Sometimes, when we have an addict in our world, it is actually not the addict that is the hardest person to deal with. Often, there are family members or friends who are much more difficult than the addict themselves. This usually springs from the fact that those difficult family members and friends don't actually live in the home with the addict and they don't see just who the addict really is while in active addiction. Unless you are faced with addiction and an addict up close and personally, people just don't have an understanding of what you might be going through. Because of this, there can be a great deal of struggle, misinformation and denial going on with them, and that can get thrown right back on you.
The truth is, that it isn't always the family members and friends fault. If your addict was a really good person pre-addiction, and that is the only version they know of the addict, then they are going to have no idea that this person has turned into one of the worlds best liars and manipulators, and they will not be able to reconcile the person they think they know to the person they are now dealing with. They will also not see that this addict can read a room like no other and will know who they can manipulate and who they can't. So they will not see it coming when the addict puts on a good face to get anything from money to a ride or anything else they think they might want or need in the moment. Yep, if you don't know addiction or addictive behavior, then you can't possibly prepare yourself for what is to come.
I have heard so many people talking about along with dealing with their addict, also having to deal with other family members. It is frustrating when those outside your addiction bubble aren't privy to the anger, the name calling, the mood swings, the lying, the stealing and the disrespect for anyone and everyone. All those outside the bubble see is what the addict wants them to see and because the addict can be a charming yet narcissistic creature, those family and friends on the outside will believe them above you a good percent of the time. And because they are not part of the active addiction, they have no understanding of your need for boundaries or detachment, thus, you are seen as too judgmental, too insensitive, too mean or just flat out a liar, while the addict comes out smelling like a rose.
The worst situations though, can arise when you try to tell family and friends not to give the addict money and in some cases, to not even let the addict into their homes......and yet they ignore you and do it anyway. The addict has them so thoroughly convinced that you are crazy, delusional or just out to get them, so ultimately those on the outside have no idea they are being enablers, but instead see themselves as knights in shining armor, helping the poor addict, because you refuse to. It is frustrating, infuriating, and in the end, you always end up looking like a mean and uncaring monster, just because you have boundaries and are willing to stick to them.
So what do we do about these friends and family who refuse to see the truth and insist on seeing us as the bad guy and the addict as a victim? The answer is simple. You do nothing and let them figure it out for themselves. I learned the hard way, that if you tell someone once what the situation is and warn them to protect their money, their possessions, their residence and their hearts from the addict and they don't listen, then telling them a second time or a twenty-second time will not make them any more willing to listen or hear you. Often, them finding out the hard way after they have been used, stolen from and ultimately hurt over the situation is they only way they end up seeing the truth.
In the beginning, when my son was just starting down the path to active addiction, and long before I found Al-Anon, I still knew something wasn't right. I wasn't exactly sure what was going on, but I saw how fast money was going through his hands with nothing to show for it, how his behaviors were changing day by day for the worse, and I saw the rough crowd he was starting to hang with. Even just knowing all of this and yet really knowing nothing, I knew that giving him money was a horrid mistake. Luckily, I had none to give him, but at some point, I started thinking about those in my world who might. Little did I know though, he had already been spreading the word how awful I was, how unfair I was, and how I was just plain crazy, and sadly, more people than I would like to admit, believed him. So when I started telling people that something was going on with him and not to give him money for any reason, there were those that saw me as the villain and him as the victim. Again, luckily, there were not that many in our world that had the money to give, so regardless of what some thought of me, they didn't have the means to hand him money or "help" him out. Unfortunately however, there was one who did.....my dad.
My dad at the time, was your typical senior man who had invested well, saved well and had prepared well for retirement. What he didn't do well, was listen to others. He and I didn't have the best of relationships to begin with, although, funny thing, his feelings for me didn't carry over to his grandkids. He was crazy about them.......at least until they made him mad or disappointed him. At this time, my addict had yet to do either. My son knew full well though, that staying on his grandfathers good side was imperative in order to get a steady stream of money and what better way to do that, then to keep my dad and I at odds. I told my dad many a time not to give my son money, and each time he did it anyway, often telling him not to tell me. I even broke down crying to my dad and begging him not to give my son anymore money because he was an addict, and my dad flat out told me that I was being ridiculous and that I was just jealous of the relationship between him and my son. It was so frustrating and at the time, a little hurtful too.
It wasn't until much later that I learned just how much money he had given my addicted son, and by this time, everyone knew my sons situation. Rather though, than admit that he hadn't listened to me and had given my son all of this money despite what I had told him, he instead told others that I had simply taken the money from him, and put the blame squarely on me. Again....hurtful, but not surprising.
Later on, as I joined Al-Anon and learned the tools needed for loving an addict, I also learned that I had no control over what others did or thought, addict or not. I realized that my constantly telling others that my son was an addict and not to be trusted, really helped no one, especially if they already had their minds made up. I learned while standing back and watching, that eventually, my sons own actions would be his undoing where these people were concerned and at some point, they would and did see the truth, even if like my dad, they had to learn the hard way.
As time went on, and my son fell further into his addiction, those whom he had tried to keep up a good front with, soon became expendable in his life and not worth his time or effort, if money, a place to stay or rides weren't involved, since the end game was to keep the addiction and the addict lifestyle going. What is truly sad though, is that some of those people who refused to believe what he was doing until he himself showed them, now forever view him as that person. It is sad too, because my son the recovering addict is really a pretty awesome person. Maybe one day they will find this out.
I guess the bottom line is, if you have an addict in your life and you have family and friends causing more of a struggle in your life than even your addict is, my suggestion to you is as always, go to meetings and put the focus on you. Gain the tools you need at those meetings, but don't try to tell others what they refuse to hear. You can only take care of you. In the end, they will likely have to learn the hard way and yes, that can make your addict collateral damage, by them giving him money or enabling him, but your addict and his/her enablers are entitled to make their own choices, even if they are bad ones.
Also remember, if your family members and friends get too toxic in your life, detaching and boundaries are not just good to help the situation with your addict. Sometimes a few good boundaries and a little detaching from other individuals in your life will also help more than you can know.
Traditionally, other family members and friends can be considered a great support system, unfortunately though, because addiction is what it is, this is not always the case when you are dealing with an addict. Sometimes, in order to survive, you have to detach from those on the outside and keep your boundaries strong and tight even from the most well intentioned people, in order to keep your own peace and your own sanity.
So if you or someone you know is dealing with an addict and feels powerless over the addiction and the addict, then find an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting near you. If you can't find a meeting on your own, please contact me and together we will find you one so that you never have to feel powerless again.
Until next time, share a smile, find a meeting and most of all remember......it works if you work it.
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