Once you have a few Al-Anon meetings under your belt, you will start hearing a reoccurring comment. "Everyone tells me that I am acting crazy, and I feel like I am going crazy." The truth is, you are acting crazy! It is all part of the insanity of addiction that drags you in and pulls you under before you even realize what is happening. It seems like almost over night, your addict becomes the worlds best manipulative gaslighter and you feel like you are going crazy because you are literally being driven to that point from a direction you never saw it coming from.
So how does this happen? Part of the issue is, that when you have an addict in your life that you knew prior to their addiction, your own brain can't reconcile the fact that the addict before you is so different from the person you previously knew and loved. That is why it is so easy to make excuses for them and to enable them. In your selective vision, you don't see an addict before you, who would literally steal everything worth stealing from you and lie to your face without an ounce of remorse. If you could actually see that reality, you would never help them or enable them and distance and boundaries would be a breeze. What your confused brain sees though, is the person you raised, or married or who is your parent or friend, who would never hurt you, therefore you must help them, even if that means making excuse for them, lying for them and letting them manipulate you into things you would never in a million years do otherwise. This is where the crazy insanity starts and it just grows from there. This is also why they say that those close to an addict are usually every bit as sick as the addict.
Addiction changes everything about a person from the way they act to the chemicals in their brain. It can make a once loving and kind individual, turn cold, deceptive, angry and down right dangerous. It can also cause mental illness or accelerate existing mental illness. It also gives the addict a keen and urgent sense of survival, with drugs being their end game. In order to get those drugs, they will lie, beg, steal and play mind games like a pro. They literally will have you questioning things you know for a fact that you have said and done. It is gaslighting at it's finest. Add to that the extreme stress, worry and exhaustion that comes from them up and leaving without a word, making no contact for days on end and not knowing where they are or who they are with, and your own mental status starts breaking down pretty quickly and the craziness just keeps on keeping on.
I once heard someone at a meeting say that life with an addict is like living in a torture chamber. It's one of the truest statements I have ever heard. The addict can break you so far down that if you aren't careful, you can become a casualty of their addiction before they do.
Another part of the insanity is that when you love an addict, you have a misguided belief that you MUST stand by them and help them no matter how unacceptable their words and actions become . They add to this belief daily by telling you just that, and they can play on your love, your guilt, your relationship, and even your sense of right and wrong, to the point where you really aren't even sure what right and wrong is anymore. And, if you do hit a breaking point and realize the craziness of your own actions and refuse to give them money, or a ride or a place to stay, then they will scream and yell, tear things up, threaten, and often tell you they hate you and that you are the worst person ever. Then, like a switch was flipped, in the next breath they will be crying and apologizing and telling you that they really do love you and they just need help and they will get that help, if you only just do what they want right now. None of it do they actually believe or mean and all of it is manipulation with the goal of getting just the right reaction from you, to ultimately get whatever it is they want. It can be an exhausting roller coaster ride that can end up with you on the floor in a puddle, questioning everything you have ever known and doubting who you are as a person.
So how do you keep from literally going crazy and losing yourself in the process when you love an addict? You do what anyone does when going into battle. You put on armor to protect yourself from future attacks. Translated into the world of addiction, this means that you find the nearest Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting and you go, you listen, you learn and you gain the tools it takes to keep your sanity and protect yourself from future attacks.
You will quickly learn to listen to others and understand that most have been if not in your exact shoes, then at the very least similar shoes. You learn to detach with love and start seeing your addict for who they really are and not just the image of who you want them to be. You set up boundaries and you stick to those boundaries and allow your addict to make their own choices and also to live with their own consequences. You quit trying to save them and focus on saving yourself. Most of all you have to realize that you didn't cause their addiction and you can't cure their addiction, but you can enable them to death, or die trying..... if you aren't careful.
The world of addiction is a murky one and it doesn't just affect the addict. It has long reaching arms that affect everyone that loves the addict. It is such a toxic disease that it can not only destroy the addict, but also those closest to them. Just like you can't protect them from themselves, you however must protect yourself from them, and that is not an overly dramatic statement. No matter what your relationship was with them prior to their addiction, as addicts, they have no filter and no ability or desire to reign themselves in. They see nothing wrong with their behavior and everything wrong with the fact you don't understand that. More insanity.
The good news about all of this is.....there is always hope and when you finally go to that first meeting and start taking the necessary steps to put on end to the insanity and your own crazy behaviors, then it starts becoming easier to put the focus on you (where it needs to be) and to let your addict figure his choices and consequences out for him or herself. By taking these steps actually and figuratively, then often that hope comes to fruition much sooner. Myself and my addict are living proof of this.
So if your addict has you at a breaking point and you know that you are acting crazy and feeling crazy, then give yourself the best gift you will ever give. Find yourself a meeting and give yourself the gift of sanity. Chances are, you will be like me, and be so grateful that you did.
Until next time, here's hoping that you are able to look for the reality and not just the wished for, that you are able to let go of the crazy insanity, and that most of all, you can find your true self and your inner peace.
