Making Known the Unknowns of the "Nons"

Sometimes, the things that scare us the most about a situation, are the unknowns. It is doubly difficult if you aren't in the best head space to begin with. Today, maybe I can give someone who is thinking about going to a Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meeting, some peace of mind by telling you all, a little about what it's like and what you can and cannot expect. 

It is easy to get some pretty weird pre-conceived notions about what a meeting is like if you have never been. Often the mere mention of going to a meeting for some, can bring on feelings of being preached at, churchy and forced rules. After all, addiction is tough subject matter, so I guess there is an expectation that a meeting with the focus of addiction might be a little more complicated than it actually is. 

Others though, seem to put a wall up when the two "Nons"(Al-Anon and Nar-Anon) are mentioned because in some weird part of their brain, they see a meeting and those in attendance as trying to control them. I guess it makes sense that some might see it this way, because there is nothing that a controlling enabler hates more than someone trying to control them. 

Finally, there are those that feel that going to a meeting makes their situation too public and much too real. They are under the impression that they have the power to "fix" their situation and their addict without the help of a bunch of strangers at a meeting. Also, by breaking down and going, they might also actually have to admit that there is a problem which might totally kill their denial buzz. 

I can tell you from personal experience, that the reality is that none of these are correct. When you attend a "Non" meeting you are not there to be preached at about God or any other deity, and far from controlling, "Non" meetings are designed to allow you to make the best decisions for you. There is no control involved. And let's face it, if you show up at a "Non" meeting, you already have admitted that you are in over your head with addiction and your addict. You have likely already realized that "fixing" your addict is way above your pay grade. 

Feeling any better? The fact is, that a "Non" meeting is likely a meeting like none you have ever attended before. 

First of all, don't let the word meeting throw you off. Most of us view meetings as a group of people, in a room or office, where someone is in control and they do most of the talking, while everyone else listens, takes notes and speaks if asked. A "Non" meeting isn't really like that at all. 

While "Non" meetings do take place in a space big enough for those involved, that is pretty much where the similarities end. At a "Non" meeting, there is no one in control. In other words, everyone present is a family member or friend of an alcoholic or addict, but no one is above anyone else and no one is in charge or in control of anything. All are there for the same reason and trust me, by the time you have humbled yourself to the point of feeling this out of control, you have no desire to be in control of anything....including a meeting. 

At each meeting a leader is asked to volunteer for that meeting and that meeting alone, and when they do, their purpose is to read the opening and the closing and to start and end the meeting. They also collect any money donated at the meeting so that it can be given to the treasurer. *** The treasurer is agreed upon by the group and this person is responsible for depositing donations and purchasing any books or "Non" materials. That is as political or governed as "Non" gets. 

As for rules, they are pretty simple too. There are no bosses. No one is in control and no one runs the show. Whoever leads each time is a volunteer and everyone present is usually pretty careful to make sure that everyone gets a turn and takes a turn as leader. Those in attendance at a meeting, have the expectation of anonymity, and pretty much what happens at a meeting, stays at a meeting. Those present do not cross-talk, which means that if someone is talking, others present do not interrupt them, nor do they express their opinion on someone else's "share." A share by the way, is when it is your turn to talk and you say whatever is on your mind or on topic for that meeting. 

"Nons" do not affiliate themselves with anything other than AA or NA. They do not affiliate themselves with anything political or any business or corporation. While there is talk of a Higher Power, there is no affiliation with any church or religion and Higher Power can refer to anything you see as bigger than yourself. Finally, and maybe most importantly, "Nons" go on the premise that everyone has an opinion and a story. We  "share" to take the weight off ourselves and also, in the hopes that maybe our situation or story, can help someone else. That being said though, while many times we hear things in meetings that are just what we needed to hear, sometimes we hear things that either don't apply to us or that we simply don't agree with. That is why it even says in our closing that "You take what you need and leave the rest." 

When you enter a "Non" meeting for the first time, there is usually coffee available and you will enter into a room where others are likely already there. They will ask you your name and someone may even ask you if this is your first meeting. You only give them your first name and let them know that yes...you are a newbie. They will say "Welcome" and "Glad you are here." 

The leader will likely already have volunteered for the position and will have the opening ready (the opening is the same at all meetings no matter where you go) and at precisely the starting time, the leader will begin the meeting and read the opening, followed by any announcements or birthdays. Birthdays are not actually biological birthdays, but they are yearly from the date of your first meeting, much like the addict/alcoholic. You will then be invited as a group to recite The Serenity Prayer. This is not a requirement though, by any means. You then will begin going around the table or group, saying your name and have each person read one of the 12 Steps. Books are provided with the steps and usually, the walls have posters of the Steps, Concepts, Traditions and Slogans, so you can read right from the wall if you like. Once this is all out of the way, the leader will then either give the group a prechosen topic or will ask for topic ideas. Once the topic is chosen, this will be the crux of the meeting and either the leader will choose someone to begin sharing or someone will volunteer. 

A share can be done in a lot of ways. Many times a new person will decline a share and just say they are there to listen until they get comfortable with everything. Sometimes long time members will choose to pass too. Sometimes members attend, not to talk, but to listen, for the wise person knows that often we get far more from listening than talking. If this is what you choose, then it is absolutely fine. Someone else though, may pick up one of the books provided for the meeting and find the topic in the book and read about it. Another person may have something to share where the topic pertains to something they are going through and finally, someone else may need to share about something that has nothing to do with the topic, but is important for their own recovery. Once the share is complete, the group thanks them for being there and then it moves onto the next person. 

I think here is where I will elaborate a little more on the "sharing." I can't speak for anyone else but in my life, whenever I have been faced with something extremely difficult, I always look for someone who has been through it and survived. That is what "Non" meetings are, they are meetings full of those who have been fighting the war of loving someone with an addiction and they are surviving....one day at a time. Their shares, while being therapeutic for them, also tell their stories and give others in the room hope. Those shares tell everyone their that they are not alone and that others have been in their shoes and survived. 

Another thing about shares is that often, whatever the topic is, we can relate our current situation to it, whether it is one of the steps, a slogan, or a topic like detachment. On those occasions though, when you have just had a horrible week and need to talk about it and it has nothing to do with the topic at hand, that is perfectly fine too. The only two "rules" for sharing are that, no one is there to fix the addict or alcoholic. We are there for ourselves, to make ourselves, healthy, happy and whole, therefore, we need to keep the focus on ourselves as much as possible. The other thing is, most meetings try to stay at one hour, so you need to read the room and figure out the number of people present and try to keep your share fairly condensed to make sure everyone has a chance to share. On the occasion though that the share need is greater than maybe you think there is time for, it is perfectly okay to go over a bit. We all have those meetings and no one gets upset if the meeting runs a little long because someone needed a little extra time. 

Once everyone has had a chance to share, then the leader will do the closing. The closing like the opening is the same wherever you go. At the end, everyone is invited to stand, hold hands and say the Our Father. It is by no means again, a requirement though and at the very end, we remind each other to "Keep coming back. It works if you work it," referring to the program and the meetings. This is usually followed by a lot of hugs which you can participate in or not. 

Let me break this down a bit further. Yes, the beginning and end do have prayers, but your vision of God or a Higher Power may not be my vision and vice versa. You look to the Higher Power you are comfortable with. It maybe God, it may be the universe and it may be something totally different. It will however, always be something bigger than yourself. 

The Serenity Prayer at the beginning reminds us that there has to be something bigger than we are, or else we wouldn't have the need to be there. After all, if we could fix our addict/alcoholic and the situation ourselves, wouldn't we have already done that? And the final Our Father is definitely born in Christianity, but again, it brings us to the fact that we can't do this alone, and we are admitting we are powerless and need to turn our situation into bigger hands than our own. One more time though, participating in opening and closing prayers are not a requirement to going to a "Non" meeting and no one stands in judgement of you if you choose not to participate.

So what about these Steps? Are you required to do the steps at meetings? No. You are not required to do anything at these meetings and while The Steps are referred to and talked about at meetings, Step work is usually done outside the meetings and on your own time and usually with a sponsor.

A sponsor. What is that and do I have to have one? A sponsor is someone who usually either has been  in "Non" for a long time, or has an especially good handle on what the program is about. To get a sponsor, you simply ask someone that you think might be a good fit with you, and if they feel that they are good sponsor material for you, then they will agree to do it and the two of you will figure out a sponsor/sponsee relationship that works for you. 

A sponsor will help to guide you through the program, the Steps,  and even through your life when you struggle. They can be your best friend or your worst enemy as they will always be dead honest with you and not pull any punches. Trust me, it is what you need if you want to get the most from your program. And....you may go through a few sponsors before you find one that is a good fit, and this is absolutely okay. Do you have to have one? No. Do you need one? Probably, but the beauty of the program is that you can always choose a sponsor when you are ready, but again....not a requirement to be in the program.

A "Non" meeting, will likely be the scariest meeting you ever go to the first time. It will not be because of the meeting itself, it will be because of your preconceived notions about your ability to handle your addict and their addiction and also, you might be leery of just what might go on behind the closed doors of the meeting. Once there though, it will likely be the easiest decision you have ever made, to come back, not to mention the best decision you have ever made. Like anything else, if you go to a meeting and it is not a good fit, then try another. Also, give any "Non" meeting you go to, at least six tries. You deserve to do that for yourself and most people find that after six tries, they are getting something positive out of the meetings that keeps them coming back. 

Is Al-Anon and Nar-Anon for everybody? No! It is only for those who are sick and tired of being sick and tired and are powerless over both their addict and the addiction. It is for those that realize that if they had any true control over the situation, that their addict would not be an addict. And finally, it is for those who realize that they are to the point of feeling insane, trying to fix that which is not for them to fix. Until and unless you are one of these people then you are probably right.....the "Nons" are not for you.   

Well, maybe this will help someone. Maybe this will ease someone's mind and help them to find a meeting and give their own recovery a try. Trust me, they aren't just words, the program does work. All that is required of you is....to work it!

So if you think one of the "Nons" might be for you, you can look online and find local meetings near you. Since COVID, lots of online meetings and zoom meetings are also out there. If you still can't seem to find one and need help, please don't hesitate to contact me and together maybe we can find a meeting that is just right for you. 

Until next time, please know that you are worth it, happiness is an option, and recovery is possible. 

***There is no charge to go to a meeting but people usually throw in a dollar or two to help offset the cost of coffee and "Non" reading materials and books.***

Stepping Back and Looking Forward With My Al-Anon/Nar-Anon Journey

 It has been awhile. I hope this finds you all healthy and forward looking into the spring. For those of you reading who may have forgotten, from 2014 through the first part of April 2019, I went through every parents nightmare. My son is an addict and through those years, he was in active addiction and my world was a series of upheavals, lies and dramas. It was one of the darkest periods in my life and quite honestly, I didn't know if I would survive. 

Jump ahead to April 1, 2021. My son or for ease of acknowledgement and his privacy, my RAS (my recovering addict son) will in just a few days, have been clean for two years. It has gone by so quickly, but not without bumps and bruises and a great deal of learning in the process. So today, I am stepping back and looking forward at my journey thus far. 

If you also remember, in 2018, I found Al-Anon/Nar-Anon. Truthfully, I knew of Al-Anon, but I had fought it for years. It wasn't until I hit my own rock bottom as a parent of an addict that I finally relented and went to my first meeting and had I not gone, I don't know whether I would be here writing this today. 

So it has been a long time since I have written here and perhaps you maybe thinking that it is because he is clean and all is well in our world. No more addiction. No more Al-Anon. The world is freaking fantastic. Wrong. I have just compartmentalized a lot and the world kept on turning and I put this blog to the back burner. I am here though today to catch you up. 

Some facts: When there is an addict or alcoholic in your life, you can quickly become as sick as they are. No, you don't have to drink or use to be sick. There are just simply actions and behaviors as well as a mental status that comes into play that make family and friends of addicts (again, I am going to frequently mention "addicts" because that is what my son is, but this also pertains to alcoholics too, even if I don't mention them as much) extremely sick. Because the addict is such a good manipulator, gaslighter and in many cases abuser, those that love them get caught in the trap of trying to help them, which almost always becomes enabling, and allows the addict to use the love and care those close to them have for them, against them. It becomes a viscous cycle of lies, abuse and worry. And when I say "lies", I don't just mean by the addict. The enabler becomes as good a liar as the addict because they have to fix and cover up for the addict and they have to lie to those on the outside looking in who see what is going on. It is a nightmare you feel you won't wake up from and through it all, as much as you love the addict, you start resenting them and literally hating yourself for what you are allowing. This all grows inside to the point of mental and physical breakdown. 

As I have said before, when I went to my first Al-Anon meeting, I went loaded for bear and ready to let the world know that I was a martyr who had put up with all of my addicts abuses and behaviors and I was there to unload and fix him. One hour later, I walked out with a really clear understanding that I was not martyr,  Al-Anon was not going to fix him, and that I was the one who needed fixed. He was an adult completely responsible for his own actions and behaviors and he was even allowed them, whether they were destructive or not. The bottom line is I had no control over him or his addiction, I only had control over me and my actions and reactions. If I needed proof of this, all I had to remember is, that if any parent or loved one of an addict had control over the addict or addiction, then there would be no addicts or addiction. It hit home hard. 

I was totally not prepared to hear that I was at Al-Anon to fix me, not him. Heck, I didn't even know I needed fixed, but that through fixing me, I might just survive this whole ordeal and maybe even make it better for everyone involved....including my addict son. If you would like to read more about my Al-Anon journey in the early days, please read my previous blog entries.

Funny thing, not unlike the addict who just because they are in recovery, doesn't mean they no longer need AA or NA (Alcoholic Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous), the same goes for us Al-Anon and Nar-Anon people. I am just as much in recovery as my RAS is, I am just recovering from the crazy behaviors and attitudes that addiction brought to my life and truthfully.....my own bad choices. Unfortunately, the attack of COVID made addiction much dicier and much more difficult for those using, those recovering, and family members.

In Al-Anon and AA, much of what saves addicts and family members is the face to face meetings and the knowledge that we can hit a meeting anytime one is available. This last year though, meetings became non-existent with the lockdowns, therefore, there was a period of time that we were left to our own devices. This was truly bad news for the active addicts and because of the isolation and mental stress of COVID, the active addict numbers grew exponentially. Sadly, so did the number of deaths due to drugs and overdoses. It has been a grim time for those of us caught in this life. 

Thankfully, zoom AA and Al-Anon meetings have begun popping up all over the place, but most will tell you, they are simply not the same as going to a room filled with those who are kindred spirits in the journey you are on, and being able to for one hour, have that feeling of complete understanding and acceptance. Like everyone else, the last year has been a tough time for me, and I have been grateful for all of my Al-Anon reading and for the Al-Anon/Nar-Anon Facebook pages out there. 

So, if you are scratching your head and wondering why if my son is recovering, that I still need to be so closely involved in Al-Anon, it is simple. Sometimes the scariest part of addiction is when your loved one is in recovery. 

When my son was using, he had become someone I didn't recognize. Gone was my beautiful son with a beautiful heart and soul. He had been replaced by a face and an attitude, I didn't recognize. He was doing and saying things that I never dreamed him capable of and I genuinely feared that I would never even get a glimpse of my "real" son again. That being said though, I had grown to understand as much as possible, the person he had become and I had no expectations of him or his sobriety. (Expectations are killer and only set us and our addicts up for failure).  Once he was clean though, and the drugs began to leave his body and brain, gradually, my beautiful son came back. If possible, he was stronger and kinder than he had been before his addiction, because his life of addiction had taught him a lot of hard earned lessons. He laughed again, talked again and was becoming a really great person. So what's the problem? Expectations and fears. I fought them but I couldn't help but have expectations try to rear their ugly heads every now and then,  and then there was the fear that once I had him back, that I might lose him again, and that his need for drugs might outweigh his need for sobriety. It was literally terrifying. He had already had so many relapses over the years, and I prayed daily that this would not be another one. The difference this time though, was that he was working a program and through that, he was gaining tools and relationships that if used, could get him through the rough times.....and yes, there are many rough times for the addict, especially in the beginning. 

For me though, I had/sometimes still have, my own little PTSD, where I have nightmares that he is using again. There are places in the city where I almost get physically sick driving through, as they are places I would pick him up or take him to when he was using. I also see all of the relationships that he has worked so hard to repair and the people that love him so, and there are times that I start worrying about things that I shouldn't. This is when I need my meetings most and the reminder that I have no control over his choices (good or bad) and therefore, I have to focus on what I can control and work on, giving myself both physical and mental health with the tools and relationships that Al-Anon provides me. Al-Anon does that for me and for millions more like me, so not having the regular meetings and the long held comfortable relationships can be rather daunting at times. Thank God for all that Al-Anon gave me before the pandemic.

The sun is out today. The weather is warming into spring and God willing, we are about to flatten the COVID curve into nothingness. Perhaps now, I will be able to find my way back into the comfort of my regular meetings and my regular people. 

Addiction is a horrid nightmare for all involved. Going it alone can destroy a person, so if you have a friend or loved one who is an addict or alcoholic and you need help, please contact your nearest Al-Anon or Nar-Anon group. The meetings are anonymous and I promise you, go a few times and you will never regret it. 

Why Al-Anon?

I am a huge proponent of Al-Anon because it has made such a difference in my life. I live the program and my own recovery everyday and because of this, people want to know more.

Alcoholism and addiction are running rampant in our country and in 2017 it was believed that over 49 million people had an addiction to alcohol and over 65 million had and addiction to some form of street or prescription drugs. These numbers even overlapped in many cases as there were a great number of dual addicts out there too. This means that for every alcoholic and/or addict, there is at least one (and usually several more than that) family members or close friends dealing with that addict/alcoholic. Their lives are quickly becoming out of control, unmanageable and bordering on the brink of dangerous and even life threatening. They need to know that there is help out there for them. Al-Anon is that help.

This blog is a list of the most asked questions asked about Al-Anon and their answers. If after you read this, you would like to know more, please comment in the comment section after the blog or call the numbers at the bottom of the page.

                                                               Al-Anon Q&A

What is Al-Anon? By definition, it is a mutual support group that helps family and friends of problem drinkers better known as alcoholics. In its early stages, families and a few friends of alcoholics were pretty much the only ones in attendance at these meetings. As the world of addictive behaviors grew, Al-Anon opened themselves up to families and friends of other forms of addictions also. Each addiction whether it is drugs, sex, gambling and so on all have addiction specific groups available, but often depending where you live, these addiction specific groups are not always available. Because the groups steps and traditions are pretty much the same across the board, Al-Anon meetings can be for the family and friends of pretty much any addiction.

So who's in charge? No one and everyone are in charge. Al-Anon is unique in the fact that money, social standing, job status, or any other usual hierarchy have no affect on leadership. It is an anonymous group of people from all walks of life with the same goal.....to regain their sanity and their life after their addict or alcoholic has imploded it. With this common need and goal, every individual in the group is equal in power. Each member takes turns leading meetings and any business having to do with that particular group is decided equally among the group. I know of no other group that handles business in this way.

Why don't I hear about Al-Anon? While Al-Anon usually has meetings posted via flyer in churches, city buildings, counseling offices and other community places, there is no mainstream media blitzes on it. You can usually find a meeting if you look online for your city and state with an accompanying address and phone number and many learn about Al-Anon by word of mouth, but there are few commercials out there and very little press on it. Al-Anon basically flies under the radar because it is an anonymous group and media attention would hurt the anonymity. Also Al-Anon doesn't align itself with political, religious or any other groups of any kind (other than AA).

What happens at an Al-Anon meeting? People that attend their first Al-Anon meeting might be very surprised when walking through those doors the first time. The other members are always kind and welcoming. You will be asked your first name, but unless you choose to, you don't have to do another thing but listen. The meetings usually run an hour long and they are conducted by a member reading the opening at the beginning and the closing at the end. There is also usually recital of the 12 steps and sometimes one or all of the Traditions, the Serenity prayer at the beginning and the Our Father at the end. In between the opening and the ending, a topic for that meeting is picked and those in attendance share either on that topic or if they need to share about something else....that is perfectly okay too. No one over talks, interrupts, nor comments on what you share about. While people usually share at these meetings, most find that they get more from listening to others than they do speaking.

Is this a religious group? No. While the 12 Steps are based on a Higher Power, it is up to each individual to decide who or what their Higher Power is. Some find that the group in general is their Higher Power, some find it in the program and some of course find their Higher Power to be God. Al-Anon is also affiliated with no religion or religious sect and there is no talk of religion during the meetings.

So what can Al-Anon do for me? Al-Anon will give to you as much as you put into it. In other words, if you are to the point in your life with your alcoholic or addict that you find yourself powerless over your addict and his/her choices and you feel like your world has been turned upside down and made to feel a bit insane and you want this all to change, working the Al-Anon program will turn all of this around. Al-Anon does not try to fix the alcoholic or addict, because they can't. No one can. What Al-Anon can do though is to teach you to focus on you. It will give you tools that will help when you are living with, communicating with or just dealing with your addict. Al-Anon helps to calm the frantic waters of worry and stress and also helps to curb our need to fix and control our addict. You will learn very quickly that you have no control over anyone but you....not even your addict. You will also learn the three C's: "I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it." In a very short time you will be seeing your situation, and even your addict through much different eyes and before you know it, you will actually find some peace and serenity whether your addict/alcoholic chooses to get clean and sober or not. You also find people willing to listen whether at the meeting or outside the meeting as a list of phone numbers for times of need are given out.

Are there online Al-Anon groups? There are online Al-Anon groups and I would encourage you to supplement your recovery with them BUT, if possible, I would highly suggest finding a local meeting and to go as often as you can, along with reading Al-Anon approved literature.

Is there a national Al-Anon number that I can call for local meetings and more information? Yes.
Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters            1-800-356-9996
Al-Anon National Hotline                              1-800-342-2437

So here you have it. Some of the most asked questions about Al-Anon.

Please if you or someone you know has a close friend or family member dealing with an alcoholic or addict and they need help, please point them in the direction of Al-Anon. There are meetings going on 24/7 nationally and internationally. Al-Anon works if you work it and you are worth it!

Until next time.......