable with. It maybe God, it may be the universe and it may be something totally different. It will however, always be something bigger than yourself. 

The Serenity Prayer at the beginning reminds us that there has to be something bigger than we are, or else we wouldn't have the need to be there. After all, if we could fix our addict/alcoholic and the situation ourselves, wouldn't we have already done that? And the final Our Father is definitely born in Christianity, but again, it brings us to the fact that we can't do this alone, and we are admitting we are powerless and need to turn our situation into bigger hands than our own. One more time though, participating in opening and closing prayers are not a requirement to going to a "Non" meeting and no one stands in judgement of you if you choose not to participate.

So what about these Steps? Are you required to do the steps at meetings? No. You are not required to do anything at these meetings and while The Steps are referred to and talked about at meetings, Step work is usually done outside the meetings and on your own time and usually with a sponsor.

A sponsor. What is that and do I have to have one? A sponsor is someone who usually either has been  in "Non" for a long time, or has an especially good handle on what the program is about. To get a sponsor, you simply ask someone that you think might be a good fit with you, and if they feel that they are good sponsor material for you, then they will agree to do it and the two of you will figure out a sponsor/sponsee relationship that works for you. 

A sponsor will help to guide you through the program, the Steps,  and even through your life when you struggle. They can be your best friend or your worst enemy as they will always be dead honest with you and not pull any punches. Trust me, it is what you need if you want to get the most from your program. And....you may go through a few sponsors before you find one that is a good fit, and this is absolutely okay. Do you have to have one? No. Do you need one? Probably, but the beauty of the program is that you can always choose a sponsor when you are ready, but again....not a requirement to be in the program.

A "Non" meeting, will likely be the scariest meeting you ever go to the first time. It will not be because of the meeting itself, it will be because of your preconceived notions about your ability to handle your addict and their addiction and also, you might be leery of just what might go on behind the closed doors of the meeting. Once there though, it will likely be the easiest decision you have ever made, to come back, not to mention the best decision you have ever made. Like anything else, if you go to a meeting and it is not a good fit, then try another. Also, give any "Non" meeting you go to, at least six tries. You deserve to do that for yourself and most people find that after six tries, they are getting something positive out of the meetings that keeps them coming back. 

Is Al-Anon and Nar-Anon for everybody? No! It is only for those who are sick and tired of being sick and tired and are powerless over both their addict and the addiction. It is for those that realize that if they had any true control over the situation, that their addict would not be an addict. And finally, it is for those who realize that they are to the point of feeling insane, trying to fix that which is not for them to fix. Until and unless you are one of these people then you are probably right.....the "Nons" are not for you.   

Well, maybe this will help someone. Maybe this will ease someone's mind and help them to find a meeting and give their own recovery a try. Trust me, they aren't just words, the program does work. All that is required of you is....to work it!

So if you think one of the "Nons" might be for you, you can look online and find local meetings near you. Since COVID, lots of online meetings and zoom meetings are also out there. If you still can't seem to find one and need help, please don't hesitate to contact me and together maybe we can find a meeting that is just right for you. 

Until next time, please know that you are worth it, happiness is an option, and recovery is possible. 

***There is no charge to go to a meeting but people usually throw in a dollar or two to help offset the cost of coffee and "Non" reading materials and books.***

Dealing With Family and Friends

Sometimes, when we have an addict in our world, it is actually not the addict that is the hardest person to deal with. Often, there are family members or friends who are much more difficult than the addict themselves. This usually springs from the fact that those difficult family members and friends don't actually live in the home with the addict and they don't see just who the addict really is while in active addiction. Unless you are faced with addiction and an addict up close and personally, people just don't have an understanding of what you might be going through. Because of this, there can be a great deal of struggle, misinformation and denial going on with them, and that can get thrown right back on you. 

The truth is, that it isn't always the family members and friends fault. If your addict was a really good person  pre-addiction, and that is the only version they know of the addict, then they are going to have no idea that this person has turned into one of the worlds best liars and manipulators, and they will not be able to reconcile the person they think they know to the person they are now dealing with. They will also not see that this addict can read a room like no other and will know who they can manipulate and who they can't. So they will not see it coming when the addict puts on a good face to get anything from money to a ride or anything else they think they might want or need in the moment. Yep, if you don't know addiction or addictive behavior, then you can't possibly prepare yourself for what is to come.

I have heard so many people talking about along with dealing with their addict, also having to deal with other family members. It is frustrating when those outside your addiction bubble aren't privy to the anger, the name calling, the mood swings, the lying, the stealing and the disrespect for anyone and everyone. All those outside the bubble see is what the addict wants them to see and because the addict can be a charming yet narcissistic creature, those family and friends on the outside will believe them above you a good percent of the time. And because they are not part of the active addiction, they have no understanding of your need for boundaries or detachment, thus, you are seen as too judgmental, too insensitive, too mean or just flat out a liar, while the addict comes out smelling like a rose. 

The worst situations though, can arise when you try to tell family and friends not to give the addict money and in some cases, to not even let the addict into their homes......and yet they ignore you and do it anyway. The addict has them so thoroughly convinced that you are crazy, delusional or just out to get them, so ultimately those on the outside have no idea they are being enablers, but instead see themselves as knights in shining armor, helping the poor addict, because you refuse to. It is frustrating, infuriating, and in the end, you always end up looking like a mean and uncaring monster, just because you have boundaries and are willing to stick to them. 

So what do we do about these friends and family who refuse to see the truth and insist on seeing us as the bad guy and the addict as a victim? The answer is simple. You do nothing and let them figure it out for themselves. I learned the hard way, that if you tell someone once what the situation is and warn them to protect their money, their possessions, their residence and their hearts from the addict and they don't listen, then telling them a second time or a twenty-second time will not make them any more willing to listen or hear you. Often, them finding out the hard way after they have been used, stolen from and ultimately hurt over the situation is they only way they end up seeing the truth. 

In the beginning, when my son was just starting down the path to active addiction, and long before I found Al-Anon, I still knew something wasn't right. I wasn't exactly sure what was going on, but I saw how fast money was going through his hands with nothing to show for it, how his behaviors were changing day by day for the worse, and I saw the rough crowd he was starting to hang with. Even just knowing all of this and yet really knowing nothing, I knew that giving him money was a horrid mistake. Luckily, I had none to give him, but at some point, I started thinking about those in my world who might. Little did I know though, he had already been spreading the word how awful I was, how unfair I was, and how I was just plain crazy, and sadly, more people than I would like to admit, believed him. So when I started telling people that something was going on with him and not to give him money for any reason, there were those that saw me as the villain and him as the victim. Again, luckily, there were not that many in our world that had the money to give, so regardless of what some thought of me, they didn't have the means to hand him money or "help" him out. Unfortunately however, there was one who did.....my dad. 

My dad at the time, was your typical senior man who had invested well, saved well and had prepared well for retirement. What he didn't do well, was listen to others. He and I didn't have the best of relationships to begin with, although, funny thing, his feelings for me didn't carry over to his grandkids. He was crazy about them.......at least until they made him mad or disappointed him. At this time, my addict had yet to do either. My son knew full well though, that staying on his grandfathers good side was imperative in order to get a steady stream of money and what better way to do that, then to keep my dad and I at odds. I told my dad many a time not to give my son money, and each time he did it anyway, often telling him not to tell me. I even broke down crying to my dad and begging him not to give my son anymore money because he was an addict, and my dad flat out told me that I was being ridiculous and that I was just jealous of the relationship between him and my son. It was so frustrating and at the time, a little hurtful too. 

It wasn't until much later that I learned just how much money he had given my addicted son, and by this time, everyone knew my sons situation. Rather though, than admit that he hadn't listened to me and had given my son all of this money despite what I had told him, he instead told others that I had simply taken the money from him, and put the blame squarely on me. Again....hurtful, but not surprising. 

Later on, as I joined Al-Anon and learned the tools needed for loving an addict, I also learned that I had no control over what others did or thought, addict or not. I realized that my constantly telling others that my son was an addict and not to be trusted, really helped no one, especially if they already had their minds made up. I learned while standing back and watching, that eventually, my sons own actions would be his undoing where these people were concerned and at some point, they would and did see the truth, even if like my dad, they had to learn the hard way. 

As time went on, and my son fell further into his addiction, those whom he had tried to keep up a good front with, soon became expendable in his life and not worth his time or effort, if money, a place to stay or rides weren't involved, since the end game was to keep the addiction and the addict lifestyle going. What is truly sad though, is that some of those people who refused to believe what he was doing until he himself showed them, now forever view him as that person. It is sad too, because my son the recovering addict is really a pretty awesome person. Maybe one day they will find this out.  

I guess the bottom line is, if you have an addict in your life and you have family and friends causing more of a struggle in your life than even your addict is, my suggestion to you is as always, go to meetings and put the focus on you. Gain the tools you need at those meetings, but don't try to tell others what they refuse to hear. You can only take care of you. In the end, they will likely have to learn the hard way and yes, that can make your addict collateral damage, by them giving him money or enabling him, but your addict and his/her enablers are entitled to make their own choices, even if they are bad ones.

Also remember, if your family members and friends get too toxic in your life, detaching and boundaries are not just good to help the situation with your addict. Sometimes a few good boundaries and a little detaching from other individuals in your life will also help more than you can know. 

Traditionally, other family members and friends can be considered a great support system, unfortunately though, because addiction is what it is, this is not always the case when you are dealing with an addict. Sometimes, in order to survive, you  have to detach from those on the outside and keep your boundaries strong and tight even from the most well intentioned people, in order to keep your own peace and your own sanity. 

So if  you or someone you know is dealing with an addict and feels powerless  over the addiction and the addict, then find an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting near you. If you can't find a meeting on your own, please contact me and together we will find you one so that you never have to feel powerless again.

Until next time, share a smile, find a meeting and most of all remember......it works if you work it. 

Expectations Are Not Our Friend

It is interesting that when I finally gave in an joined Al-Anon, I latched on to several things right off the bat. The first thing was "detaching with love," which I don't think I had ever heard of before Al-Anon. That was just crazy talk. Parents didn't detach, they held on for dear life and enabled.....right? I had no idea what this detaching with love was or how to do it, but once it was explained to me, it made perfect sense. 

The second thing I grabbed a hold of like a life line, was the concept of "boundaries" as up until that moment, I had absolutely zero boundaries and therefore, my addict was walking all over me and using me like a cheap rug. The saying, "We get what we allow," could not be more true.

Finally and maybe the most important thing that really struck a nerve with me and made me re-evaluate everything I had ever thought about and done was the concept of "expectations," and that is what I am going to talk about today. 

At each meeting, there is usually a topic presented to be discussed. I think it was maybe my second meeting when I was still very new and trying to take in all that was being talked about, that the topic of "expectations," came up. On the surface and without context, it made little sense to me how this would fit in with myself, my addict and me or this Al-Anon group helping me to fix things. Yes, I was still of the mindset that I had some sort of power to control or fix my addict and his addiction. It took me a couple of more meetings to realize that the only fixing I would be doing was myself. 

Expectations though, are common. We all have them. We expect our spouse to walk through the door at 5:30 p.m. for dinner. We expect our kids to go to school and work hard. We expect the neighbor to keep their dog and his business on their property. What happens though, when our expectations aren't met? When our spouse doesn't walk in the door at 5:30 and hasn't called, when our kid doesn't work so hard at school and brings home a failing grade or when the neighbors dog does in fact use our yard as his own private toilet? Do you feel angry, upset, disappointed, scared, and a host of other emotions that have both a negative effect on you and a negative effect on the person whom you put your expectations on in the first place?   

Expectations are pesky little creatures and they can work their way into situations and cause a whole lot more harm than good. How? Because expectations are our pre-conceived notions about how something should be, how someone else should act, and how we want something to turn out. Very seldom do those in our lives, addict or otherwise, consistently live up to our expectations. Furthermore, our expectations are usually not based in reality. They are based in a fantasy of how we "think" things should be and often, others are not able, nor do they want to live up to our fantastical idea of how we have decided it should all turn out. 

The worst thing about expectations though, are that they almost always leave us disappointed. When I would have the expectation that my addict should/could/would want to get clean and not live on the street, and then he would turn around and make no effort to get clean or leave the streets, I would be disappointed to the point of devastation. It made no sense to me. This usually led me to letting him know just how disappointed I really was, throwing verbal guilt darts at him, which did in fact make him feel guilty and worthless because in the moment, he couldn't be or do what I wanted him to. My expectations and the resulting disappointment helped nothing. It took me a while to realize that what made sense to me, didn't make the same sense to someone who was an active drug user and whose brain had been affected by said drugs. He no longer thought as a non-drug user. He thought as an addict and that can be some really non-sensical thinking.  

I believed or expected that wanting to get clean was a no brainer. It only made sense to me, that being clean would always trump living and using on the streets. The reality though, was that my addict was just that.....an addict and because of that, he thought, felt, acted and reacted like an addict. Addicts want one thing and one thing only.....drugs. They want them when and how they want them and the streets provide them with that. They can't conceive of a world where they can't do their drug of choice and any suggestion that they might go to detox and get clean is shear madness to their drug addicted brain. In other words, he had no ability or desire to live up to my expectations and in turn, my expectations were ridiculous given what we were dealing with. 

Once the realization that expectations are a deterrent to both my program and his chance at sobriety finally set in, I began to understand that my expectations of others and not just my addict were often unobtainable and regardless of who they were aimed at, the end result was likely going to be guilt on their part and disappointment on mine. It was a viscous cycle that helped nothing and didn't move the relationship or the process along at all. Then I started thinking about how much I not only expected out of others, but also myself, and even inanimate situations. I was nothing but one big ball of unattainable and unattained expectations which made me miserable with everyone and everything all the time. 

Then there came a day, when I put all my expectations away. I was going to meet my addict for lunch and always before I would have some form of expectation which usually didn't come to pass within the first few minutes, leaving me unhappy and him uncomfortable and then what time we did have together, was just wasted. This day though, I made up my mind that I didn't care how he looked, what he said, or even if he cut our time short. All I was interested in was spending some time with him whether that be five minutes or an hour. 

When I picked him up, I smiled and told him he looked nice and that I loved him. I asked him no questions but told him that I was glad to see him. For awhile he was quiet as I am sure he was wondering who is this crazy woman and what has she done with my mother? 

After a bit though, he seemed to relax and he volunteered some information about what he had been doing and where he had been staying. I made no comments and I didn't allow my face to reveal anything but a smile. We ended up spending about 90 minutes together and not once did we fight, nor did I feel disappointment and thus, he had no reason to feel guilt. Before he got out, he thanked me and told me he loved me. Hmmmm......so they were right at Al-Anon. The program does work if you work it! 

From that day forward, I learned that as bad as his addiction affected us, my expectations were just as lethal and were certainly not the ticket to making either one of us better. It was a lesson I still pull from in so many different situations today. I realized that my expectations had always outweighed the reality of what was achievable in my families lives. And not even so much achievable, but I had expectations of what I wanted for and from my kids, that would never be met because what I expected from their lives, was not in fact what they even wanted. Yeah......deep...deep....lessons. 

Now a days, when I hear someone say how disappointed they are with their own addict or even their spouse or kids, I gently bring up expectations and my own experiences, and nine times out of ten, I will see a lightbulb come on above their head. You just know they are thinking about their own expectations and how often that they too have been left frustrated and disappointed. It's not rocket science and when you get down to it, it just makes perfect sense. To have expectations sets us up for nothing more than feeling frustration and disappointment. If we can't control anyone but ourselves, then what makes us think that it is okay to have expectations for anyone but ourselves? 

Al-Anon has taught me so much about my own behaviors and how toxic they could be. More than that though, Al-Anon has given me tools to avoid and change those behaviors and to replace them with positive, constructive and productive ones. They have helped me to realize just how much I had to change me...and funny thing, when I changed me, others seemed to see the change and then they made changes too....this included my addict. 

Addiction is a destructive thing and it takes down everything in it's path. It destroys relationships and families and takes us from being semi-normal, thoughtful people, to at times, crazed lunatics with unrealistic thoughts and expectations. Al-Anon though, can help us to remove the craziness and the expectations and show us that regardless of whether our addict gets clean or not, we still have our own lives to live and that can be done in a healthy way that might even bring us a little happiness along the line. 

If you have an addict in your life and you feel powerless and need help to find your way back to sanity, find your nearest Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meeting and go. What do you have to lose.....other than expectations, frustrations, disappointments and the shear lunacy of it all? If you can't find a meeting, then feel free to contact me either through my email lelam3@sbcglobal.net or in the comments down below. 

Until next time, stay healthy, stay happy, expect nothing and most of all remember,.....the program works if you work it!

The First Time and Step #1

 There is a lot that goes into taking that first step inside an Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meeting and for ease of understanding and me writing this, I will refer to Al-Anon/Nar-Anon going forward as Al-Anon only. I went to Al-Anon many years ago at the request of my husband. When we met, he was three years clean and sober and he felt me going to Al-Anon would help me to understand addiction a bit better. The problem was that I had never known him as an active addict, nor had I knowingly known any addict, so I had no understanding of Al-Anon or what those attending the meeting were going through. I went to a few meetings, but it sadly meant little to me at the time. 

Jump ahead 20+ years, and Al-Anon was reintroduced into my consciousness. I fought it like the plague. Every time it was mentioned by friends, healthcare workers or counselors, I felt my body physically recoil and a wall went up immediately. I think my biggest issue with Al-Anon was that to agree to go, I had to agree there was a problem, and I was still so deeply in denial, that I just wouldn't. 

It wasn't until my RAS was so out of control and I was so at my wits end and out of solutions, that I was willing to try anything, that I was willing to revisit the idea of Al-Anon. I wasn't eating, sleeping or even functioning as a human being anymore. My own actions had gotten manipulative and crazy and I could no longer deny that addiction was damaging my family and slowly destroying my body, mind and soul. Up until this point, everyone in the free world could see what was going on but me. Finally the day came, after an intense situation at the counselors office where my RAS had a verbal and almost physical meltdown and police were called, that I realized that I was in way over my head. I know I must have looked so out of my element,  and the counselor took me aside and said, "It's time. You need Al-Anon." The fight was gone in me. I was exhausted and I had no answers, so maybe Al-Anon could tell me how to fix this. All of my own efforts to this point had been in vain, so maybe they could help. 

As I have stated before, stepping into that meeting that first time was nothing that I expected and everything that I needed. I walked in with the intention of letting the world know how my RAS had wronged me and asking how I could fix him. I walked out knowing that no one had wronged me, and that the only one I could fix was me. Who knew? I didn't even know I needed fixed! Looking back though, I soooooo needed fixed!!!

In that first meeting, in that first hour, maybe the best hour of my life, I learned that I was not alone, I was no crazier than anyone else with an active addict in their life and that while I had no control over my addict, his actions or choices, I had complete control over myself, my actions and my choices. Nothing was going to change or get better in my life until I took control of me, and surrendered everything else to my Higher Power. 

Now I know that one excuse a lot of people give about not wanting to join Al-Anon, is because of "the Higher Power," talk. Many don't believe in God or at the very least are on the fence about God, so bringing Him in to all of this is difficult for them. Since God has always been a part of my life, this was not an issue for me, but I did in fact sit around a table with a lot of people, who maybe didn't all believe in God, but they had grasped the idea of a power greater than themselves. They were fully aware that in this battle of  facing the addiction of someone they loved, this was way out of their pay grade. They had done everything "they "could, but nothing worked. So yes, they were willing to turn this all over to the Higher Power that made sense to them. Whether it was person or spirit, they knew that there was something greater than they were and they were willing to surrender all of it to Him, because they were at their own rock bottom. 

There are no hard and fast rules in Al-Anon except for anonymity, no cross talk, and no political or business affiliations. Meetings and information are based on a "take what you like and leave the rest," policy. In other words, there are Steps, Traditions, Concepts, sponsors, shares and literature and all can be used and worked as part of your individual program, or you can just sit there, listen and share if you like. However, the more you work the program and use all of the above, the quicker things start to change.....for the better. 

The first thing I heard at my first meeting, aside from the fact that I was no martyr and the only one I could fix was me, was the First Step. Knowing I was new, I was loaded up with books and literature, which I was grateful for and which I use to this day, but the kindest thing was that someone took me aside and explained the Steps to me and introduced Step #1 to me. 

In the building of anything, you need a really good foundation. This is the same with building a new life through the Al-Anon Steps. Each Step builds upon itself, and yet, you don't have to work the Steps in order. If like me though, you need order, and you can't go all willy nilly and start with Step #5, then taking them in order is just fine, as each Step prepares you for the next. There is also no set time to work on a Step, but I usually just know when I think I am ready to move on. There have been times though, that I am wrong and I have gone clear back to Step #1, just to get my baring's again. 

So what is this important foundation Step? Just what is Step #1? 

Step #1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/addiction-that our lives had become unmanageable.  

This Step spoke to me like no other. I had tried everything to fix my addict and our situation and nothing worked. My life was unmanageable to the point that in some ways, I was just as sick as my addict was. 

I don't think anyone can come to Al-Anon and not be brought to their knees with the power of those words. This hits home with anyone who has suffered through watching someone they love become an addict and lose huge pieces of who they were. Anyone who has looked at their addict and realized that they no longer even recognize the person that they once knew. And anyone who has lied, manipulated and torn their world upside down and inside out just to protect their addict, all the while, denying that their addict has a problem that they/you can't fix. 

That day at the counselors office, when I was in shock over his behaviors, when I had no answers and when the police had to intervene, that counselor knew that I was powerless over this addiction and over my addict. My life was so unmanageable as it played out for the world to see and she knew I needed Al-Anon. 

In the almost 3 years since I joined Al-Anon, I have come back to Step #1 many times and it hasn't all been about my RAS's addiction. The funny thing about the Steps is that they come in handy in many situations in life. I have learned that I have zero power over most things in life and that is when I hand it to my Higher Power. I can only control myself, my actions and my reactions and even with them, I still need help from time to time from my Higher Power. 

In a way, it is rather freeing to know that I don't have to take the weight of the world on my shoulders. I can't fix people or change them and I am not responsible for the choices they make (good or bad) nor the actions they put forth...again, good or bad. Also, knowing that I have my Higher Power to turn to when things get overwhelming, out of control and unmanageable gives me peace of body, mind and soul. 

Step #1 is my go to step when things bother me, when I start thinking that I am my own Higher Power and have more control than I do, or when I start to feel out of control. It pulls me back and gives me clarity of who I am and just what I can control and am responsible for. I am grateful for it every single day. 

So this is a little peak into the Steps of Al-Anon. They actually follow pretty closely with the AA/NA steps. They are a light in the darkness of addiction and a bit of sanity in this insane world. 

If you have an addict in your life and you are feeling out of your element, powerless or out of control, maybe Al-Anon can help you too. If you need more information about Al-Anon/Nar-Anon or need help finding a meeting near you, please get in touch with me lelam3@sbcglobal.net or leave a message in the comments below. 

Until next time. Find a meeting. Work your program. It works if you work it!

Two Years and Two Percent

It appears at this stage of my life, I am always a day late and a dollar short. I spend most days behind, the moment I get out of bed, so it should be no shock that I did not do a timely post and mention of my RAS's two year sobriety day, which occurred on April 13, 2021, but better late than never....here it is. 

As a parent, this day was both a miraculous wonder, and reminder that not every addict makes it this far and even when they do, it doesn't mean addiction can never happen again. No, this is not me being Debbie Downer. This in fact is me being Realistic Ruth. That being said, I am so proud of him and all that he has accomplished. In fact, in the process of his recovery, in this last year, he also gave up smoking and vaping. These are all such difficult things to do, and yet he has found the inner strength to do it. His strength truly amazes me. 

God can be an interesting fellow, as at times He gently keeps me rooted in reality in mysterious ways,  whether I want to be or not. As I was going through my already mixed up emotions about this sobriety date and fluctuating between such relief that I no longer am the mom that has to wonder if my son is cold, safe, sick, dying or dead because of his addiction, and the reality that addiction is always just one bad moment, choice, or thought away from being "active" again, a Facebook picture stopped me in my tracks. 

I am part of several Al-Anon/Nar-Anon groups on Facebook, as well as some other groups dealing with addiction. One in particular is "The Addicts Diary." It gives a view into the lives of recovering addicts and their journeys. For the parents, spouses, children and friends of those with addiction, this page/group is immensely helpful and shows that there is always hope, even in the darkest moments of addiction. It was on this page that I saw a picture of a tattoo. It was on someone's hand, and it simply said, "2%". The captioning explained that only 2% of all methamphetamine addicts stay clean for life. Being that my RAS is only two years in and basically a newborn in terms of clean years, and knowing that he has many, many years left of "life" with ups and downs, pain, sorrow and joys, this caught me up quickly. Will he be able to fight through the downs, pain and sorrow, and stay clean, so that he can be around for the ups and joys? Then I remembered, my son is strong, he quit meth, weed, all drugs, alcohol and nicotine. These are some of life's toughest substances. He is strong, he has a program, and he has his Higher Power, so my money is on my son. So just maybe, he will be that 2%. My heart and soul relaxed a bit. 

Now the interesting part where God relaxed my heart even further. My RAS, who like his mother, likes tattoos, was discussing tattoos with me a couple of day's ago. I had just gotten another tattoo, so the subject was fresh on our minds when he said, "I have found my next tattoo." Not knowing what band name or video game symbol he was going to blurt out next, he simply said, "I am getting '2%". I almost choked. I could feel tears well up and he asked me if I knew what it meant. I told him that I did. While his taste in tattoo's are certainly not mine, his tattoos each have meaning to him, from childhood memories to things that touch his soul, so I have no doubt, the 2% tattoo will be a lasting reminder to him that being in that 2% is literally the difference between life and death. 

Yes, his sobriety at times is a double edged sword for me and it can invoke worry. That is when I know that I need to direct my attention back to myself and let him live his life. Most days though, I am able to remember that no matter how trying the day, I can stop and look at all that I have to be grateful for. In whatever moment I am in, I am blessed. In this moment, I am good. I have no control over tomorrow, but right now, life is just pretty okay. I guess that is why we focus on one day at a time. 

On another note, after my last blog here, I had several people reach out to me who have family members that are in active addiction and they asked that I write more on the subject of being the parent of an addict. Most had no idea that I even had a blog about this or a RAS. 

It is my belief that as a member of Al-Anon/Nar-Anon, that service to others is my duty and perhaps this blog can be of some service. So I have decided in honor of my RAS's two year anniversary of sobriety and in an effort to give back and be of service, that I am going to try and give this blog a little more attention and to tell more of my story as an addicts mother. This in no way though, is a replacement for finding yourself an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon group, sponsor and working a program. My blog is not to tell you what to do in your life, it simply will be a narration of what I have done, pre Al-Anon and since Al-Anon in my life. 

I want you to know too, that I am always here to answer any questions about Al-Anon that I can or simply just to talk, because nothing is more lonely or more scary than loving someone with an addiction and not knowing where to turn as well as feeling like you are the only one going through it. Trust me, you are not. You can always get in touch with me in the comments below or you can email me at lelam3@sbcglobal.net. I check my emails daily. 

So for today, in this moment, all is good, I am blessed, and yes.....two years is definitely something to celebrate. 

Until next time, find that program and work that program. It works if you work it. 

Stepping Back and Looking Forward With My Al-Anon/Nar-Anon Journey

 It has been awhile. I hope this finds you all healthy and forward looking into the spring. For those of you reading who may have forgotten, from 2014 through the first part of April 2019, I went through every parents nightmare. My son is an addict and through those years, he was in active addiction and my world was a series of upheavals, lies and dramas. It was one of the darkest periods in my life and quite honestly, I didn't know if I would survive. 

Jump ahead to April 1, 2021. My son or for ease of acknowledgement and his privacy, my RAS (my recovering addict son) will in just a few days, have been clean for two years. It has gone by so quickly, but not without bumps and bruises and a great deal of learning in the process. So today, I am stepping back and looking forward at my journey thus far. 

If you also remember, in 2018, I found Al-Anon/Nar-Anon. Truthfully, I knew of Al-Anon, but I had fought it for years. It wasn't until I hit my own rock bottom as a parent of an addict that I finally relented and went to my first meeting and had I not gone, I don't know whether I would be here writing this today. 

So it has been a long time since I have written here and perhaps you maybe thinking that it is because he is clean and all is well in our world. No more addiction. No more Al-Anon. The world is freaking fantastic. Wrong. I have just compartmentalized a lot and the world kept on turning and I put this blog to the back burner. I am here though today to catch you up. 

Some facts: When there is an addict or alcoholic in your life, you can quickly become as sick as they are. No, you don't have to drink or use to be sick. There are just simply actions and behaviors as well as a mental status that comes into play that make family and friends of addicts (again, I am going to frequently mention "addicts" because that is what my son is, but this also pertains to alcoholics too, even if I don't mention them as much) extremely sick. Because the addict is such a good manipulator, gaslighter and in many cases abuser, those that love them get caught in the trap of trying to help them, which almost always becomes enabling, and allows the addict to use the love and care those close to them have for them, against them. It becomes a viscous cycle of lies, abuse and worry. And when I say "lies", I don't just mean by the addict. The enabler becomes as good a liar as the addict because they have to fix and cover up for the addict and they have to lie to those on the outside looking in who see what is going on. It is a nightmare you feel you won't wake up from and through it all, as much as you love the addict, you start resenting them and literally hating yourself for what you are allowing. This all grows inside to the point of mental and physical breakdown. 

As I have said before, when I went to my first Al-Anon meeting, I went loaded for bear and ready to let the world know that I was a martyr who had put up with all of my addicts abuses and behaviors and I was there to unload and fix him. One hour later, I walked out with a really clear understanding that I was not martyr,  Al-Anon was not going to fix him, and that I was the one who needed fixed. He was an adult completely responsible for his own actions and behaviors and he was even allowed them, whether they were destructive or not. The bottom line is I had no control over him or his addiction, I only had control over me and my actions and reactions. If I needed proof of this, all I had to remember is, that if any parent or loved one of an addict had control over the addict or addiction, then there would be no addicts or addiction. It hit home hard. 

I was totally not prepared to hear that I was at Al-Anon to fix me, not him. Heck, I didn't even know I needed fixed, but that through fixing me, I might just survive this whole ordeal and maybe even make it better for everyone involved....including my addict son. If you would like to read more about my Al-Anon journey in the early days, please read my previous blog entries.

Funny thing, not unlike the addict who just because they are in recovery, doesn't mean they no longer need AA or NA (Alcoholic Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous), the same goes for us Al-Anon and Nar-Anon people. I am just as much in recovery as my RAS is, I am just recovering from the crazy behaviors and attitudes that addiction brought to my life and truthfully.....my own bad choices. Unfortunately, the attack of COVID made addiction much dicier and much more difficult for those using, those recovering, and family members.

In Al-Anon and AA, much of what saves addicts and family members is the face to face meetings and the knowledge that we can hit a meeting anytime one is available. This last year though, meetings became non-existent with the lockdowns, therefore, there was a period of time that we were left to our own devices. This was truly bad news for the active addicts and because of the isolation and mental stress of COVID, the active addict numbers grew exponentially. Sadly, so did the number of deaths due to drugs and overdoses. It has been a grim time for those of us caught in this life. 

Thankfully, zoom AA and Al-Anon meetings have begun popping up all over the place, but most will tell you, they are simply not the same as going to a room filled with those who are kindred spirits in the journey you are on, and being able to for one hour, have that feeling of complete understanding and acceptance. Like everyone else, the last year has been a tough time for me, and I have been grateful for all of my Al-Anon reading and for the Al-Anon/Nar-Anon Facebook pages out there. 

So, if you are scratching your head and wondering why if my son is recovering, that I still need to be so closely involved in Al-Anon, it is simple. Sometimes the scariest part of addiction is when your loved one is in recovery. 

When my son was using, he had become someone I didn't recognize. Gone was my beautiful son with a beautiful heart and soul. He had been replaced by a face and an attitude, I didn't recognize. He was doing and saying things that I never dreamed him capable of and I genuinely feared that I would never even get a glimpse of my "real" son again. That being said though, I had grown to understand as much as possible, the person he had become and I had no expectations of him or his sobriety. (Expectations are killer and only set us and our addicts up for failure).  Once he was clean though, and the drugs began to leave his body and brain, gradually, my beautiful son came back. If possible, he was stronger and kinder than he had been before his addiction, because his life of addiction had taught him a lot of hard earned lessons. He laughed again, talked again and was becoming a really great person. So what's the problem? Expectations and fears. I fought them but I couldn't help but have expectations try to rear their ugly heads every now and then,  and then there was the fear that once I had him back, that I might lose him again, and that his need for drugs might outweigh his need for sobriety. It was literally terrifying. He had already had so many relapses over the years, and I prayed daily that this would not be another one. The difference this time though, was that he was working a program and through that, he was gaining tools and relationships that if used, could get him through the rough times.....and yes, there are many rough times for the addict, especially in the beginning. 

For me though, I had/sometimes still have, my own little PTSD, where I have nightmares that he is using again. There are places in the city where I almost get physically sick driving through, as they are places I would pick him up or take him to when he was using. I also see all of the relationships that he has worked so hard to repair and the people that love him so, and there are times that I start worrying about things that I shouldn't. This is when I need my meetings most and the reminder that I have no control over his choices (good or bad) and therefore, I have to focus on what I can control and work on, giving myself both physical and mental health with the tools and relationships that Al-Anon provides me. Al-Anon does that for me and for millions more like me, so not having the regular meetings and the long held comfortable relationships can be rather daunting at times. Thank God for all that Al-Anon gave me before the pandemic.

The sun is out today. The weather is warming into spring and God willing, we are about to flatten the COVID curve into nothingness. Perhaps now, I will be able to find my way back into the comfort of my regular meetings and my regular people. 

Addiction is a horrid nightmare for all involved. Going it alone can destroy a person, so if you have a friend or loved one who is an addict or alcoholic and you need help, please contact your nearest Al-Anon or Nar-Anon group. The meetings are anonymous and I promise you, go a few times and you will never regret it. 

July 2nd....the Beginning

There is a great deal going on in the world today and I have control over none of it. There is nothing I can do about COVID-19 and all that comes with it nor is there much I can do about the rioting and protesting around the country. I have though for awhile felt like I needed to do something and with much introspection and prayer, I have come to believe that I can best serve others right here by sharing my story as the mother of an addict and my journey into Al-Anon.

I chose today to jump back in and start writing here again, because July 2nd is an unforgettable date in my life for two reasons. The first is that on this day 19 years ago, I lost my husband. He was a duel addict (both drugs and alcohol) but when I met him he was three years into recovery. He was a good man, a good husband and a good father and his loss from a brain aneurysm was very devastating. The other reason this date is unforgettable for me is where this story really starts for me.

On July 2, 2018, my then 22 year old son came to me and literally fell apart in my garage telling me that he was a meth addict who was shooting up 8-10 times a day. He was high when he came to my house to tell me and he was so messed up that he was completely oblivious of the date.

The back story to all of this started about three years prior with him first smoking weed and then gradually working his way through the drug chain. I knew that he had used and his attitude and erratic behavior had caused me to eventually kick him out of the house. He had gone to stay with a friend who gave me almost daily reports of how good my son was doing. It wasn't until that fateful July 2nd day, that the truth came out and I found out that not only was my son shooting up, but this friend was supplying him and had taught him how to shoot up. It is a day engraved in my brain and as hard as it was, it was also the beginning of a new chapter in life for me.

Now in the past I have told the entire story from my point of view, but my sons story from his vantage point is his to tell, and perhaps someday he will share it here. For now though, I will tell you a bit about mine and what I hope to achieve going forward with this blog and my story.

The two weeks following his meth "confession" to me, were a living nightmare for me. As a mom, my whole world was blown to pieces and my delusion of him getting along well and straightening his life out had been blown completely out of the water. I immediately went into "fix it" mode and started trying to find him a place to get clean. I drove him to detox thinking that he would go in, detox and get a fresh start, after all, he came to me for help....right? WRONG! He came to me because he was starting to get sick and tired of the drug world, but he was nowhere ready to take the steps or do the work that sobriety would require. He just wanted out of the "friends" house and thought maybe through his confession I would allow him back home and honestly that is exactly what I was going to do, but first....detox.

I dropped him off at detox about 7 p.m. and he called me to tell me he left about an hour later. He was not ready to get clean and living back at home was not a possibility. Just that afternoon after telling me what had happened, he had stuck his fist through one of my doors. I had to keep him at a distance. This began his life on the streets. For the first week or so, he claimed he wanted to go to a sober living facility and I nearly killed myself trying to find him a place. I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't eating. I was literally making myself sick trying to fix him and I was too blind to see that he wasn't ready to be fixed.

After about two weeks of this running crazy, it was a Sunday and I had gone to early Mass before I went to pick him up at a  Quik-Trip and once again try to find him a place at a sober living house. During Mass, I nearly blacked out. I was exhausted and stressed and my body was starting to tell me that enough was enough. I knelt there in church and begged God for an answer. After Mass I picked him up and after him finding fault with just about every place we looked at or I suggested, I finally looked at him and asked, "Do you even want to get clean?" His answer was immediate, "No." Without another word, I drove him back to the Quick Trip, had him get out of the car and I left him there. I drove away without even looking back. I then went home and slept for about 12 hours straight.

The next day, I called his counselor whom he was supposed to be meeting with and of course was not. I told her about the previous day and asked her going forward, what I needed to do. I meant what did I need to do for him. Her answer was what I should do for me. She told me to find an Al-Anon/Nar-Anon group and go to a meeting.

I had been to a couple of Al-Anon meetings years before when I had first met my husband. He had wanted me to go, so that I could understand addiction, but since he was in recovery and I wasn't seeing active alcoholism and addiction, the meetings didn't really resonate with me. But on that day when she told me to go to a meeting, I was so desperate....I was willing to do just about anything to fix "him." 

I can honestly say, the best thing I ever did for me, for my son and for the rest of my family was to walk into that first meeting. I found an Al-Anon meeting, as Nar-Anon meetings around here are few and far between. Al-Anon is for the family and friends of alcoholics and Nar-Anon is for the family and friends of addicts. Their doctrine is basically the same though and many family members with addicts in their family attend Al-Anon meetings.

My memory of Al-Anon had dimmed over the years, so when I went into that first meeting, I was prepared to lay out my tale of woe and be the martyr in the room while everyone told me how strong I was and how bad my addict was. It didn't quite happen like that. This was not about placing blame or telling tales on the addict. In fact, this meeting had almost nothing to do with my addict or his addiction and everything to do with me. That is what Al-Anon is. It is a place for the family and friends of alcoholic and addicts to take a long hard look at themselves and to fix themselves. You learn early on that you have zero control over just about everything in this world (especially the addict), but you do have control over yourself. You can control how you act and react and control how you will allow others to treat you, by putting in place some pretty strong boundaries.

At my first meeting, I was welcomed and given an idea of what the program was all about. It is here that they tell you that before you give up on Al-Anon, to go to at least six meetings. That is the only piece of advice they give. Everything else is perspective and shared experience. It was the first time in a long time that I didn't feel crazy or insane (being the mom of an addict will destroy your sanity) and it was the first time that I felt like I was among kindred spirits. Those in that meeting had been there and done that, and there was nothing that I could tell them that was going to cause them to bat an eye, let alone be shocked. That meeting was the most peace I had experienced in a very long time. There was no question that I was going back.

That was almost two years ago. I did continue going back and I began to change me. By changing me, I also changed the way I handled my son in the throws of addiction. I learned to love him and still detach from his addiction and all that went with it. I learned not to panic and to let him make his own decisions rather jumping in and trying to fix him.

Eventually my son grew very tired of walking that extremely fragile line between addiction and death. The life he was living was killing him and finally after so many close calls, he decided to get clean on his own. He made the choice to go to a detox center and then he found his own way to an Oxford House (sober living). He found AA, counseling and out patient rehab. He worked his program, got a job and started climbing his way out of addiction. Today he is almost 16 months clean, he works two jobs and is going to school. He continues to work his program daily and never takes for granted a minute of his sobriety.

I too continue to work my program and attend my meetings, for Al-Anon has taught me that in many ways, I was just as sick as he was. Addiction can turn a family inside out and make every member every bit as sick as the addict. I had to learn to focus on me and let him make his own choices and live with the consequences of those choices....good or bad. Some days are better than others because I am always a work in progress.

Going forward, I hope that by sharing my experiences and the Al-Anon program here, that I can possibly touch others who are as sick and tired of being sick and tired and crazy as I was. I hope my story hits a chord with someone who needs to hear it and that they too can find a way to a life of peace in the midst of a world of chaos. It truly is possible.

So here it begins. Please, if you are struggling as a parent, family member or friend of an addict and you need help,  know that there is help out there. Almost every town has Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meetings and there are also online meetings and social media groups designed to help families of addicts.

As awful as addiction is, there is always hope and maybe through this blog, I can offer a little of that to someone who really needs it.