It has been awhile. I hope this finds you all healthy and forward looking into the spring. For those of you reading who may have forgotten, from 2014 through the first part of April 2019, I went through every parents nightmare. My son is an addict and through those years, he was in active addiction and my world was a series of upheavals, lies and dramas. It was one of the darkest periods in my life and quite honestly, I didn't know if I would survive.
Jump ahead to April 1, 2021. My son or for ease of acknowledgement and his privacy, my RAS (my recovering addict son) will in just a few days, have been clean for two years. It has gone by so quickly, but not without bumps and bruises and a great deal of learning in the process. So today, I am stepping back and looking forward at my journey thus far.
If you also remember, in 2018, I found Al-Anon/Nar-Anon. Truthfully, I knew of Al-Anon, but I had fought it for years. It wasn't until I hit my own rock bottom as a parent of an addict that I finally relented and went to my first meeting and had I not gone, I don't know whether I would be here writing this today.
So it has been a long time since I have written here and perhaps you maybe thinking that it is because he is clean and all is well in our world. No more addiction. No more Al-Anon. The world is freaking fantastic. Wrong. I have just compartmentalized a lot and the world kept on turning and I put this blog to the back burner. I am here though today to catch you up.
Some facts: When there is an addict or alcoholic in your life, you can quickly become as sick as they are. No, you don't have to drink or use to be sick. There are just simply actions and behaviors as well as a mental status that comes into play that make family and friends of addicts (again, I am going to frequently mention "addicts" because that is what my son is, but this also pertains to alcoholics too, even if I don't mention them as much) extremely sick. Because the addict is such a good manipulator, gaslighter and in many cases abuser, those that love them get caught in the trap of trying to help them, which almost always becomes enabling, and allows the addict to use the love and care those close to them have for them, against them. It becomes a viscous cycle of lies, abuse and worry. And when I say "lies", I don't just mean by the addict. The enabler becomes as good a liar as the addict because they have to fix and cover up for the addict and they have to lie to those on the outside looking in who see what is going on. It is a nightmare you feel you won't wake up from and through it all, as much as you love the addict, you start resenting them and literally hating yourself for what you are allowing. This all grows inside to the point of mental and physical breakdown.
As I have said before, when I went to my first Al-Anon meeting, I went loaded for bear and ready to let the world know that I was a martyr who had put up with all of my addicts abuses and behaviors and I was there to unload and fix him. One hour later, I walked out with a really clear understanding that I was not martyr, Al-Anon was not going to fix him, and that I was the one who needed fixed. He was an adult completely responsible for his own actions and behaviors and he was even allowed them, whether they were destructive or not. The bottom line is I had no control over him or his addiction, I only had control over me and my actions and reactions. If I needed proof of this, all I had to remember is, that if any parent or loved one of an addict had control over the addict or addiction, then there would be no addicts or addiction. It hit home hard.
I was totally not prepared to hear that I was at Al-Anon to fix me, not him. Heck, I didn't even know I needed fixed, but that through fixing me, I might just survive this whole ordeal and maybe even make it better for everyone involved....including my addict son. If you would like to read more about my Al-Anon journey in the early days, please read my previous blog entries.
Funny thing, not unlike the addict who just because they are in recovery, doesn't mean they no longer need AA or NA (Alcoholic Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous), the same goes for us Al-Anon and Nar-Anon people. I am just as much in recovery as my RAS is, I am just recovering from the crazy behaviors and attitudes that addiction brought to my life and truthfully.....my own bad choices. Unfortunately, the attack of COVID made addiction much dicier and much more difficult for those using, those recovering, and family members.
In Al-Anon and AA, much of what saves addicts and family members is the face to face meetings and the knowledge that we can hit a meeting anytime one is available. This last year though, meetings became non-existent with the lockdowns, therefore, there was a period of time that we were left to our own devices. This was truly bad news for the active addicts and because of the isolation and mental stress of COVID, the active addict numbers grew exponentially. Sadly, so did the number of deaths due to drugs and overdoses. It has been a grim time for those of us caught in this life.
Thankfully, zoom AA and Al-Anon meetings have begun popping up all over the place, but most will tell you, they are simply not the same as going to a room filled with those who are kindred spirits in the journey you are on, and being able to for one hour, have that feeling of complete understanding and acceptance. Like everyone else, the last year has been a tough time for me, and I have been grateful for all of my Al-Anon reading and for the Al-Anon/Nar-Anon Facebook pages out there.
So, if you are scratching your head and wondering why if my son is recovering, that I still need to be so closely involved in Al-Anon, it is simple. Sometimes the scariest part of addiction is when your loved one is in recovery.
When my son was using, he had become someone I didn't recognize. Gone was my beautiful son with a beautiful heart and soul. He had been replaced by a face and an attitude, I didn't recognize. He was doing and saying things that I never dreamed him capable of and I genuinely feared that I would never even get a glimpse of my "real" son again. That being said though, I had grown to understand as much as possible, the person he had become and I had no expectations of him or his sobriety. (Expectations are killer and only set us and our addicts up for failure). Once he was clean though, and the drugs began to leave his body and brain, gradually, my beautiful son came back. If possible, he was stronger and kinder than he had been before his addiction, because his life of addiction had taught him a lot of hard earned lessons. He laughed again, talked again and was becoming a really great person. So what's the problem? Expectations and fears. I fought them but I couldn't help but have expectations try to rear their ugly heads every now and then, and then there was the fear that once I had him back, that I might lose him again, and that his need for drugs might outweigh his need for sobriety. It was literally terrifying. He had already had so many relapses over the years, and I prayed daily that this would not be another one. The difference this time though, was that he was working a program and through that, he was gaining tools and relationships that if used, could get him through the rough times.....and yes, there are many rough times for the addict, especially in the beginning.
For me though, I had/sometimes still have, my own little PTSD, where I have nightmares that he is using again. There are places in the city where I almost get physically sick driving through, as they are places I would pick him up or take him to when he was using. I also see all of the relationships that he has worked so hard to repair and the people that love him so, and there are times that I start worrying about things that I shouldn't. This is when I need my meetings most and the reminder that I have no control over his choices (good or bad) and therefore, I have to focus on what I can control and work on, giving myself both physical and mental health with the tools and relationships that Al-Anon provides me. Al-Anon does that for me and for millions more like me, so not having the regular meetings and the long held comfortable relationships can be rather daunting at times. Thank God for all that Al-Anon gave me before the pandemic.
The sun is out today. The weather is warming into spring and God willing, we are about to flatten the COVID curve into nothingness. Perhaps now, I will be able to find my way back into the comfort of my regular meetings and my regular people.
Addiction is a horrid nightmare for all involved. Going it alone can destroy a person, so if you have a friend or loved one who is an addict or alcoholic and you need help, please contact your nearest Al-Anon or Nar-Anon group. The meetings are anonymous and I promise you, go a few times and you will never regret it.
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