There is a great deal going on in the world today and I have control over none of it. There is nothing I can do about COVID-19 and all that comes with it nor is there much I can do about the rioting and protesting around the country. I have though for awhile felt like I needed to do something and with much introspection and prayer, I have come to believe that I can best serve others right here by sharing my story as the mother of an addict and my journey into Al-Anon.
I chose today to jump back in and start writing here again, because July 2nd is an unforgettable date in my life for two reasons. The first is that on this day 19 years ago, I lost my husband. He was a duel addict (both drugs and alcohol) but when I met him he was three years into recovery. He was a good man, a good husband and a good father and his loss from a brain aneurysm was very devastating. The other reason this date is unforgettable for me is where this story really starts for me.
On July 2, 2018, my then 22 year old son came to me and literally fell apart in my garage telling me that he was a meth addict who was shooting up 8-10 times a day. He was high when he came to my house to tell me and he was so messed up that he was completely oblivious of the date.
The back story to all of this started about three years prior with him first smoking weed and then gradually working his way through the drug chain. I knew that he had used and his attitude and erratic behavior had caused me to eventually kick him out of the house. He had gone to stay with a friend who gave me almost daily reports of how good my son was doing. It wasn't until that fateful July 2nd day, that the truth came out and I found out that not only was my son shooting up, but this friend was supplying him and had taught him how to shoot up. It is a day engraved in my brain and as hard as it was, it was also the beginning of a new chapter in life for me.
Now in the past I have told the entire story from my point of view, but my sons story from his vantage point is his to tell, and perhaps someday he will share it here. For now though, I will tell you a bit about mine and what I hope to achieve going forward with this blog and my story.
The two weeks following his meth "confession" to me, were a living nightmare for me. As a mom, my whole world was blown to pieces and my delusion of him getting along well and straightening his life out had been blown completely out of the water. I immediately went into "fix it" mode and started trying to find him a place to get clean. I drove him to detox thinking that he would go in, detox and get a fresh start, after all, he came to me for help....right? WRONG! He came to me because he was starting to get sick and tired of the drug world, but he was nowhere ready to take the steps or do the work that sobriety would require. He just wanted out of the "friends" house and thought maybe through his confession I would allow him back home and honestly that is exactly what I was going to do, but first....detox.
I dropped him off at detox about 7 p.m. and he called me to tell me he left about an hour later. He was not ready to get clean and living back at home was not a possibility. Just that afternoon after telling me what had happened, he had stuck his fist through one of my doors. I had to keep him at a distance. This began his life on the streets. For the first week or so, he claimed he wanted to go to a sober living facility and I nearly killed myself trying to find him a place. I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't eating. I was literally making myself sick trying to fix him and I was too blind to see that he wasn't ready to be fixed.
After about two weeks of this running crazy, it was a Sunday and I had gone to early Mass before I went to pick him up at a Quik-Trip and once again try to find him a place at a sober living house. During Mass, I nearly blacked out. I was exhausted and stressed and my body was starting to tell me that enough was enough. I knelt there in church and begged God for an answer. After Mass I picked him up and after him finding fault with just about every place we looked at or I suggested, I finally looked at him and asked, "Do you even want to get clean?" His answer was immediate, "No." Without another word, I drove him back to the Quick Trip, had him get out of the car and I left him there. I drove away without even looking back. I then went home and slept for about 12 hours straight.
The next day, I called his counselor whom he was supposed to be meeting with and of course was not. I told her about the previous day and asked her going forward, what I needed to do. I meant what did I need to do for him. Her answer was what I should do for me. She told me to find an Al-Anon/Nar-Anon group and go to a meeting.
I had been to a couple of Al-Anon meetings years before when I had first met my husband. He had wanted me to go, so that I could understand addiction, but since he was in recovery and I wasn't seeing active alcoholism and addiction, the meetings didn't really resonate with me. But on that day when she told me to go to a meeting, I was so desperate....I was willing to do just about anything to fix "him."
I can honestly say, the best thing I ever did for me, for my son and for the rest of my family was to walk into that first meeting. I found an Al-Anon meeting, as Nar-Anon meetings around here are few and far between. Al-Anon is for the family and friends of alcoholics and Nar-Anon is for the family and friends of addicts. Their doctrine is basically the same though and many family members with addicts in their family attend Al-Anon meetings.
My memory of Al-Anon had dimmed over the years, so when I went into that first meeting, I was prepared to lay out my tale of woe and be the martyr in the room while everyone told me how strong I was and how bad my addict was. It didn't quite happen like that. This was not about placing blame or telling tales on the addict. In fact, this meeting had almost nothing to do with my addict or his addiction and everything to do with me. That is what Al-Anon is. It is a place for the family and friends of alcoholic and addicts to take a long hard look at themselves and to fix themselves. You learn early on that you have zero control over just about everything in this world (especially the addict), but you do have control over yourself. You can control how you act and react and control how you will allow others to treat you, by putting in place some pretty strong boundaries.
At my first meeting, I was welcomed and given an idea of what the program was all about. It is here that they tell you that before you give up on Al-Anon, to go to at least six meetings. That is the only piece of advice they give. Everything else is perspective and shared experience. It was the first time in a long time that I didn't feel crazy or insane (being the mom of an addict will destroy your sanity) and it was the first time that I felt like I was among kindred spirits. Those in that meeting had been there and done that, and there was nothing that I could tell them that was going to cause them to bat an eye, let alone be shocked. That meeting was the most peace I had experienced in a very long time. There was no question that I was going back.
That was almost two years ago. I did continue going back and I began to change me. By changing me, I also changed the way I handled my son in the throws of addiction. I learned to love him and still detach from his addiction and all that went with it. I learned not to panic and to let him make his own decisions rather jumping in and trying to fix him.
Eventually my son grew very tired of walking that extremely fragile line between addiction and death. The life he was living was killing him and finally after so many close calls, he decided to get clean on his own. He made the choice to go to a detox center and then he found his own way to an Oxford House (sober living). He found AA, counseling and out patient rehab. He worked his program, got a job and started climbing his way out of addiction. Today he is almost 16 months clean, he works two jobs and is going to school. He continues to work his program daily and never takes for granted a minute of his sobriety.
I too continue to work my program and attend my meetings, for Al-Anon has taught me that in many ways, I was just as sick as he was. Addiction can turn a family inside out and make every member every bit as sick as the addict. I had to learn to focus on me and let him make his own choices and live with the consequences of those choices....good or bad. Some days are better than others because I am always a work in progress.
Going forward, I hope that by sharing my experiences and the Al-Anon program here, that I can possibly touch others who are as sick and tired of being sick and tired and crazy as I was. I hope my story hits a chord with someone who needs to hear it and that they too can find a way to a life of peace in the midst of a world of chaos. It truly is possible.
So here it begins. Please, if you are struggling as a parent, family member or friend of an addict and you need help, know that there is help out there. Almost every town has Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meetings and there are also online meetings and social media groups designed to help families of addicts.
As awful as addiction is, there is always hope and maybe through this blog, I can offer a little of that to someone who really needs it.
I chose today to jump back in and start writing here again, because July 2nd is an unforgettable date in my life for two reasons. The first is that on this day 19 years ago, I lost my husband. He was a duel addict (both drugs and alcohol) but when I met him he was three years into recovery. He was a good man, a good husband and a good father and his loss from a brain aneurysm was very devastating. The other reason this date is unforgettable for me is where this story really starts for me.
On July 2, 2018, my then 22 year old son came to me and literally fell apart in my garage telling me that he was a meth addict who was shooting up 8-10 times a day. He was high when he came to my house to tell me and he was so messed up that he was completely oblivious of the date.
The back story to all of this started about three years prior with him first smoking weed and then gradually working his way through the drug chain. I knew that he had used and his attitude and erratic behavior had caused me to eventually kick him out of the house. He had gone to stay with a friend who gave me almost daily reports of how good my son was doing. It wasn't until that fateful July 2nd day, that the truth came out and I found out that not only was my son shooting up, but this friend was supplying him and had taught him how to shoot up. It is a day engraved in my brain and as hard as it was, it was also the beginning of a new chapter in life for me.
Now in the past I have told the entire story from my point of view, but my sons story from his vantage point is his to tell, and perhaps someday he will share it here. For now though, I will tell you a bit about mine and what I hope to achieve going forward with this blog and my story.
The two weeks following his meth "confession" to me, were a living nightmare for me. As a mom, my whole world was blown to pieces and my delusion of him getting along well and straightening his life out had been blown completely out of the water. I immediately went into "fix it" mode and started trying to find him a place to get clean. I drove him to detox thinking that he would go in, detox and get a fresh start, after all, he came to me for help....right? WRONG! He came to me because he was starting to get sick and tired of the drug world, but he was nowhere ready to take the steps or do the work that sobriety would require. He just wanted out of the "friends" house and thought maybe through his confession I would allow him back home and honestly that is exactly what I was going to do, but first....detox.
I dropped him off at detox about 7 p.m. and he called me to tell me he left about an hour later. He was not ready to get clean and living back at home was not a possibility. Just that afternoon after telling me what had happened, he had stuck his fist through one of my doors. I had to keep him at a distance. This began his life on the streets. For the first week or so, he claimed he wanted to go to a sober living facility and I nearly killed myself trying to find him a place. I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't eating. I was literally making myself sick trying to fix him and I was too blind to see that he wasn't ready to be fixed.
After about two weeks of this running crazy, it was a Sunday and I had gone to early Mass before I went to pick him up at a Quik-Trip and once again try to find him a place at a sober living house. During Mass, I nearly blacked out. I was exhausted and stressed and my body was starting to tell me that enough was enough. I knelt there in church and begged God for an answer. After Mass I picked him up and after him finding fault with just about every place we looked at or I suggested, I finally looked at him and asked, "Do you even want to get clean?" His answer was immediate, "No." Without another word, I drove him back to the Quick Trip, had him get out of the car and I left him there. I drove away without even looking back. I then went home and slept for about 12 hours straight.
The next day, I called his counselor whom he was supposed to be meeting with and of course was not. I told her about the previous day and asked her going forward, what I needed to do. I meant what did I need to do for him. Her answer was what I should do for me. She told me to find an Al-Anon/Nar-Anon group and go to a meeting.
I had been to a couple of Al-Anon meetings years before when I had first met my husband. He had wanted me to go, so that I could understand addiction, but since he was in recovery and I wasn't seeing active alcoholism and addiction, the meetings didn't really resonate with me. But on that day when she told me to go to a meeting, I was so desperate....I was willing to do just about anything to fix "him."
I can honestly say, the best thing I ever did for me, for my son and for the rest of my family was to walk into that first meeting. I found an Al-Anon meeting, as Nar-Anon meetings around here are few and far between. Al-Anon is for the family and friends of alcoholics and Nar-Anon is for the family and friends of addicts. Their doctrine is basically the same though and many family members with addicts in their family attend Al-Anon meetings.
My memory of Al-Anon had dimmed over the years, so when I went into that first meeting, I was prepared to lay out my tale of woe and be the martyr in the room while everyone told me how strong I was and how bad my addict was. It didn't quite happen like that. This was not about placing blame or telling tales on the addict. In fact, this meeting had almost nothing to do with my addict or his addiction and everything to do with me. That is what Al-Anon is. It is a place for the family and friends of alcoholic and addicts to take a long hard look at themselves and to fix themselves. You learn early on that you have zero control over just about everything in this world (especially the addict), but you do have control over yourself. You can control how you act and react and control how you will allow others to treat you, by putting in place some pretty strong boundaries.
At my first meeting, I was welcomed and given an idea of what the program was all about. It is here that they tell you that before you give up on Al-Anon, to go to at least six meetings. That is the only piece of advice they give. Everything else is perspective and shared experience. It was the first time in a long time that I didn't feel crazy or insane (being the mom of an addict will destroy your sanity) and it was the first time that I felt like I was among kindred spirits. Those in that meeting had been there and done that, and there was nothing that I could tell them that was going to cause them to bat an eye, let alone be shocked. That meeting was the most peace I had experienced in a very long time. There was no question that I was going back.
That was almost two years ago. I did continue going back and I began to change me. By changing me, I also changed the way I handled my son in the throws of addiction. I learned to love him and still detach from his addiction and all that went with it. I learned not to panic and to let him make his own decisions rather jumping in and trying to fix him.
Eventually my son grew very tired of walking that extremely fragile line between addiction and death. The life he was living was killing him and finally after so many close calls, he decided to get clean on his own. He made the choice to go to a detox center and then he found his own way to an Oxford House (sober living). He found AA, counseling and out patient rehab. He worked his program, got a job and started climbing his way out of addiction. Today he is almost 16 months clean, he works two jobs and is going to school. He continues to work his program daily and never takes for granted a minute of his sobriety.
I too continue to work my program and attend my meetings, for Al-Anon has taught me that in many ways, I was just as sick as he was. Addiction can turn a family inside out and make every member every bit as sick as the addict. I had to learn to focus on me and let him make his own choices and live with the consequences of those choices....good or bad. Some days are better than others because I am always a work in progress.
Going forward, I hope that by sharing my experiences and the Al-Anon program here, that I can possibly touch others who are as sick and tired of being sick and tired and crazy as I was. I hope my story hits a chord with someone who needs to hear it and that they too can find a way to a life of peace in the midst of a world of chaos. It truly is possible.
So here it begins. Please, if you are struggling as a parent, family member or friend of an addict and you need help, know that there is help out there. Almost every town has Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meetings and there are also online meetings and social media groups designed to help families of addicts.
As awful as addiction is, there is always hope and maybe through this blog, I can offer a little of that to someone who really needs it.
