Dealing With Family and Friends

Sometimes, when we have an addict in our world, it is actually not the addict that is the hardest person to deal with. Often, there are family members or friends who are much more difficult than the addict themselves. This usually springs from the fact that those difficult family members and friends don't actually live in the home with the addict and they don't see just who the addict really is while in active addiction. Unless you are faced with addiction and an addict up close and personally, people just don't have an understanding of what you might be going through. Because of this, there can be a great deal of struggle, misinformation and denial going on with them, and that can get thrown right back on you. 

The truth is, that it isn't always the family members and friends fault. If your addict was a really good person  pre-addiction, and that is the only version they know of the addict, then they are going to have no idea that this person has turned into one of the worlds best liars and manipulators, and they will not be able to reconcile the person they think they know to the person they are now dealing with. They will also not see that this addict can read a room like no other and will know who they can manipulate and who they can't. So they will not see it coming when the addict puts on a good face to get anything from money to a ride or anything else they think they might want or need in the moment. Yep, if you don't know addiction or addictive behavior, then you can't possibly prepare yourself for what is to come.

I have heard so many people talking about along with dealing with their addict, also having to deal with other family members. It is frustrating when those outside your addiction bubble aren't privy to the anger, the name calling, the mood swings, the lying, the stealing and the disrespect for anyone and everyone. All those outside the bubble see is what the addict wants them to see and because the addict can be a charming yet narcissistic creature, those family and friends on the outside will believe them above you a good percent of the time. And because they are not part of the active addiction, they have no understanding of your need for boundaries or detachment, thus, you are seen as too judgmental, too insensitive, too mean or just flat out a liar, while the addict comes out smelling like a rose. 

The worst situations though, can arise when you try to tell family and friends not to give the addict money and in some cases, to not even let the addict into their homes......and yet they ignore you and do it anyway. The addict has them so thoroughly convinced that you are crazy, delusional or just out to get them, so ultimately those on the outside have no idea they are being enablers, but instead see themselves as knights in shining armor, helping the poor addict, because you refuse to. It is frustrating, infuriating, and in the end, you always end up looking like a mean and uncaring monster, just because you have boundaries and are willing to stick to them. 

So what do we do about these friends and family who refuse to see the truth and insist on seeing us as the bad guy and the addict as a victim? The answer is simple. You do nothing and let them figure it out for themselves. I learned the hard way, that if you tell someone once what the situation is and warn them to protect their money, their possessions, their residence and their hearts from the addict and they don't listen, then telling them a second time or a twenty-second time will not make them any more willing to listen or hear you. Often, them finding out the hard way after they have been used, stolen from and ultimately hurt over the situation is they only way they end up seeing the truth. 

In the beginning, when my son was just starting down the path to active addiction, and long before I found Al-Anon, I still knew something wasn't right. I wasn't exactly sure what was going on, but I saw how fast money was going through his hands with nothing to show for it, how his behaviors were changing day by day for the worse, and I saw the rough crowd he was starting to hang with. Even just knowing all of this and yet really knowing nothing, I knew that giving him money was a horrid mistake. Luckily, I had none to give him, but at some point, I started thinking about those in my world who might. Little did I know though, he had already been spreading the word how awful I was, how unfair I was, and how I was just plain crazy, and sadly, more people than I would like to admit, believed him. So when I started telling people that something was going on with him and not to give him money for any reason, there were those that saw me as the villain and him as the victim. Again, luckily, there were not that many in our world that had the money to give, so regardless of what some thought of me, they didn't have the means to hand him money or "help" him out. Unfortunately however, there was one who did.....my dad. 

My dad at the time, was your typical senior man who had invested well, saved well and had prepared well for retirement. What he didn't do well, was listen to others. He and I didn't have the best of relationships to begin with, although, funny thing, his feelings for me didn't carry over to his grandkids. He was crazy about them.......at least until they made him mad or disappointed him. At this time, my addict had yet to do either. My son knew full well though, that staying on his grandfathers good side was imperative in order to get a steady stream of money and what better way to do that, then to keep my dad and I at odds. I told my dad many a time not to give my son money, and each time he did it anyway, often telling him not to tell me. I even broke down crying to my dad and begging him not to give my son anymore money because he was an addict, and my dad flat out told me that I was being ridiculous and that I was just jealous of the relationship between him and my son. It was so frustrating and at the time, a little hurtful too. 

It wasn't until much later that I learned just how much money he had given my addicted son, and by this time, everyone knew my sons situation. Rather though, than admit that he hadn't listened to me and had given my son all of this money despite what I had told him, he instead told others that I had simply taken the money from him, and put the blame squarely on me. Again....hurtful, but not surprising. 

Later on, as I joined Al-Anon and learned the tools needed for loving an addict, I also learned that I had no control over what others did or thought, addict or not. I realized that my constantly telling others that my son was an addict and not to be trusted, really helped no one, especially if they already had their minds made up. I learned while standing back and watching, that eventually, my sons own actions would be his undoing where these people were concerned and at some point, they would and did see the truth, even if like my dad, they had to learn the hard way. 

As time went on, and my son fell further into his addiction, those whom he had tried to keep up a good front with, soon became expendable in his life and not worth his time or effort, if money, a place to stay or rides weren't involved, since the end game was to keep the addiction and the addict lifestyle going. What is truly sad though, is that some of those people who refused to believe what he was doing until he himself showed them, now forever view him as that person. It is sad too, because my son the recovering addict is really a pretty awesome person. Maybe one day they will find this out.  

I guess the bottom line is, if you have an addict in your life and you have family and friends causing more of a struggle in your life than even your addict is, my suggestion to you is as always, go to meetings and put the focus on you. Gain the tools you need at those meetings, but don't try to tell others what they refuse to hear. You can only take care of you. In the end, they will likely have to learn the hard way and yes, that can make your addict collateral damage, by them giving him money or enabling him, but your addict and his/her enablers are entitled to make their own choices, even if they are bad ones.

Also remember, if your family members and friends get too toxic in your life, detaching and boundaries are not just good to help the situation with your addict. Sometimes a few good boundaries and a little detaching from other individuals in your life will also help more than you can know. 

Traditionally, other family members and friends can be considered a great support system, unfortunately though, because addiction is what it is, this is not always the case when you are dealing with an addict. Sometimes, in order to survive, you  have to detach from those on the outside and keep your boundaries strong and tight even from the most well intentioned people, in order to keep your own peace and your own sanity. 

So if  you or someone you know is dealing with an addict and feels powerless  over the addiction and the addict, then find an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting near you. If you can't find a meeting on your own, please contact me and together we will find you one so that you never have to feel powerless again.

Until next time, share a smile, find a meeting and most of all remember......it works if you work it. 

Expectations Are Not Our Friend

It is interesting that when I finally gave in an joined Al-Anon, I latched on to several things right off the bat. The first thing was "detaching with love," which I don't think I had ever heard of before Al-Anon. That was just crazy talk. Parents didn't detach, they held on for dear life and enabled.....right? I had no idea what this detaching with love was or how to do it, but once it was explained to me, it made perfect sense. 

The second thing I grabbed a hold of like a life line, was the concept of "boundaries" as up until that moment, I had absolutely zero boundaries and therefore, my addict was walking all over me and using me like a cheap rug. The saying, "We get what we allow," could not be more true.

Finally and maybe the most important thing that really struck a nerve with me and made me re-evaluate everything I had ever thought about and done was the concept of "expectations," and that is what I am going to talk about today. 

At each meeting, there is usually a topic presented to be discussed. I think it was maybe my second meeting when I was still very new and trying to take in all that was being talked about, that the topic of "expectations," came up. On the surface and without context, it made little sense to me how this would fit in with myself, my addict and me or this Al-Anon group helping me to fix things. Yes, I was still of the mindset that I had some sort of power to control or fix my addict and his addiction. It took me a couple of more meetings to realize that the only fixing I would be doing was myself. 

Expectations though, are common. We all have them. We expect our spouse to walk through the door at 5:30 p.m. for dinner. We expect our kids to go to school and work hard. We expect the neighbor to keep their dog and his business on their property. What happens though, when our expectations aren't met? When our spouse doesn't walk in the door at 5:30 and hasn't called, when our kid doesn't work so hard at school and brings home a failing grade or when the neighbors dog does in fact use our yard as his own private toilet? Do you feel angry, upset, disappointed, scared, and a host of other emotions that have both a negative effect on you and a negative effect on the person whom you put your expectations on in the first place?   

Expectations are pesky little creatures and they can work their way into situations and cause a whole lot more harm than good. How? Because expectations are our pre-conceived notions about how something should be, how someone else should act, and how we want something to turn out. Very seldom do those in our lives, addict or otherwise, consistently live up to our expectations. Furthermore, our expectations are usually not based in reality. They are based in a fantasy of how we "think" things should be and often, others are not able, nor do they want to live up to our fantastical idea of how we have decided it should all turn out. 

The worst thing about expectations though, are that they almost always leave us disappointed. When I would have the expectation that my addict should/could/would want to get clean and not live on the street, and then he would turn around and make no effort to get clean or leave the streets, I would be disappointed to the point of devastation. It made no sense to me. This usually led me to letting him know just how disappointed I really was, throwing verbal guilt darts at him, which did in fact make him feel guilty and worthless because in the moment, he couldn't be or do what I wanted him to. My expectations and the resulting disappointment helped nothing. It took me a while to realize that what made sense to me, didn't make the same sense to someone who was an active drug user and whose brain had been affected by said drugs. He no longer thought as a non-drug user. He thought as an addict and that can be some really non-sensical thinking.  

I believed or expected that wanting to get clean was a no brainer. It only made sense to me, that being clean would always trump living and using on the streets. The reality though, was that my addict was just that.....an addict and because of that, he thought, felt, acted and reacted like an addict. Addicts want one thing and one thing only.....drugs. They want them when and how they want them and the streets provide them with that. They can't conceive of a world where they can't do their drug of choice and any suggestion that they might go to detox and get clean is shear madness to their drug addicted brain. In other words, he had no ability or desire to live up to my expectations and in turn, my expectations were ridiculous given what we were dealing with. 

Once the realization that expectations are a deterrent to both my program and his chance at sobriety finally set in, I began to understand that my expectations of others and not just my addict were often unobtainable and regardless of who they were aimed at, the end result was likely going to be guilt on their part and disappointment on mine. It was a viscous cycle that helped nothing and didn't move the relationship or the process along at all. Then I started thinking about how much I not only expected out of others, but also myself, and even inanimate situations. I was nothing but one big ball of unattainable and unattained expectations which made me miserable with everyone and everything all the time. 

Then there came a day, when I put all my expectations away. I was going to meet my addict for lunch and always before I would have some form of expectation which usually didn't come to pass within the first few minutes, leaving me unhappy and him uncomfortable and then what time we did have together, was just wasted. This day though, I made up my mind that I didn't care how he looked, what he said, or even if he cut our time short. All I was interested in was spending some time with him whether that be five minutes or an hour. 

When I picked him up, I smiled and told him he looked nice and that I loved him. I asked him no questions but told him that I was glad to see him. For awhile he was quiet as I am sure he was wondering who is this crazy woman and what has she done with my mother? 

After a bit though, he seemed to relax and he volunteered some information about what he had been doing and where he had been staying. I made no comments and I didn't allow my face to reveal anything but a smile. We ended up spending about 90 minutes together and not once did we fight, nor did I feel disappointment and thus, he had no reason to feel guilt. Before he got out, he thanked me and told me he loved me. Hmmmm......so they were right at Al-Anon. The program does work if you work it! 

From that day forward, I learned that as bad as his addiction affected us, my expectations were just as lethal and were certainly not the ticket to making either one of us better. It was a lesson I still pull from in so many different situations today. I realized that my expectations had always outweighed the reality of what was achievable in my families lives. And not even so much achievable, but I had expectations of what I wanted for and from my kids, that would never be met because what I expected from their lives, was not in fact what they even wanted. Yeah......deep...deep....lessons. 

Now a days, when I hear someone say how disappointed they are with their own addict or even their spouse or kids, I gently bring up expectations and my own experiences, and nine times out of ten, I will see a lightbulb come on above their head. You just know they are thinking about their own expectations and how often that they too have been left frustrated and disappointed. It's not rocket science and when you get down to it, it just makes perfect sense. To have expectations sets us up for nothing more than feeling frustration and disappointment. If we can't control anyone but ourselves, then what makes us think that it is okay to have expectations for anyone but ourselves? 

Al-Anon has taught me so much about my own behaviors and how toxic they could be. More than that though, Al-Anon has given me tools to avoid and change those behaviors and to replace them with positive, constructive and productive ones. They have helped me to realize just how much I had to change me...and funny thing, when I changed me, others seemed to see the change and then they made changes too....this included my addict. 

Addiction is a destructive thing and it takes down everything in it's path. It destroys relationships and families and takes us from being semi-normal, thoughtful people, to at times, crazed lunatics with unrealistic thoughts and expectations. Al-Anon though, can help us to remove the craziness and the expectations and show us that regardless of whether our addict gets clean or not, we still have our own lives to live and that can be done in a healthy way that might even bring us a little happiness along the line. 

If you have an addict in your life and you feel powerless and need help to find your way back to sanity, find your nearest Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meeting and go. What do you have to lose.....other than expectations, frustrations, disappointments and the shear lunacy of it all? If you can't find a meeting, then feel free to contact me either through my email lelam3@sbcglobal.net or in the comments down below. 

Until next time, stay healthy, stay happy, expect nothing and most of all remember,.....the program works if you work it!