It appears at this stage of my life, I am always a day late and a dollar short. I spend most days behind, the moment I get out of bed, so it should be no shock that I did not do a timely post and mention of my RAS's two year sobriety day, which occurred on April 13, 2021, but better late than never....here it is.
As a parent, this day was both a miraculous wonder, and reminder that not every addict makes it this far and even when they do, it doesn't mean addiction can never happen again. No, this is not me being Debbie Downer. This in fact is me being Realistic Ruth. That being said, I am so proud of him and all that he has accomplished. In fact, in the process of his recovery, in this last year, he also gave up smoking and vaping. These are all such difficult things to do, and yet he has found the inner strength to do it. His strength truly amazes me.
God can be an interesting fellow, as at times He gently keeps me rooted in reality in mysterious ways, whether I want to be or not. As I was going through my already mixed up emotions about this sobriety date and fluctuating between such relief that I no longer am the mom that has to wonder if my son is cold, safe, sick, dying or dead because of his addiction, and the reality that addiction is always just one bad moment, choice, or thought away from being "active" again, a Facebook picture stopped me in my tracks.
I am part of several Al-Anon/Nar-Anon groups on Facebook, as well as some other groups dealing with addiction. One in particular is "The Addicts Diary." It gives a view into the lives of recovering addicts and their journeys. For the parents, spouses, children and friends of those with addiction, this page/group is immensely helpful and shows that there is always hope, even in the darkest moments of addiction. It was on this page that I saw a picture of a tattoo. It was on someone's hand, and it simply said, "2%". The captioning explained that only 2% of all methamphetamine addicts stay clean for life. Being that my RAS is only two years in and basically a newborn in terms of clean years, and knowing that he has many, many years left of "life" with ups and downs, pain, sorrow and joys, this caught me up quickly. Will he be able to fight through the downs, pain and sorrow, and stay clean, so that he can be around for the ups and joys? Then I remembered, my son is strong, he quit meth, weed, all drugs, alcohol and nicotine. These are some of life's toughest substances. He is strong, he has a program, and he has his Higher Power, so my money is on my son. So just maybe, he will be that 2%. My heart and soul relaxed a bit.
Now the interesting part where God relaxed my heart even further. My RAS, who like his mother, likes tattoos, was discussing tattoos with me a couple of day's ago. I had just gotten another tattoo, so the subject was fresh on our minds when he said, "I have found my next tattoo." Not knowing what band name or video game symbol he was going to blurt out next, he simply said, "I am getting '2%". I almost choked. I could feel tears well up and he asked me if I knew what it meant. I told him that I did. While his taste in tattoo's are certainly not mine, his tattoos each have meaning to him, from childhood memories to things that touch his soul, so I have no doubt, the 2% tattoo will be a lasting reminder to him that being in that 2% is literally the difference between life and death.
Yes, his sobriety at times is a double edged sword for me and it can invoke worry. That is when I know that I need to direct my attention back to myself and let him live his life. Most days though, I am able to remember that no matter how trying the day, I can stop and look at all that I have to be grateful for. In whatever moment I am in, I am blessed. In this moment, I am good. I have no control over tomorrow, but right now, life is just pretty okay. I guess that is why we focus on one day at a time.
On another note, after my last blog here, I had several people reach out to me who have family members that are in active addiction and they asked that I write more on the subject of being the parent of an addict. Most had no idea that I even had a blog about this or a RAS.
It is my belief that as a member of Al-Anon/Nar-Anon, that service to others is my duty and perhaps this blog can be of some service. So I have decided in honor of my RAS's two year anniversary of sobriety and in an effort to give back and be of service, that I am going to try and give this blog a little more attention and to tell more of my story as an addicts mother. This in no way though, is a replacement for finding yourself an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon group, sponsor and working a program. My blog is not to tell you what to do in your life, it simply will be a narration of what I have done, pre Al-Anon and since Al-Anon in my life.
I want you to know too, that I am always here to answer any questions about Al-Anon that I can or simply just to talk, because nothing is more lonely or more scary than loving someone with an addiction and not knowing where to turn as well as feeling like you are the only one going through it. Trust me, you are not. You can always get in touch with me in the comments below or you can email me at lelam3@sbcglobal.net. I check my emails daily.
So for today, in this moment, all is good, I am blessed, and yes.....two years is definitely something to celebrate.
Until next time, find that program and work that program. It works if you work it.
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