It is interesting that when I finally gave in an joined Al-Anon, I latched on to several things right off the bat. The first thing was "detaching with love," which I don't think I had ever heard of before Al-Anon. That was just crazy talk. Parents didn't detach, they held on for dear life and enabled.....right? I had no idea what this detaching with love was or how to do it, but once it was explained to me, it made perfect sense.
The second thing I grabbed a hold of like a life line, was the concept of "boundaries" as up until that moment, I had absolutely zero boundaries and therefore, my addict was walking all over me and using me like a cheap rug. The saying, "We get what we allow," could not be more true.
Finally and maybe the most important thing that really struck a nerve with me and made me re-evaluate everything I had ever thought about and done was the concept of "expectations," and that is what I am going to talk about today.
At each meeting, there is usually a topic presented to be discussed. I think it was maybe my second meeting when I was still very new and trying to take in all that was being talked about, that the topic of "expectations," came up. On the surface and without context, it made little sense to me how this would fit in with myself, my addict and me or this Al-Anon group helping me to fix things. Yes, I was still of the mindset that I had some sort of power to control or fix my addict and his addiction. It took me a couple of more meetings to realize that the only fixing I would be doing was myself.
Expectations though, are common. We all have them. We expect our spouse to walk through the door at 5:30 p.m. for dinner. We expect our kids to go to school and work hard. We expect the neighbor to keep their dog and his business on their property. What happens though, when our expectations aren't met? When our spouse doesn't walk in the door at 5:30 and hasn't called, when our kid doesn't work so hard at school and brings home a failing grade or when the neighbors dog does in fact use our yard as his own private toilet? Do you feel angry, upset, disappointed, scared, and a host of other emotions that have both a negative effect on you and a negative effect on the person whom you put your expectations on in the first place?
Expectations are pesky little creatures and they can work their way into situations and cause a whole lot more harm than good. How? Because expectations are our pre-conceived notions about how something should be, how someone else should act, and how we want something to turn out. Very seldom do those in our lives, addict or otherwise, consistently live up to our expectations. Furthermore, our expectations are usually not based in reality. They are based in a fantasy of how we "think" things should be and often, others are not able, nor do they want to live up to our fantastical idea of how we have decided it should all turn out.
The worst thing about expectations though, are that they almost always leave us disappointed. When I would have the expectation that my addict should/could/would want to get clean and not live on the street, and then he would turn around and make no effort to get clean or leave the streets, I would be disappointed to the point of devastation. It made no sense to me. This usually led me to letting him know just how disappointed I really was, throwing verbal guilt darts at him, which did in fact make him feel guilty and worthless because in the moment, he couldn't be or do what I wanted him to. My expectations and the resulting disappointment helped nothing. It took me a while to realize that what made sense to me, didn't make the same sense to someone who was an active drug user and whose brain had been affected by said drugs. He no longer thought as a non-drug user. He thought as an addict and that can be some really non-sensical thinking.
I believed or expected that wanting to get clean was a no brainer. It only made sense to me, that being clean would always trump living and using on the streets. The reality though, was that my addict was just that.....an addict and because of that, he thought, felt, acted and reacted like an addict. Addicts want one thing and one thing only.....drugs. They want them when and how they want them and the streets provide them with that. They can't conceive of a world where they can't do their drug of choice and any suggestion that they might go to detox and get clean is shear madness to their drug addicted brain. In other words, he had no ability or desire to live up to my expectations and in turn, my expectations were ridiculous given what we were dealing with.
Once the realization that expectations are a deterrent to both my program and his chance at sobriety finally set in, I began to understand that my expectations of others and not just my addict were often unobtainable and regardless of who they were aimed at, the end result was likely going to be guilt on their part and disappointment on mine. It was a viscous cycle that helped nothing and didn't move the relationship or the process along at all. Then I started thinking about how much I not only expected out of others, but also myself, and even inanimate situations. I was nothing but one big ball of unattainable and unattained expectations which made me miserable with everyone and everything all the time.
Then there came a day, when I put all my expectations away. I was going to meet my addict for lunch and always before I would have some form of expectation which usually didn't come to pass within the first few minutes, leaving me unhappy and him uncomfortable and then what time we did have together, was just wasted. This day though, I made up my mind that I didn't care how he looked, what he said, or even if he cut our time short. All I was interested in was spending some time with him whether that be five minutes or an hour.
When I picked him up, I smiled and told him he looked nice and that I loved him. I asked him no questions but told him that I was glad to see him. For awhile he was quiet as I am sure he was wondering who is this crazy woman and what has she done with my mother?
After a bit though, he seemed to relax and he volunteered some information about what he had been doing and where he had been staying. I made no comments and I didn't allow my face to reveal anything but a smile. We ended up spending about 90 minutes together and not once did we fight, nor did I feel disappointment and thus, he had no reason to feel guilt. Before he got out, he thanked me and told me he loved me. Hmmmm......so they were right at Al-Anon. The program does work if you work it!
From that day forward, I learned that as bad as his addiction affected us, my expectations were just as lethal and were certainly not the ticket to making either one of us better. It was a lesson I still pull from in so many different situations today. I realized that my expectations had always outweighed the reality of what was achievable in my families lives. And not even so much achievable, but I had expectations of what I wanted for and from my kids, that would never be met because what I expected from their lives, was not in fact what they even wanted. Yeah......deep...deep....lessons.
Now a days, when I hear someone say how disappointed they are with their own addict or even their spouse or kids, I gently bring up expectations and my own experiences, and nine times out of ten, I will see a lightbulb come on above their head. You just know they are thinking about their own expectations and how often that they too have been left frustrated and disappointed. It's not rocket science and when you get down to it, it just makes perfect sense. To have expectations sets us up for nothing more than feeling frustration and disappointment. If we can't control anyone but ourselves, then what makes us think that it is okay to have expectations for anyone but ourselves?
Al-Anon has taught me so much about my own behaviors and how toxic they could be. More than that though, Al-Anon has given me tools to avoid and change those behaviors and to replace them with positive, constructive and productive ones. They have helped me to realize just how much I had to change me...and funny thing, when I changed me, others seemed to see the change and then they made changes too....this included my addict.
Addiction is a destructive thing and it takes down everything in it's path. It destroys relationships and families and takes us from being semi-normal, thoughtful people, to at times, crazed lunatics with unrealistic thoughts and expectations. Al-Anon though, can help us to remove the craziness and the expectations and show us that regardless of whether our addict gets clean or not, we still have our own lives to live and that can be done in a healthy way that might even bring us a little happiness along the line.
If you have an addict in your life and you feel powerless and need help to find your way back to sanity, find your nearest Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meeting and go. What do you have to lose.....other than expectations, frustrations, disappointments and the shear lunacy of it all? If you can't find a meeting, then feel free to contact me either through my email lelam3@sbcglobal.net or in the comments down below.
Until next time, stay healthy, stay happy, expect nothing and most of all remember,.....the program works if you work it!
