Sometimes, the things that scare us the most about a situation, are the unknowns. It is doubly difficult if you aren't in the best head space to begin with. Today, maybe I can give someone who is thinking about going to a Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meeting, some peace of mind by telling you all, a little about what it's like and what you can and cannot expect.
It is easy to get some pretty weird pre-conceived notions about what a meeting is like if you have never been. Often the mere mention of going to a meeting for some, can bring on feelings of being preached at, churchy and forced rules. After all, addiction is tough subject matter, so I guess there is an expectation that a meeting with the focus of addiction might be a little more complicated than it actually is.
Others though, seem to put a wall up when the two "Nons"(Al-Anon and Nar-Anon) are mentioned because in some weird part of their brain, they see a meeting and those in attendance as trying to control them. I guess it makes sense that some might see it this way, because there is nothing that a controlling enabler hates more than someone trying to control them.
Finally, there are those that feel that going to a meeting makes their situation too public and much too real. They are under the impression that they have the power to "fix" their situation and their addict without the help of a bunch of strangers at a meeting. Also, by breaking down and going, they might also actually have to admit that there is a problem which might totally kill their denial buzz.
I can tell you from personal experience, that the reality is that none of these are correct. When you attend a "Non" meeting you are not there to be preached at about God or any other deity, and far from controlling, "Non" meetings are designed to allow you to make the best decisions for you. There is no control involved. And let's face it, if you show up at a "Non" meeting, you already have admitted that you are in over your head with addiction and your addict. You have likely already realized that "fixing" your addict is way above your pay grade.
Feeling any better? The fact is, that a "Non" meeting is likely a meeting like none you have ever attended before.
First of all, don't let the word meeting throw you off. Most of us view meetings as a group of people, in a room or office, where someone is in control and they do most of the talking, while everyone else listens, takes notes and speaks if asked. A "Non" meeting isn't really like that at all.
While "Non" meetings do take place in a space big enough for those involved, that is pretty much where the similarities end. At a "Non" meeting, there is no one in control. In other words, everyone present is a family member or friend of an alcoholic or addict, but no one is above anyone else and no one is in charge or in control of anything. All are there for the same reason and trust me, by the time you have humbled yourself to the point of feeling this out of control, you have no desire to be in control of anything....including a meeting.
At each meeting a leader is asked to volunteer for that meeting and that meeting alone, and when they do, their purpose is to read the opening and the closing and to start and end the meeting. They also collect any money donated at the meeting so that it can be given to the treasurer. *** The treasurer is agreed upon by the group and this person is responsible for depositing donations and purchasing any books or "Non" materials. That is as political or governed as "Non" gets.
As for rules, they are pretty simple too. There are no bosses. No one is in control and no one runs the show. Whoever leads each time is a volunteer and everyone present is usually pretty careful to make sure that everyone gets a turn and takes a turn as leader. Those in attendance at a meeting, have the expectation of anonymity, and pretty much what happens at a meeting, stays at a meeting. Those present do not cross-talk, which means that if someone is talking, others present do not interrupt them, nor do they express their opinion on someone else's "share." A share by the way, is when it is your turn to talk and you say whatever is on your mind or on topic for that meeting.
"Nons" do not affiliate themselves with anything other than AA or NA. They do not affiliate themselves with anything political or any business or corporation. While there is talk of a Higher Power, there is no affiliation with any church or religion and Higher Power can refer to anything you see as bigger than yourself. Finally, and maybe most importantly, "Nons" go on the premise that everyone has an opinion and a story. We "share" to take the weight off ourselves and also, in the hopes that maybe our situation or story, can help someone else. That being said though, while many times we hear things in meetings that are just what we needed to hear, sometimes we hear things that either don't apply to us or that we simply don't agree with. That is why it even says in our closing that "You take what you need and leave the rest."
When you enter a "Non" meeting for the first time, there is usually coffee available and you will enter into a room where others are likely already there. They will ask you your name and someone may even ask you if this is your first meeting. You only give them your first name and let them know that yes...you are a newbie. They will say "Welcome" and "Glad you are here."
The leader will likely already have volunteered for the position and will have the opening ready (the opening is the same at all meetings no matter where you go) and at precisely the starting time, the leader will begin the meeting and read the opening, followed by any announcements or birthdays. Birthdays are not actually biological birthdays, but they are yearly from the date of your first meeting, much like the addict/alcoholic. You will then be invited as a group to recite The Serenity Prayer. This is not a requirement though, by any means. You then will begin going around the table or group, saying your name and have each person read one of the 12 Steps. Books are provided with the steps and usually, the walls have posters of the Steps, Concepts, Traditions and Slogans, so you can read right from the wall if you like. Once this is all out of the way, the leader will then either give the group a prechosen topic or will ask for topic ideas. Once the topic is chosen, this will be the crux of the meeting and either the leader will choose someone to begin sharing or someone will volunteer.
A share can be done in a lot of ways. Many times a new person will decline a share and just say they are there to listen until they get comfortable with everything. Sometimes long time members will choose to pass too. Sometimes members attend, not to talk, but to listen, for the wise person knows that often we get far more from listening than talking. If this is what you choose, then it is absolutely fine. Someone else though, may pick up one of the books provided for the meeting and find the topic in the book and read about it. Another person may have something to share where the topic pertains to something they are going through and finally, someone else may need to share about something that has nothing to do with the topic, but is important for their own recovery. Once the share is complete, the group thanks them for being there and then it moves onto the next person.
I think here is where I will elaborate a little more on the "sharing." I can't speak for anyone else but in my life, whenever I have been faced with something extremely difficult, I always look for someone who has been through it and survived. That is what "Non" meetings are, they are meetings full of those who have been fighting the war of loving someone with an addiction and they are surviving....one day at a time. Their shares, while being therapeutic for them, also tell their stories and give others in the room hope. Those shares tell everyone their that they are not alone and that others have been in their shoes and survived.
Another thing about shares is that often, whatever the topic is, we can relate our current situation to it, whether it is one of the steps, a slogan, or a topic like detachment. On those occasions though, when you have just had a horrible week and need to talk about it and it has nothing to do with the topic at hand, that is perfectly fine too. The only two "rules" for sharing are that, no one is there to fix the addict or alcoholic. We are there for ourselves, to make ourselves, healthy, happy and whole, therefore, we need to keep the focus on ourselves as much as possible. The other thing is, most meetings try to stay at one hour, so you need to read the room and figure out the number of people present and try to keep your share fairly condensed to make sure everyone has a chance to share. On the occasion though that the share need is greater than maybe you think there is time for, it is perfectly okay to go over a bit. We all have those meetings and no one gets upset if the meeting runs a little long because someone needed a little extra time.
Once everyone has had a chance to share, then the leader will do the closing. The closing like the opening is the same wherever you go. At the end, everyone is invited to stand, hold hands and say the Our Father. It is by no means again, a requirement though and at the very end, we remind each other to "Keep coming back. It works if you work it," referring to the program and the meetings. This is usually followed by a lot of hugs which you can participate in or not.
Let me break this down a bit further. Yes, the beginning and end do have prayers, but your vision of God or a Higher Power may not be my vision and vice versa. You look to the Higher Power you are comfortable with. It maybe God, it may be the universe and it may be something totally different. It will however, always be something bigger than yourself.
The Serenity Prayer at the beginning reminds us that there has to be something bigger than we are, or else we wouldn't have the need to be there. After all, if we could fix our addict/alcoholic and the situation ourselves, wouldn't we have already done that? And the final Our Father is definitely born in Christianity, but again, it brings us to the fact that we can't do this alone, and we are admitting we are powerless and need to turn our situation into bigger hands than our own. One more time though, participating in opening and closing prayers are not a requirement to going to a "Non" meeting and no one stands in judgement of you if you choose not to participate.
So what about these Steps? Are you required to do the steps at meetings? No. You are not required to do anything at these meetings and while The Steps are referred to and talked about at meetings, Step work is usually done outside the meetings and on your own time and usually with a sponsor.
A sponsor. What is that and do I have to have one? A sponsor is someone who usually either has been in "Non" for a long time, or has an especially good handle on what the program is about. To get a sponsor, you simply ask someone that you think might be a good fit with you, and if they feel that they are good sponsor material for you, then they will agree to do it and the two of you will figure out a sponsor/sponsee relationship that works for you.
A sponsor will help to guide you through the program, the Steps, and even through your life when you struggle. They can be your best friend or your worst enemy as they will always be dead honest with you and not pull any punches. Trust me, it is what you need if you want to get the most from your program. And....you may go through a few sponsors before you find one that is a good fit, and this is absolutely okay. Do you have to have one? No. Do you need one? Probably, but the beauty of the program is that you can always choose a sponsor when you are ready, but again....not a requirement to be in the program.
A "Non" meeting, will likely be the scariest meeting you ever go to the first time. It will not be because of the meeting itself, it will be because of your preconceived notions about your ability to handle your addict and their addiction and also, you might be leery of just what might go on behind the closed doors of the meeting. Once there though, it will likely be the easiest decision you have ever made, to come back, not to mention the best decision you have ever made. Like anything else, if you go to a meeting and it is not a good fit, then try another. Also, give any "Non" meeting you go to, at least six tries. You deserve to do that for yourself and most people find that after six tries, they are getting something positive out of the meetings that keeps them coming back.
Is Al-Anon and Nar-Anon for everybody? No! It is only for those who are sick and tired of being sick and tired and are powerless over both their addict and the addiction. It is for those that realize that if they had any true control over the situation, that their addict would not be an addict. And finally, it is for those who realize that they are to the point of feeling insane, trying to fix that which is not for them to fix. Until and unless you are one of these people then you are probably right.....the "Nons" are not for you.
Well, maybe this will help someone. Maybe this will ease someone's mind and help them to find a meeting and give their own recovery a try. Trust me, they aren't just words, the program does work. All that is required of you is....to work it!
So if you think one of the "Nons" might be for you, you can look online and find local meetings near you. Since COVID, lots of online meetings and zoom meetings are also out there. If you still can't seem to find one and need help, please don't hesitate to contact me and together maybe we can find a meeting that is just right for you.
Until next time, please know that you are worth it, happiness is an option, and recovery is possible.
***There is no charge to go to a meeting but people usually throw in a dollar or two to help offset the cost of coffee and "Non" reading materials and books.***
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