I first stepped into an Al-Anon meeting over 25 years ago. I went because someone I cared about and was close with was a recovering addict and alcoholic. He insisted that to truly know him, that I needed to have an understanding of his world. Since I had not known him as an active addict and I had no known addiction or alcoholism in my family, going to those meetings meant very little to me. I was not going for myself at the time, but rather because someone asked me to and I had no frame of reference for what these people in this group were going through or what these meetings meant to them. After a meeting or two, I felt I had done my due diligence and I was done.
That experience was my first real knowledge of Al-Anon and even then I didn't fully understand what it was all about. Not until my son became an addict did Al-Anon re-enter my life as even a thought. Little did I know that there would come a day that Al-Anon would literally save me.
In the early stages of my sons addiction, when I think everyone on the outside looking in knew there was a problem before I did, Al-Anon was suggested to me by a friend who was also a therapist. I think she saw much more than I did, especially when I was living in a world of enabling and denying. I was sure that first and foremost my son was not an addict and that whatever was going on with him, I could control, manipulate and fix. So you can imagine with my ego running unchecked, the thought of a group telling me how to handle my situation was not in the least bit appealing. From time to time though, when things were extremely tense and glimpses of reality were starting to come clear, Al-Anon did pop into my head and I did contemplate finding a meeting. That was as far as it went though.
When reality finally hit me in the head like a ton of brick and we were on the 3rd, 4th...8th relapse, I could no longer deny that I was in way over my head. I was fighting to keep someone clean who didn't want to be clean. As fast as I could drive him to a detox, sober living, etc, he was walking out the door blaming everyone but himself and I was buying every ounce of BS he spouted....to a point.
Everyone else in my world was now seeing clearly what I still denied. I was enabling my addict with lightening speed and making excuses for the inexcusable, while he was wreaking havoc and leaving a trail of chaos and destruction in his path. It had become a whirlwind of drama where he was instigating and demanding and refusing help all in the same breath. There was a two to three week period where he was the absolute focus of my life day and night. I spent my days running him from place to place looking for sober living, making counseling appointments and spending money on him replacing clothes and personal item he had either traded for drugs or gotten stolen. The only "right" thing I did in this period of time was not let him back in my home. Had I not had some not so gentle pressure from other family members, this might not have been the case. However even at night I worried about where he was, what he was doing and if I was going to hear from him the next day....or ever again. On the rare nights when I was able to drift off, like clock work he would call or message me with some new crisis or drama of his own creation which demanded my immediate attention. It was never ending and my health both mentally and physically was starting to crumble.
The day finally came when I realized that I could no longer continue being this boys ATM, his personal chauffeur and his supreme enabler. I could not save him but I had to try and save myself. The realization that I was being used and nothing less and that he had no desire to get clean was finally brought squarely home, so that day I dropped him off, went home and went to sleep.
The next day I realized that I really had no control over any of this and that if I didn't do something quick, his addiction was going to kill me. That day I looked up our local Al-Anon chapter and I called the number. There was no answer and I was devastated, but I left my name and number and hung up. I don't know whether I really wanted that call back or not, because when the number came up on my phone as an incoming call, I almost didn't answer. Thank God I did.
On the other end of that line was the voice of an angel. She told me there was hope. She wasn't talking about my addict, she was talking about me. During our conversation, I cried and told my sad and long suffering story about my addict and our history. She listened without saying anything. When I was done, she told me that the first thing I needed to do was come to a meeting. Unfortunately, in my small town they only had meetings one night a week and this meeting was days away. She told me though, that there were other meetings in other towns that weren't too far away and that I should check them out. Her voice was kind, strong and knowing as she shared with me that her own personal situation was not unlike my own and she was surviving. When I got off the phone, I immediately found the next available meeting closest to me. God does have mysterious ways. It just so happened that the next meeting was the following day.....at the place where I had gone to my first meeting all those years ago. It had to be a sign that I needed to do this.
That night, I tried to remember what it was like to go to an Al-Anon meeting. I remembered very little. Then I started thinking about me, my addict and this meeting. Hell Yes I was going to this meeting! I had put up with years of verbal and now physical abuse. No longer was I going to deal with the horrible names, the destruction in my home and the manipulation that he handed out as easily as he breathed. I could only imagine what all of those people would think when I told them of the things he had said to me and how much he had put me through. Always before I had gone out of my way to protect his image even to the point of lying, but no longer. I didn't care what anyone thought of him. I felt like a prisoner that was about to get their day in court and boy was everyone going to get an earful.
The next day I drove to the Al-Anon meeting. My stomach did flips all the way as my emotions were caught between my ego stinging from not being able to handle this myself and being prepared to rawly lay out my addicts story to a bunch of complete strangers. Then it occurred to me, what if they thought his addiction was my fault? What if they told me to my face that I was responsible for his issues? I was nearly sick before I finally pulled up. It had been a bit of a drive to get there, so I wasn't about to not go in. Maybe on second thought, I would just sit there and not say a word. Just because I came today didn't mean I had to come back. All these thoughts. All these emotions. It took everything I had to walk through those doors but something told me that I was out of options and if I didn't, I really might not survive.
As I walked in and sat down, I was greeted warmly. Obviously they knew I was new face. Those present asked me my name (first name only), ask me if I was new to Al-Anon and told me to sit wherever I liked. I sat down and felt strangely at ease. People walked in and by appearance seemed to come from every walk of life. The room filled quickly and soon the meeting was underway. As the leader began the meeting, it was pointed out in the introduction that Al-Anon was not about our addicts or alcoholics. It was about us. I'm not sure that sunk in that day. It took me a meeting or two before I got the full brunt of that statement.
The meeting was set up with a topic (detachment was that weeks topic)and then we went around the room discussing that topic as it pertained to us. The people before me talked about detaching as if it was a natural part of life. There were parents, siblings, children and friends and extended family of alcoholics and addicts sitting around the table. Some of their addicts were practicing and others weren't. Some lived with their alcoholics and some didn't. Whatever the case though, they talked of detachment as if it were the easiest thing in life. Phrases like, "What she does is none of my business," and "He has the right to make bad decisions, even if that is drinking and using," literally floored me. Then it was my turn.
Detachment didn't fit in with the story I was planning on telling, so I tried to get honest. I simply started by saying, "I have no idea how to detach." It was probably the most honest and clear thing I had said in a very long time. I did end up telling my story, but from a much different vantage point, because as I told it, I realized that I had some blame in this story. It wasn't all my addict, I had responsibility for how some of this had played out. Listening to their stories had made me realize in that one pivotal moment that I was not the victim that I had visualized myself being. I also wasn't the all wise and all knowing one either who could step in and control and fix this thing. In that moment I knew that I was the mom of an addict, who didn't have a clue about how to handle myself, my life or my addict and that here and now......I was in the place that I belonged.
After that meeting, I walked out with a new word.....detachment. I knew that to move forward that detachment would become a working verb in my life and it would possibly become my saving grace. I would have to pry myself out of my sons life and relearn motherhood from the place of addiction. My life was truly changed that day. In one hour I had found some peace, a glimmer of hope in the fact that I could see my dire situation with fresh eyes and a better perspective. It also occurred to me, that not unlike my addict, in order for him to get clean and stay that way, he has to want it and be willing to do whatever it takes to get that way. It was the same for me. If I wanted to be healthy emotionally and physically, even in the midst of addiction, I had to be willing to do whatever it takes to get that way too. Before that day I had begged for a miracle. That day it was given to me.
Since then, I have only grown in my own self awareness as to what I can and cannot do where addiction is concerned. Through Al-Anon I have learned that I am never alone in this battle but that I am completely powerless over addiction and my addicts choices. The only thing I truly have control over is myself and my own actions and attitudes. By going to meetings and reading my Al-Anon books, I have gained tools to regain my sanity that was almost destroyed in the insane world of addiction and although my son still struggles with addiction, I am able to see him as more than just an addict all the while maintaining loving detachment and healthy boundaries for both of us.
In one fell swoop that day, my ego and my illusions about myself and my situation were brought down and replaced with a realistic overview and I have never looked back. I attend several meetings throughout the week and I do my readings daily. I remind myself that I can only do so much and I have learned to give what I can't do over to my Higher Power (God). I have become much closer to my faith throughout all of this and my mental and physical health are much improved.
Now don't get me wrong. I won't say that every day is easy and that life is a dream. Far from it. But I have learned how to handle the tough times in much healthier ways and while I may vacation in the negative from time to time, I don't allow myself to move in. My life is much happier, much more peaceful and much more serene and I call that a win.
If you have an addict/alcoholic in your life and you feel like you are at the end of your rope, I encourage you to check out Al-Anon or NarAnon in your area. Like they say at the end of every meeting....."It works if you work it....and you're worth it!"
Until next time..........
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