What most of us don't realize as we step inside a Al-Anon meeting for the first time is that we are already in the process of working our 1st of the Twelve Steps of Al-Anon. We admit that we are powerless over alcohol/addiction-that our lives had become unmanageable. Truly, that is why most of us show up that first time. If the exact words of step #1 had not already formed in our head, at the very least as a family member or friend of an alcoholic/addict, we were at our wits end and life had become out of control and unmanageable and we had no place to go but up. I know that was certainly the case for me. I also literally was desperate to know that there was possibly a light at the end of the tunnel and the only way I would be convinced of this was to be around and talk to other people who had traveled this road I was on and who more importantly....... had survived it.
I learned very quickly that my son might be an addict, but in my own way, I was just as sick and messed up as he was. Learning that I was a controlling, enabling mom who manipulated, plotted, planned and lied my way through my addicts bad behavior was quite a shocker to me. It also helped to put into perspective how my life had become so unmanageable. It wasn't all on him. It made me take the focus off his bad behaviors and put it squarely on my own. Another shocking fact to me was that some of the behaviors I despised most in him, he had apparently come by rightly. One of the most striking was the lying.
If you had asked me before I started going to Al-Anon if I was an honest person, I would have looked you straight in the eye and told you that "Yes, I'm definitely an honest person." Sadly I would also have honestly believed I was telling the truth, all the while, lying through my teeth. The fact was that I had become just as proficient a liar as my addict was. I lied for him and about him to literally everyone. I guess because I felt that my motives were pure (protecting my addicts reputation, image and in some cases relationships) and because of this, they were "acceptable" lies. Nope....no such thing. This was just a way that I mentally manipulated myself into being okay with the person that I was becoming.....a liar.
Then came the day that I was sitting in an Al-Anon meeting and listening to some innocuous share, when suddenly I sat up straight and realized what a liar I had become. I despised being lied to and by extension, I hated liars. It was so disheartening to realize that I had become that which I hated most. I was soon to learn though to be gentle with myself and not to be too self-deprecating as lying is just one of the many tricks in the bag of an enabling mom...or any enabler for that matter. Because I was so good at "fixing" everything for my addict, this meant doing whatever it took to keep the world from knowing what was really going on behind closed doors and protecting him from the consequences of his bad behaviors. So I lied.
Lying can weigh extremely heavy on a person. It did on me. The more lies I told, the more lies I felt I needed to tell. It is exhausting when lying becomes your life. I was lying to family members and to friends. Every lie centered around my addict but they began to take on a life of their own and become detrimental to my own soul. I hated lying and more and more the justifications I created for my lies became less and less acceptable.....even to me. After all, you can only make so many excuses for the "new" holes in your walls and doors, his telling people he will be somewhere and never showing up and his angry outbursts aimed at anyone in his path. It eventually just becomes too much when you begin to realize that no one buys your lies anymore and you start to lose people in your world because they don't know why you are lying.....they just know you are. It sucked.
I think one of the most soul healing and peaceful days of my life was when I realized that I was not responsible for protecting my addict from his behaviors, his addiction or himself anymore. It was the most freeing feeling to know that I didn't have to lie for him because his actions and attitudes were on him, not me. It was also pretty awesome to be able to go to a meeting and admit what a liar I had been and not have anyone look at me with shock or disgust, but more with total understanding. They had all been there in some form or another and they knew that you can't enable without lying. The truth is that one of the biggest parts of enabling is...... lying to ourselves and others.
Sadly, lying can become a habit and I had done if for so long, that it became a knee jerk reaction when it was something having to do with or about my addict. I still catch myself from time to starting to spin a tale, but then I stop. There is no reason to and no purpose in it. My addicts life and story are now his own. He no longer needs my embellishments....and with that, the tale ends there.
Living with an addict and being the parent of an addict is a hard road that leaves destruction and devastation in its path. Family members and friends can quickly and easily become people we don't even recognize if we aren't careful. Al-Anon has put a mirror to my face and helped me to see who I really am as opposed to who I thought I was. It has given me the tools to get honest and acknowledge what I was doing and accept the fact that I was becoming the absolute worst version of myself. With that acceptance, it also made me free to choose whether to continue on down the soul crushing road I was on or to put the focus on myself and change the only thing in this life I can.....ME!
Today, while far from perfect, I find myself liking the wildly imperfect person I am and enjoying my day by day and sometimes minute by minute progress to finding my best self. Without Al-Anon, I don't think I would have ever been able to be self aware enough to see my slow self destruction, let alone have been strong enough to admit it. Today is a much better day and while I still struggle and fall back instead of moving forward from time to time, at the end of the day, I recognize the missteps and have the tools and abilities to set myself back on track. Just for today......I am good.
Until next time.......
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