It's Just Weed

Weed. Is it addictive? It is the question of the day on some of the NarAnon facebook pages.  In my humble opinion, yes it is. This is not an assumption or simply an opinion. It is an actual observance of a lot of different people over the years. I have seen it in my own home with my own kids. Now I know there are many out there who are hitting their bong as they read this and laughing at my ridiculousness as they gasp and choke out that last hit. The funny thing is, if they have a bong.....you can bet trying to take that bong away from them for any period of time would likely result in a fight.

I was told by someone that they were not "addicted" but simply "dependent" on the weed.  I hated to have to tell them that addiction and dependency were the exact same thing. They laughed in my face as they hit the bong again. The ridiculousness of it all made me sad. Denial is a powerful thing.

My stance on weed is this, I do believe in the studies that show that cannabis can cure cancer, seizures and help with pain. I also believe that smoking weed does less harm to your body than drinking alcohol. But....that is kind of like saying that taking Oxy is less harmful than shooting up heroin. In other words its like telling someone that poison is bad for you, but go ahead and pick the least bad poison. So yes, I believe that cannabis can have some positive and life saving properties, however sitting on your couch unmotivated, taking hit after hit off your bong is neither positive nor life saving. Long term usage can also have long term affects such as the breakdown of healthy cells in your body, damage to brain cells and short term memory loss. So why mess with anything that changes your brain chemistry or hurts your brain at all? Regulated cannabis with the hallucinogenic properties removed for the purpose of ridding someone of seizures or cancer is one thing. Recreational weed is completely different.

As a parent and even a friend, I have seen people who were highly motivated individuals turn into barely functioning and completely unmotivated couch potatoes. I have seen people who were healthy and active become overweight and completely inactive because weed took over their lives. Throw in the fact that it is illegal in many states and good luck finding a job or keeping a job. I have known several with really great jobs who happened to have a drug test popped on them and they were walked out that very day. So much for weed not affecting their lives.

Realistically, weed doesn't affect people like opiods, meth, heroin and alcohol, but it does impair the brain, slows the reflexes and can cause both a mental as well as a physical addiction. Also, coming off of weed does not carry the horrid side effects of coming off drugs like meth or alcohol, but there is a craving and it takes a bit of work to get completely clean. It also stays in your system longer than other drugs as it stores in your fat cells which you often have more of with long term weed use. Passing a drug test "legally" can be a little more challenging.

I have long heard that weed is a "gateway" drug. My previous understanding of "gateway" was that once you used weed and found yourself dependent on it, eventually it wouldn't be enough of a "high" for you and you would move on to more potent drugs. While I still believe that for some this is the case, my understanding of "gateway" since watching my son and several of his friends go down this path, is much different.

A good percentage of addicts do start out with weed and there are two kinds of weed users. The first kind are the kind who go to a party, hang with friends and on occasions will take a hit just to kick back and have fun. This type of weed smoker hardly ever buys it for themselves and eventually grows tired of both weed and the people who actively use it daily and either never uses it again or very rarely uses throughout the rest of their lives. These people usually have higher self-esteem are motivated and have been taught to face life head on.

The second kind is the kind who have always felt like a fish out of water. Perhaps they have been bullied or see themselves as less than others. By smoking weed, they feel they have elevated their social status and feel more accepted in social circles...... and big bonus, every time they use, they feel better about life. These are the ones who tend to get caught up in the using of weed as an escape. When using, the world is as they want it to be. When they aren't, they become overwhelmed, anxious and in a lot of cases unable to try and take life on unmedicated.

The gateway part of it has much more to do with the people on the fringe who are watching these would-be potheads. I am referring to dealers and those who see these beautiful, scared and insecure souls as money in their pocket. These unwitting kids are a type and there are many shady people who will get these kids hooked and use them as mules, runners and fall guys for drug deals and other illicit business dealings, keeping them in drugs and keeping them hooked with the belief that there is no way out. To me, this is the real danger and the true gateway of getting involved with weed. It is the culture of drugs, starting with weed and working it's way into full blown addiction with the likes of meth, heroin and pills. I have seen it with my own eyes and it is scary as hell. Don't tell me that weed is not a gateway drug! 

So yes, in my opinion weed is a drug that if not addictive in itself, can be the pathway for many more deadly drugs and a life of addiction and pain. Of course not everyone who uses weed becomes addicted, just like not everyone who uses meth, heroin, cocaine or drinks becomes addicted. However, enough have that it is viewed as illegal in many states and because of its brain altering affects is viewed as one of the top 10 drugs that people go to rehab for.

My final thoughts....if you have used pot or any drug for that matter, and walked away with no desire to use again, count yourself lucky. That is your story, but just because it is your story doesn't mean that it is everyone's. For every five that walks away, there is at least one who gets caught up and falls into addiction....and for every 10 that fall into addiction, at least one does not make it out alive. So while this may not be your story, this is my story. I watched my son fall down the rabbit hole with just weed and before any of us knew it, he was shooting up meth and handing his life over to addiction. As a mom and grandma, I will never look at it as just weed again....and.....this is why I am no fan of weed.

Until next time......

For Today.....I am Grateful

Yesterday was a good day. I had lunch with my son (my Christmas gift to him) and I was happy to see him looking well. He is off the streets and working on his sobriety and his life. He said it has been six weeks since he last used.

As a mom, I was so glad to see his eyes clear and his conversation coherent. He told me that he knew his brain had a ways to go to be recovered from his years of use, but everyday he felt more "normal." He even said that he was starting to do "normal" things like watching the news and watching TV in general. As an addict, he never had the attention span nor the desire to watch TV. He was always too busy wheeling and dealing and chasing that next high.

For the first time in a very long time, my son talked of gratitude. He talked about how grateful he was to have a bed and blankets at night. He had spent close to a year on the streets and beds and blankets were few and far between in that life. Gratitude for the small things.....it's a start.

I could tell by his conversation and his actions and attitude that it had definitely been a while since he last used, and I too found much to be grateful for. As the mother of an addict though, the reality of his addiction is never too far from my mind and I am painfully aware that he is just one hit or one injection away from another relapse. Even if this time he stays clean, he will be fighting a lifelong battle with a demon that is just laying in wait to take him down again if he is feeling weak, bad, too good or just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's the reality that both he and I have to live with for the rest of our days.

Al-Anon has taught me to be grateful for the moment. I am grateful in this moment, as yesterday I got a glimpse of the funny, smart and loving young man I raised. His smile was real and his presence was easy. He wasn't trying to hide anything....in that moment....and that moment was all that mattered.

Of course I hope and pray like crazy that this time my son is stronger than his addiction. I pray that he goes to meetings and not only stays sober, but learns why he started using in the beginning and how to stay away from those things that trigger him.

By getting clean, my son has had to turn his back on the only life he has known for the last few years. It was full of people, places and things that fed his addiction and kept him weak. Until recently, even living on the streets, he has had the attitude of "better the devil you know." To turn his back on what he knew and move himself into the scary unknown of sobriety, I give him huge props. I am so unbelievably proud of him.

It sucks as a parent, to have a child who has made such an accomplishment as six weeks sober, and yet not feel completely able to rejoice, but then that is my failing, not his. So for today.....I am happy and oh so grateful to see my beautiful son fighting and winning at sobriety. What he does tomorrow and in all the days to come is between him and God, but for today.....I am grateful. 

Liar! Liar!

What most of us don't realize as we step inside a Al-Anon meeting for the first time is that we are already in the process of working our 1st of the Twelve Steps of Al-Anon. We admit that we are powerless over alcohol/addiction-that our lives had become unmanageable. Truly, that is why most of us show up that first time. If the exact words of step #1 had not already formed in our head, at the very least as a family member or friend of an alcoholic/addict, we were at our wits end and life had become out of control and unmanageable and we had no place to go but up. I know that was certainly the case for me. I also literally was desperate to know that there was possibly a light at the end of the tunnel and the only way I would be convinced of this was to be around and talk to other people who had traveled this road I was on and who more importantly....... had survived it. 

I learned very quickly that my son might be an addict, but in my own way, I was just as sick and messed up as he was. Learning that I was a controlling, enabling mom who manipulated, plotted, planned and lied my way through my addicts bad behavior was quite a shocker to me. It also helped to put into perspective how my life had become so unmanageable. It wasn't all on him. It made me take the focus off his bad behaviors and put it squarely on my own. Another shocking fact to me was that some of the behaviors I despised most in him, he  had apparently come by rightly. One of the most striking was the lying.

If you had asked me before I started going to Al-Anon if I was an honest person, I would have looked you straight in the eye and told you that "Yes, I'm definitely an honest person." Sadly I would also have honestly believed I was telling the truth, all the while, lying through my teeth. The fact was that I had become just as proficient a liar as my addict was. I lied for him and about him to literally everyone. I guess because I felt that my motives were pure (protecting my addicts reputation, image and in some cases relationships) and because of this, they were "acceptable" lies. Nope....no such thing. This was just a way that I mentally manipulated myself into being okay with the person that I was becoming.....a liar. 

Then came the day that I was sitting in an Al-Anon meeting and listening to some innocuous share, when suddenly I sat up straight and realized what a liar I had become. I despised being lied to and by extension, I hated liars. It was so disheartening to realize that I had become that which I hated most. I was soon to learn though to be gentle with myself and not to be too self-deprecating as lying is just one of the many tricks in the bag of an enabling mom...or any enabler for that matter. Because I was so good at "fixing" everything for my addict, this meant doing whatever it took to keep the world from knowing what was really going on behind closed doors and protecting him from the consequences of his bad behaviors. So I lied.

Lying can weigh extremely heavy on a person. It did on me. The more lies I told, the more lies I felt I needed to tell. It is exhausting when lying becomes your life. I was lying to family members and to friends. Every lie centered around my addict but they began to take on a life of their own and become detrimental to my own soul. I hated lying and more and more the justifications I created for my lies became less and less acceptable.....even to me. After all, you can only make so many excuses for the "new" holes in your walls and doors, his telling people he will be somewhere and never showing up and his angry outbursts aimed at anyone in his path. It eventually just becomes too much when you begin to realize that no one buys your lies anymore and you start to lose people in your world because they don't know why you are lying.....they just know you are. It sucked.

I think one of the most soul healing and peaceful days of my life was when I realized that I was not responsible for protecting my addict from his behaviors, his addiction or himself anymore. It was the most freeing feeling to know that I didn't have to lie for him because his actions and attitudes were on him, not me. It was also pretty awesome to be able to go to a meeting and admit what a liar I had been and not have anyone look at me with shock or disgust, but more with total understanding. They had all been there in some form or another and they knew that you can't enable without lying. The truth is that one of the biggest parts of enabling is...... lying to ourselves and others. 

Sadly, lying can become a habit and I had done if for so long, that it became a knee jerk reaction when it was something having to do with or about my addict. I still catch myself from time to starting to spin a tale, but then I stop. There is no reason to and no purpose in it. My addicts life and story are now his own. He no longer needs my embellishments....and with that, the tale ends there.

Living with an addict and being the parent of an addict is a hard road that leaves destruction and devastation in its path. Family members and friends can quickly and easily become people we don't even recognize if we aren't careful. Al-Anon has put a mirror to my face and helped me to see who I really am as opposed to who I thought I was. It has given me the tools to get honest and acknowledge what I was doing and accept the fact that I was becoming the absolute worst version of myself. With that acceptance, it also made me free to choose whether to continue on down the soul crushing road I was on or to put the focus on myself and change the only thing in this life I can.....ME!

Today, while far from perfect, I find myself liking the wildly imperfect person I am and enjoying my day by day and sometimes minute by minute progress to finding my best self. Without Al-Anon, I don't think I would have ever been able to be self aware enough to see my slow self destruction, let alone have been strong enough to admit it. Today is a much better day and while I still struggle and fall back instead of moving forward from time to time, at the end of the day, I recognize the missteps and have the tools and abilities to set myself back on track. Just for today......I am good.

Until next time.......

Why Al-Anon?

I am a huge proponent of Al-Anon because it has made such a difference in my life. I live the program and my own recovery everyday and because of this, people want to know more.

Alcoholism and addiction are running rampant in our country and in 2017 it was believed that over 49 million people had an addiction to alcohol and over 65 million had and addiction to some form of street or prescription drugs. These numbers even overlapped in many cases as there were a great number of dual addicts out there too. This means that for every alcoholic and/or addict, there is at least one (and usually several more than that) family members or close friends dealing with that addict/alcoholic. Their lives are quickly becoming out of control, unmanageable and bordering on the brink of dangerous and even life threatening. They need to know that there is help out there for them. Al-Anon is that help.

This blog is a list of the most asked questions asked about Al-Anon and their answers. If after you read this, you would like to know more, please comment in the comment section after the blog or call the numbers at the bottom of the page.

                                                               Al-Anon Q&A

What is Al-Anon? By definition, it is a mutual support group that helps family and friends of problem drinkers better known as alcoholics. In its early stages, families and a few friends of alcoholics were pretty much the only ones in attendance at these meetings. As the world of addictive behaviors grew, Al-Anon opened themselves up to families and friends of other forms of addictions also. Each addiction whether it is drugs, sex, gambling and so on all have addiction specific groups available, but often depending where you live, these addiction specific groups are not always available. Because the groups steps and traditions are pretty much the same across the board, Al-Anon meetings can be for the family and friends of pretty much any addiction.

So who's in charge? No one and everyone are in charge. Al-Anon is unique in the fact that money, social standing, job status, or any other usual hierarchy have no affect on leadership. It is an anonymous group of people from all walks of life with the same goal.....to regain their sanity and their life after their addict or alcoholic has imploded it. With this common need and goal, every individual in the group is equal in power. Each member takes turns leading meetings and any business having to do with that particular group is decided equally among the group. I know of no other group that handles business in this way.

Why don't I hear about Al-Anon? While Al-Anon usually has meetings posted via flyer in churches, city buildings, counseling offices and other community places, there is no mainstream media blitzes on it. You can usually find a meeting if you look online for your city and state with an accompanying address and phone number and many learn about Al-Anon by word of mouth, but there are few commercials out there and very little press on it. Al-Anon basically flies under the radar because it is an anonymous group and media attention would hurt the anonymity. Also Al-Anon doesn't align itself with political, religious or any other groups of any kind (other than AA).

What happens at an Al-Anon meeting? People that attend their first Al-Anon meeting might be very surprised when walking through those doors the first time. The other members are always kind and welcoming. You will be asked your first name, but unless you choose to, you don't have to do another thing but listen. The meetings usually run an hour long and they are conducted by a member reading the opening at the beginning and the closing at the end. There is also usually recital of the 12 steps and sometimes one or all of the Traditions, the Serenity prayer at the beginning and the Our Father at the end. In between the opening and the ending, a topic for that meeting is picked and those in attendance share either on that topic or if they need to share about something else....that is perfectly okay too. No one over talks, interrupts, nor comments on what you share about. While people usually share at these meetings, most find that they get more from listening to others than they do speaking.

Is this a religious group? No. While the 12 Steps are based on a Higher Power, it is up to each individual to decide who or what their Higher Power is. Some find that the group in general is their Higher Power, some find it in the program and some of course find their Higher Power to be God. Al-Anon is also affiliated with no religion or religious sect and there is no talk of religion during the meetings.

So what can Al-Anon do for me? Al-Anon will give to you as much as you put into it. In other words, if you are to the point in your life with your alcoholic or addict that you find yourself powerless over your addict and his/her choices and you feel like your world has been turned upside down and made to feel a bit insane and you want this all to change, working the Al-Anon program will turn all of this around. Al-Anon does not try to fix the alcoholic or addict, because they can't. No one can. What Al-Anon can do though is to teach you to focus on you. It will give you tools that will help when you are living with, communicating with or just dealing with your addict. Al-Anon helps to calm the frantic waters of worry and stress and also helps to curb our need to fix and control our addict. You will learn very quickly that you have no control over anyone but you....not even your addict. You will also learn the three C's: "I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it." In a very short time you will be seeing your situation, and even your addict through much different eyes and before you know it, you will actually find some peace and serenity whether your addict/alcoholic chooses to get clean and sober or not. You also find people willing to listen whether at the meeting or outside the meeting as a list of phone numbers for times of need are given out.

Are there online Al-Anon groups? There are online Al-Anon groups and I would encourage you to supplement your recovery with them BUT, if possible, I would highly suggest finding a local meeting and to go as often as you can, along with reading Al-Anon approved literature.

Is there a national Al-Anon number that I can call for local meetings and more information? Yes.
Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters            1-800-356-9996
Al-Anon National Hotline                              1-800-342-2437

So here you have it. Some of the most asked questions about Al-Anon.

Please if you or someone you know has a close friend or family member dealing with an alcoholic or addict and they need help, please point them in the direction of Al-Anon. There are meetings going on 24/7 nationally and internationally. Al-Anon works if you work it and you are worth it!

Until next time.......

I Accept Acceptance

The last six months of 2018, I believe the theme of my life was and in 2019 continues to be....acceptance. It is funny how such a common word has become another crucial verb in my life as I travel forward on this journey of my sons addiction and my own recovery.

In our new and improved politically correct society, acceptance is a word we hear a lot. We must accept this and we must accept that. People drone on about it doing very little to back up their words (in my humble opinion) and it just becomes blah blah, blah in our heads. Well, I'm here to tell you that without acceptance, you can't move forward and you will stay stuck.

My first true understanding of what acceptance really means was when I was not only confronted with but proven to, beyond a reasonable doubt that my son was a meth addict. Gone was any chance of me denying the situation. All that was left was acceptance. No....it did not mean that I was throwing in the towel and giving into the unacceptable. What it meant was that I was realizing the facts of the situation and accepting that while I was denying and fighting against the reality, my son was becoming and now was a full fledged addict. That is true acceptance when you understand and fully believe the facts laid before you.

The next step in acceptance hit me not long after the realization of his addiction. It came after I had run myself ragged for several weeks believing whole heartedly that somehow I could control the situation, his addiction and him. Suddenly, I was once again hit squarely in the face with the realization that I had zero control over any of it. Again with the facts.... my son was an addict and he didn't even have control over his addiction so how the hell could I possibly have any control over any of it? The situation was beyond anyone's control at this point and being that my son was legally an adult, he legally had the right to make bad choices and screw up his life and I had no control over any of it. Acceptance #2 had hit me full force. I had no control and I was totally powerless over any of it. 

Acceptance really began to domino when I walked into Al-Anon. The facts started flying at me hard and fast with every meeting I attended. Little fun facts such as, I was not a victim, but that I was however an enabler started rearing their ugly heads. I needed to change myself because I was never going to change him and the biggest moment of acceptance thus far has been, I need to mind my own business and focus on me. For REAL??? How do you take a mom who has been focused on her kids their entire life and tell her to just knock it off? And further more....how do you tell her that any control she had "prided" herself on in the past had just been an illusion since her child turned about 12. I truly wasn't sure I was up for this whole acceptance thing.

The great thing about Al-Anon is that even though the information and the realizations come at you hard and fast, especially at first, no one forces them down your throat. In each meeting they tell you to take what you like from the meeting and leave the rest. In other words, if something helps you....run with it. On the other hand, if you don't like what you hear, that's fine too. So as I was getting these glimpses of the real facts and not just the facts according to me, I slowly realized that I had to accept them, both the good and the bad.

What I think I have learned the most about acceptance is that in life and especially in addiction, we run from facts a lot of the time. We hide in denial and live in a fake world of our own creation. Eventually though, the facade fails us and the truth and reality seep in. You can try and continue to run and deny and make your world a twisted and complex tale, or you can face fact, accept things as they truly are and deal with them from that point forward. Not only does this simplify the world immensely, but it also gives you freedom of choice.

I learned that when I was willing to accept the facts, then I was also free to make a choice as to how I wanted to deal with them. An example was when I finally and fully realized that my son had no desire at that point in his life to get off the streets and get clean. Up to that point I had been masterminding, manipulating and trying my hardest to control the entire situation. I was literally making myself sick and driving myself to the brink of insanity repeating the same things over and over again, expecting different results. When I finally accepted that my son currently was who he was and that this was the life he was choosing for himself and I had no control over it, then that acceptance freed me up to make a choice. I could either continue running myself ragged with no positive outcome OR I could let him make his own choices (which hard as it was for me to "accept" were his to make) and start focusing on myself and getting myself healthy and less insane. Thankfully for everyone involved, I chose the latter.

The bottom line is, acceptance is not easy because it makes a person look reality straight in the eye and sometimes, reality ain't pretty. Once I did this though, I found a peace in the respect that I was no longer wrapped up in denial or the lies and complexities that go with denial. I no longer felt trapped either as I now had the freedom to make my own choices and focus on what was best for me, which in turn turned out to be best for all in my hemisphere. I saw a difference in all my relationships, especially with my other kids, when I no longer felt the need to express my opinion on their lives and their choices. With my addict son, I also saw a change, because once I accepted who he is, I made the choice to draw my boundary lines and also to quit constantly reminding him how his addiction was ruining his life. He knew he was ruining his life and me constantly reminding him, helped no one.

So today, I am grateful for acceptance. It has changed the way I think, feel and act in just about every situation in my life. I feel free to choose what is best for me and I no longer spend sleepless nights worried about others choices and my opinions of them. The fact is, I am a handful all on my own and if I continue to put as much effort into my own life as I have tried to put into everyone elses, then 2019 could quite possibly be my best year to date....and I whole heartedly accept that!

Until next time......