There is a lot that goes into taking that first step inside an Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meeting and for ease of understanding and me writing this, I will refer to Al-Anon/Nar-Anon going forward as Al-Anon only. I went to Al-Anon many years ago at the request of my husband. When we met, he was three years clean and sober and he felt me going to Al-Anon would help me to understand addiction a bit better. The problem was that I had never known him as an active addict, nor had I knowingly known any addict, so I had no understanding of Al-Anon or what those attending the meeting were going through. I went to a few meetings, but it sadly meant little to me at the time.
Jump ahead 20+ years, and Al-Anon was reintroduced into my consciousness. I fought it like the plague. Every time it was mentioned by friends, healthcare workers or counselors, I felt my body physically recoil and a wall went up immediately. I think my biggest issue with Al-Anon was that to agree to go, I had to agree there was a problem, and I was still so deeply in denial, that I just wouldn't.
It wasn't until my RAS was so out of control and I was so at my wits end and out of solutions, that I was willing to try anything, that I was willing to revisit the idea of Al-Anon. I wasn't eating, sleeping or even functioning as a human being anymore. My own actions had gotten manipulative and crazy and I could no longer deny that addiction was damaging my family and slowly destroying my body, mind and soul. Up until this point, everyone in the free world could see what was going on but me. Finally the day came, after an intense situation at the counselors office where my RAS had a verbal and almost physical meltdown and police were called, that I realized that I was in way over my head. I know I must have looked so out of my element, and the counselor took me aside and said, "It's time. You need Al-Anon." The fight was gone in me. I was exhausted and I had no answers, so maybe Al-Anon could tell me how to fix this. All of my own efforts to this point had been in vain, so maybe they could help.
As I have stated before, stepping into that meeting that first time was nothing that I expected and everything that I needed. I walked in with the intention of letting the world know how my RAS had wronged me and asking how I could fix him. I walked out knowing that no one had wronged me, and that the only one I could fix was me. Who knew? I didn't even know I needed fixed! Looking back though, I soooooo needed fixed!!!
In that first meeting, in that first hour, maybe the best hour of my life, I learned that I was not alone, I was no crazier than anyone else with an active addict in their life and that while I had no control over my addict, his actions or choices, I had complete control over myself, my actions and my choices. Nothing was going to change or get better in my life until I took control of me, and surrendered everything else to my Higher Power.
Now I know that one excuse a lot of people give about not wanting to join Al-Anon, is because of "the Higher Power," talk. Many don't believe in God or at the very least are on the fence about God, so bringing Him in to all of this is difficult for them. Since God has always been a part of my life, this was not an issue for me, but I did in fact sit around a table with a lot of people, who maybe didn't all believe in God, but they had grasped the idea of a power greater than themselves. They were fully aware that in this battle of facing the addiction of someone they loved, this was way out of their pay grade. They had done everything "they "could, but nothing worked. So yes, they were willing to turn this all over to the Higher Power that made sense to them. Whether it was person or spirit, they knew that there was something greater than they were and they were willing to surrender all of it to Him, because they were at their own rock bottom.
There are no hard and fast rules in Al-Anon except for anonymity, no cross talk, and no political or business affiliations. Meetings and information are based on a "take what you like and leave the rest," policy. In other words, there are Steps, Traditions, Concepts, sponsors, shares and literature and all can be used and worked as part of your individual program, or you can just sit there, listen and share if you like. However, the more you work the program and use all of the above, the quicker things start to change.....for the better.
The first thing I heard at my first meeting, aside from the fact that I was no martyr and the only one I could fix was me, was the First Step. Knowing I was new, I was loaded up with books and literature, which I was grateful for and which I use to this day, but the kindest thing was that someone took me aside and explained the Steps to me and introduced Step #1 to me.
In the building of anything, you need a really good foundation. This is the same with building a new life through the Al-Anon Steps. Each Step builds upon itself, and yet, you don't have to work the Steps in order. If like me though, you need order, and you can't go all willy nilly and start with Step #5, then taking them in order is just fine, as each Step prepares you for the next. There is also no set time to work on a Step, but I usually just know when I think I am ready to move on. There have been times though, that I am wrong and I have gone clear back to Step #1, just to get my baring's again.
So what is this important foundation Step? Just what is Step #1?
Step #1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/addiction-that our lives had become unmanageable.
This Step spoke to me like no other. I had tried everything to fix my addict and our situation and nothing worked. My life was unmanageable to the point that in some ways, I was just as sick as my addict was.
I don't think anyone can come to Al-Anon and not be brought to their knees with the power of those words. This hits home with anyone who has suffered through watching someone they love become an addict and lose huge pieces of who they were. Anyone who has looked at their addict and realized that they no longer even recognize the person that they once knew. And anyone who has lied, manipulated and torn their world upside down and inside out just to protect their addict, all the while, denying that their addict has a problem that they/you can't fix.
That day at the counselors office, when I was in shock over his behaviors, when I had no answers and when the police had to intervene, that counselor knew that I was powerless over this addiction and over my addict. My life was so unmanageable as it played out for the world to see and she knew I needed Al-Anon.
In the almost 3 years since I joined Al-Anon, I have come back to Step #1 many times and it hasn't all been about my RAS's addiction. The funny thing about the Steps is that they come in handy in many situations in life. I have learned that I have zero power over most things in life and that is when I hand it to my Higher Power. I can only control myself, my actions and my reactions and even with them, I still need help from time to time from my Higher Power.
In a way, it is rather freeing to know that I don't have to take the weight of the world on my shoulders. I can't fix people or change them and I am not responsible for the choices they make (good or bad) nor the actions they put forth...again, good or bad. Also, knowing that I have my Higher Power to turn to when things get overwhelming, out of control and unmanageable gives me peace of body, mind and soul.
Step #1 is my go to step when things bother me, when I start thinking that I am my own Higher Power and have more control than I do, or when I start to feel out of control. It pulls me back and gives me clarity of who I am and just what I can control and am responsible for. I am grateful for it every single day.
So this is a little peak into the Steps of Al-Anon. They actually follow pretty closely with the AA/NA steps. They are a light in the darkness of addiction and a bit of sanity in this insane world.
If you have an addict in your life and you are feeling out of your element, powerless or out of control, maybe Al-Anon can help you too. If you need more information about Al-Anon/Nar-Anon or need help finding a meeting near you, please get in touch with me lelam3@sbcglobal.net or leave a message in the comments below.
Until next time. Find a meeting. Work your program. It works if you work it!
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