Crazy Insanity

This addiction business is tough stuff. It takes you through terrain we never asked for and that you never dreamed you would enter. Once there though, you experience a roller coaster ride of emotional blackmail, manipulations, lies, and gas lighting that you would think would only be seen in the movies. Unfortunately, the reality is you are now living out your worst nightmares, only you can't wake up. If it helps though, just about everyone who loves an addict has been through it. 

Once you have a few Al-Anon meetings under your belt, you will start hearing a reoccurring comment. "Everyone tells me that I am acting crazy, and I feel like I am going crazy." The truth is, you are acting crazy! It is all part of the insanity of addiction that drags you in and pulls you under before you even realize what is happening. It seems like almost over night, your addict becomes the worlds best manipulative gaslighter and you feel like you are going crazy because you are literally being driven to that point from a direction you never saw it coming from.  

So how does this happen? Part of the issue is, that when you have an addict in your life that you knew prior to their addiction, your own brain can't reconcile the fact that the addict before you is so different from the person you previously knew and loved. That is why it is so easy to make excuses for them and to enable them. In your selective vision, you don't see an addict before you, who would literally steal everything worth stealing from you and lie to your face without an ounce of remorse. If you could actually see that reality, you would never help them or enable them and distance and boundaries would be a breeze. What your confused brain sees though, is the person you raised, or married or who is your parent or friend, who would never hurt you, therefore you must help them, even if that means making excuse for them, lying for them and letting them manipulate you into things you would never in a million years do otherwise. This is where the crazy insanity starts and it just grows from there. This is also why they say that those close to an addict are usually every bit as sick as the addict. 

Addiction changes everything about a person from the way they act to the chemicals in their brain. It can make a once loving and kind individual, turn cold, deceptive, angry and down right dangerous. It can also cause mental illness or accelerate existing mental illness. It also gives the addict a keen and urgent sense of survival, with drugs being their end game. In order to get those drugs, they will lie, beg, steal and play mind games like a pro. They literally will have you questioning things you know for a fact that you have said and done. It is gaslighting at it's finest. Add to that the extreme stress, worry and exhaustion that comes from them up and leaving without a word, making no contact for days on end and not knowing where they are or who they are with, and your own mental status starts breaking down pretty quickly and the craziness just keeps on keeping on. 

I once heard someone at a meeting say that life with an addict is like living in a torture chamber. It's one of the truest statements I have ever heard. The addict can break you so far down that if you aren't careful, you can become a casualty of their addiction before they do. 

Another part of the insanity is that when you love an addict, you have a misguided belief that you MUST stand by them and help them no matter how unacceptable their words and actions become . They add to this belief daily by telling you just that, and they can play on your love, your guilt, your relationship, and even your sense of right and wrong, to the point where you really aren't even sure what right and wrong is anymore. And, if you do hit a breaking point and realize the craziness of your own actions and refuse to give them money, or a ride or a place to stay, then they will scream and yell, tear things up, threaten, and often tell you they hate you and that you are the worst person ever. Then, like a switch was flipped, in the next breath they will be crying and apologizing and telling you that they really do love you and they just need help and they will get that help, if you only just do what they want right now. None of it do they actually believe or mean and all of it is manipulation with the goal of getting just the right reaction from you, to ultimately get whatever it is they want. It can be an exhausting roller coaster ride that can end up with you on the floor in a puddle, questioning everything you have ever known and doubting who you are as a person.

So how do you keep from literally going crazy and losing yourself in the process when you love an addict? You do what anyone does when going into battle. You put on armor to protect yourself from future attacks. Translated into the world of addiction, this means that you find the nearest Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting and you go, you listen, you learn and you gain the tools it takes to keep your sanity and protect yourself from future attacks. 

You will quickly learn to listen to others and understand that most have been if not in your exact shoes, then at the very least similar shoes. You learn to detach with love and start seeing your addict for who they really are and not just the image of who you want them to be. You set up boundaries and you stick to those boundaries and allow your addict to make their own choices and also to live with their own consequences. You quit trying to save them and focus on saving yourself. Most of all you have to realize that you didn't cause their addiction and you can't cure their addiction, but you can enable them to death, or die trying..... if you aren't careful.  

The world of addiction is a murky one and it doesn't just affect the addict. It has long reaching arms that affect everyone that loves the addict. It is such a toxic disease that it can not only destroy the addict, but also those closest to them. Just like you can't protect them from themselves, you however must protect yourself from them, and that is not an overly dramatic statement. No matter what your relationship was with them prior to their addiction, as addicts, they have no filter and no ability or desire to reign themselves in. They see nothing wrong with their behavior and everything wrong with the fact you don't understand that. More insanity.

The good news about all of this is.....there is always hope and when you finally go to that first meeting and start taking the necessary steps to put on end to the insanity and your own crazy behaviors, then it starts becoming easier to put the focus on you (where it needs to be) and to let your addict figure his choices and consequences out for him or herself. By taking these steps actually and figuratively, then often that hope comes to fruition much sooner. Myself and my addict are living proof of this. 

So if your addict has you at a breaking point and you know that you are acting crazy and feeling crazy, then give yourself the best gift you will ever give. Find yourself a meeting and give yourself the gift of sanity. Chances are, you will be like me, and be so grateful that you did. 

Until next time, here's hoping that you are able to look for the reality and not just the wished for, that you are able to let go of the crazy insanity, and that most of all, you can find your true self and your inner peace. 

Dealing With Family and Friends

Sometimes, when we have an addict in our world, it is actually not the addict that is the hardest person to deal with. Often, there are family members or friends who are much more difficult than the addict themselves. This usually springs from the fact that those difficult family members and friends don't actually live in the home with the addict and they don't see just who the addict really is while in active addiction. Unless you are faced with addiction and an addict up close and personally, people just don't have an understanding of what you might be going through. Because of this, there can be a great deal of struggle, misinformation and denial going on with them, and that can get thrown right back on you. 

The truth is, that it isn't always the family members and friends fault. If your addict was a really good person  pre-addiction, and that is the only version they know of the addict, then they are going to have no idea that this person has turned into one of the worlds best liars and manipulators, and they will not be able to reconcile the person they think they know to the person they are now dealing with. They will also not see that this addict can read a room like no other and will know who they can manipulate and who they can't. So they will not see it coming when the addict puts on a good face to get anything from money to a ride or anything else they think they might want or need in the moment. Yep, if you don't know addiction or addictive behavior, then you can't possibly prepare yourself for what is to come.

I have heard so many people talking about along with dealing with their addict, also having to deal with other family members. It is frustrating when those outside your addiction bubble aren't privy to the anger, the name calling, the mood swings, the lying, the stealing and the disrespect for anyone and everyone. All those outside the bubble see is what the addict wants them to see and because the addict can be a charming yet narcissistic creature, those family and friends on the outside will believe them above you a good percent of the time. And because they are not part of the active addiction, they have no understanding of your need for boundaries or detachment, thus, you are seen as too judgmental, too insensitive, too mean or just flat out a liar, while the addict comes out smelling like a rose. 

The worst situations though, can arise when you try to tell family and friends not to give the addict money and in some cases, to not even let the addict into their homes......and yet they ignore you and do it anyway. The addict has them so thoroughly convinced that you are crazy, delusional or just out to get them, so ultimately those on the outside have no idea they are being enablers, but instead see themselves as knights in shining armor, helping the poor addict, because you refuse to. It is frustrating, infuriating, and in the end, you always end up looking like a mean and uncaring monster, just because you have boundaries and are willing to stick to them. 

So what do we do about these friends and family who refuse to see the truth and insist on seeing us as the bad guy and the addict as a victim? The answer is simple. You do nothing and let them figure it out for themselves. I learned the hard way, that if you tell someone once what the situation is and warn them to protect their money, their possessions, their residence and their hearts from the addict and they don't listen, then telling them a second time or a twenty-second time will not make them any more willing to listen or hear you. Often, them finding out the hard way after they have been used, stolen from and ultimately hurt over the situation is they only way they end up seeing the truth. 

In the beginning, when my son was just starting down the path to active addiction, and long before I found Al-Anon, I still knew something wasn't right. I wasn't exactly sure what was going on, but I saw how fast money was going through his hands with nothing to show for it, how his behaviors were changing day by day for the worse, and I saw the rough crowd he was starting to hang with. Even just knowing all of this and yet really knowing nothing, I knew that giving him money was a horrid mistake. Luckily, I had none to give him, but at some point, I started thinking about those in my world who might. Little did I know though, he had already been spreading the word how awful I was, how unfair I was, and how I was just plain crazy, and sadly, more people than I would like to admit, believed him. So when I started telling people that something was going on with him and not to give him money for any reason, there were those that saw me as the villain and him as the victim. Again, luckily, there were not that many in our world that had the money to give, so regardless of what some thought of me, they didn't have the means to hand him money or "help" him out. Unfortunately however, there was one who did.....my dad. 

My dad at the time, was your typical senior man who had invested well, saved well and had prepared well for retirement. What he didn't do well, was listen to others. He and I didn't have the best of relationships to begin with, although, funny thing, his feelings for me didn't carry over to his grandkids. He was crazy about them.......at least until they made him mad or disappointed him. At this time, my addict had yet to do either. My son knew full well though, that staying on his grandfathers good side was imperative in order to get a steady stream of money and what better way to do that, then to keep my dad and I at odds. I told my dad many a time not to give my son money, and each time he did it anyway, often telling him not to tell me. I even broke down crying to my dad and begging him not to give my son anymore money because he was an addict, and my dad flat out told me that I was being ridiculous and that I was just jealous of the relationship between him and my son. It was so frustrating and at the time, a little hurtful too. 

It wasn't until much later that I learned just how much money he had given my addicted son, and by this time, everyone knew my sons situation. Rather though, than admit that he hadn't listened to me and had given my son all of this money despite what I had told him, he instead told others that I had simply taken the money from him, and put the blame squarely on me. Again....hurtful, but not surprising. 

Later on, as I joined Al-Anon and learned the tools needed for loving an addict, I also learned that I had no control over what others did or thought, addict or not. I realized that my constantly telling others that my son was an addict and not to be trusted, really helped no one, especially if they already had their minds made up. I learned while standing back and watching, that eventually, my sons own actions would be his undoing where these people were concerned and at some point, they would and did see the truth, even if like my dad, they had to learn the hard way. 

As time went on, and my son fell further into his addiction, those whom he had tried to keep up a good front with, soon became expendable in his life and not worth his time or effort, if money, a place to stay or rides weren't involved, since the end game was to keep the addiction and the addict lifestyle going. What is truly sad though, is that some of those people who refused to believe what he was doing until he himself showed them, now forever view him as that person. It is sad too, because my son the recovering addict is really a pretty awesome person. Maybe one day they will find this out.  

I guess the bottom line is, if you have an addict in your life and you have family and friends causing more of a struggle in your life than even your addict is, my suggestion to you is as always, go to meetings and put the focus on you. Gain the tools you need at those meetings, but don't try to tell others what they refuse to hear. You can only take care of you. In the end, they will likely have to learn the hard way and yes, that can make your addict collateral damage, by them giving him money or enabling him, but your addict and his/her enablers are entitled to make their own choices, even if they are bad ones.

Also remember, if your family members and friends get too toxic in your life, detaching and boundaries are not just good to help the situation with your addict. Sometimes a few good boundaries and a little detaching from other individuals in your life will also help more than you can know. 

Traditionally, other family members and friends can be considered a great support system, unfortunately though, because addiction is what it is, this is not always the case when you are dealing with an addict. Sometimes, in order to survive, you  have to detach from those on the outside and keep your boundaries strong and tight even from the most well intentioned people, in order to keep your own peace and your own sanity. 

So if  you or someone you know is dealing with an addict and feels powerless  over the addiction and the addict, then find an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting near you. If you can't find a meeting on your own, please contact me and together we will find you one so that you never have to feel powerless again.

Until next time, share a smile, find a meeting and most of all remember......it works if you work it. 

Liar! Liar!

What most of us don't realize as we step inside a Al-Anon meeting for the first time is that we are already in the process of working our 1st of the Twelve Steps of Al-Anon. We admit that we are powerless over alcohol/addiction-that our lives had become unmanageable. Truly, that is why most of us show up that first time. If the exact words of step #1 had not already formed in our head, at the very least as a family member or friend of an alcoholic/addict, we were at our wits end and life had become out of control and unmanageable and we had no place to go but up. I know that was certainly the case for me. I also literally was desperate to know that there was possibly a light at the end of the tunnel and the only way I would be convinced of this was to be around and talk to other people who had traveled this road I was on and who more importantly....... had survived it. 

I learned very quickly that my son might be an addict, but in my own way, I was just as sick and messed up as he was. Learning that I was a controlling, enabling mom who manipulated, plotted, planned and lied my way through my addicts bad behavior was quite a shocker to me. It also helped to put into perspective how my life had become so unmanageable. It wasn't all on him. It made me take the focus off his bad behaviors and put it squarely on my own. Another shocking fact to me was that some of the behaviors I despised most in him, he  had apparently come by rightly. One of the most striking was the lying.

If you had asked me before I started going to Al-Anon if I was an honest person, I would have looked you straight in the eye and told you that "Yes, I'm definitely an honest person." Sadly I would also have honestly believed I was telling the truth, all the while, lying through my teeth. The fact was that I had become just as proficient a liar as my addict was. I lied for him and about him to literally everyone. I guess because I felt that my motives were pure (protecting my addicts reputation, image and in some cases relationships) and because of this, they were "acceptable" lies. Nope....no such thing. This was just a way that I mentally manipulated myself into being okay with the person that I was becoming.....a liar. 

Then came the day that I was sitting in an Al-Anon meeting and listening to some innocuous share, when suddenly I sat up straight and realized what a liar I had become. I despised being lied to and by extension, I hated liars. It was so disheartening to realize that I had become that which I hated most. I was soon to learn though to be gentle with myself and not to be too self-deprecating as lying is just one of the many tricks in the bag of an enabling mom...or any enabler for that matter. Because I was so good at "fixing" everything for my addict, this meant doing whatever it took to keep the world from knowing what was really going on behind closed doors and protecting him from the consequences of his bad behaviors. So I lied.

Lying can weigh extremely heavy on a person. It did on me. The more lies I told, the more lies I felt I needed to tell. It is exhausting when lying becomes your life. I was lying to family members and to friends. Every lie centered around my addict but they began to take on a life of their own and become detrimental to my own soul. I hated lying and more and more the justifications I created for my lies became less and less acceptable.....even to me. After all, you can only make so many excuses for the "new" holes in your walls and doors, his telling people he will be somewhere and never showing up and his angry outbursts aimed at anyone in his path. It eventually just becomes too much when you begin to realize that no one buys your lies anymore and you start to lose people in your world because they don't know why you are lying.....they just know you are. It sucked.

I think one of the most soul healing and peaceful days of my life was when I realized that I was not responsible for protecting my addict from his behaviors, his addiction or himself anymore. It was the most freeing feeling to know that I didn't have to lie for him because his actions and attitudes were on him, not me. It was also pretty awesome to be able to go to a meeting and admit what a liar I had been and not have anyone look at me with shock or disgust, but more with total understanding. They had all been there in some form or another and they knew that you can't enable without lying. The truth is that one of the biggest parts of enabling is...... lying to ourselves and others. 

Sadly, lying can become a habit and I had done if for so long, that it became a knee jerk reaction when it was something having to do with or about my addict. I still catch myself from time to starting to spin a tale, but then I stop. There is no reason to and no purpose in it. My addicts life and story are now his own. He no longer needs my embellishments....and with that, the tale ends there.

Living with an addict and being the parent of an addict is a hard road that leaves destruction and devastation in its path. Family members and friends can quickly and easily become people we don't even recognize if we aren't careful. Al-Anon has put a mirror to my face and helped me to see who I really am as opposed to who I thought I was. It has given me the tools to get honest and acknowledge what I was doing and accept the fact that I was becoming the absolute worst version of myself. With that acceptance, it also made me free to choose whether to continue on down the soul crushing road I was on or to put the focus on myself and change the only thing in this life I can.....ME!

Today, while far from perfect, I find myself liking the wildly imperfect person I am and enjoying my day by day and sometimes minute by minute progress to finding my best self. Without Al-Anon, I don't think I would have ever been able to be self aware enough to see my slow self destruction, let alone have been strong enough to admit it. Today is a much better day and while I still struggle and fall back instead of moving forward from time to time, at the end of the day, I recognize the missteps and have the tools and abilities to set myself back on track. Just for today......I am good.

Until next time.......