It's Hard to be Humble....When You Think You Control the World

One of the things they talk about in AA and NA is being humble. It makes sense. You must humble yourself in order to see yourself as you truly are and to make the changes which you need to make to get clean and sober. It is no different in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon. In fact, for us, it is probably even more important. 

The definition of humble is: having or showing a modest or low estimate of one's own importance. Think of those words.....having a low estimate of one's own importance. For most of us who love an addict or alcoholic, before we find ourselves in one of the Nons (Al-Anon or Nar-Anon), we are usually just the opposite of humble. We don't mean to be and honestly, if someone asked us if we were humble, we would likely humbly say....yes. Truthfully though, our self importance is usually off the charts. 

When you have an addict in your world, whether it is a spouse, child, parent, sibling or best friend, you immediately don the cape, put the "S" on your chest, and take over the situation. You become savior, problem solver, banker, and public relations person, all in the blink of an eye. 

You pull your addict out of tough situations, pay fines and give them money for places to live and "necessities," talk to bosses about why they are late or just didn't show up, and you tell the world half truths and outright lies about why they stood in the yard and screamed "F-you" so the whole world could hear them. In essence, in your view of things, you are the most important person in their world and likely the world of your entire family, because you are the only one that can do all of this and "fix" things. Who needs God, when you are on the job? Oh the lies we tell ourselves. 

The reality is, we are enablers who do not make our addicts responsible for their own choices and actions. We buy them out of situations and sometimes go into debt doing it, cover up for their bad behavior, and lie to everyone about what is really going on and what they are really doing. By doing all of this, we are not helping the addict, we are making the rest of the family and those who care about us crazy, as they aren't blind and see the reality of what is going on, and we are just ensuring that our addict ALWAYS has a soft place to fall, no consequences, and a steady supply of sympathy and excuses that make his/her addiction and addictive behavior, that much easier to get by with. 

Because we enable, it becomes so easy for the addict to hone their gaslighting and manipulative skills and become the narcissistic individuals they must be, in order to keep their addiction lifestyle alive and well. Also, the longer we enable, the likelihood is, the longer they will keep the lifestyle going, because they won't hit their rock bottom until all comfort, help, money and people are gone from their lives. Then and only then do they start to question their life choices because they know that they and only them are responsible for what they are doing, the choices they are making, and all consequences of these choices. 

To put it bluntly, if you believe in God or a Higher Power, YOU have been stepping on God's toes and trying to take His place. Perhaps if you had backed off and yes, humbled yourself sooner, your addict would have learned a few crucial life lessons early on and not be where he/she is today. It's a tough reality, but a reality none the less. 

Why do we do all of this for and to our addict? Because we feel so lost, helpless, and out of control. When it comes to those we love, when they are hurting or heading down a bad path, it is human nature to want to step in and make it all right, even though it is not our hurt or our path to change or fix. Still, we feel we have to do something, which leads to believing that we actually have the power to do something, which finally leads to us doing all the wrong things because we have an exaggerated view of our own power and control in our head. Unfortunately, by the time we realize that if we had any real power or control, our addict would not in fact be an addict, we have already done more damage than intended with our own savior complex. 

So how do we undo the damage we have done? We don't, but admitting that we are powerless over our addicts choices and actions and over his/her addiction is a really great way to start making better choices for all involved going forward. 

Many scoff at the 12 Steps and yet the 12 Steps are so crucial in our own recovery and often our working them and working them well, also has a huge effect on our addict. So if you are all in and decide to work the steps, in my "humble" opinion, the key to starting them and working them, is to in fact, humble yourself, because trust me, those Steps are humbling. 

Truthfully, most of us have already begun the humbling process the moment we realize that our reality is that we are clueless in this whole addiction thing and nothing we are doing is helping. We are willing to try anything at this point, even the things we had scoffed at previously. That is what usually brings us to one of the Non meetings. To admit that nothing you are doing is working and that you have no control humbles a person pretty quickly. You begin to yank both the "S" off your chest and the cape off your back, and find some understanding that their addiction is their problem and it is not a problem that you can make better or fix. This is their issue. You have your own issues to deal with, starting with your savior complex. 

The good news is, once you have humbled yourself that first time, and have completely understood that you have no super powers in this or probably any situation, a lot of things start making sense, not just about how you have handled your addict and his/her addiction, but likely about many other things in your life too. You start seeing how much control you have tried to hold over everyone and everything and you realize that you can actually only control that which is yours.....your thoughts, your actions and how you live your life. Everything else should be off limits and out of your lane. In other words, you need to stay in your lane. 

The more you focus on you, and what brought you to be the control freak you have turned into, the more humble you seem to get. At times, it is almost difficult to realize and actually see the difference between what you thought you were doing and what you were actually doing where your addict was concerned. Throw in the fact that others in your life were watching, and at times even warning you and yet, you boldly ignored them, just sure you were right and they were imbeciles, and that humbling thing becomes shear embarrassment too. Sometimes though, we have to fall below the curb, to pull ourselves back to our knees and realize that we have to hand it to our Higher Power and give Him the control. 

So yeah, to be humble is to realize that you only have control over you and that at times, you don't even do that right. It is also, to step aside and not only see but also accept that there is something much bigger than we are, for me it is God, and that He's got this. He is the savior and He really doesn't need someone with a savior complex getting in the way of the lessons He maybe trying to teach. 

Sometimes we all fall out of line and forget that we aren't in control, but I promise you, just like that, those 12 Steps can slap you silly and bring you back to reality in a heartbeat. They can also help you to remember just who is really in control and that it ain't you. 

If any of this sounds like something you might be going through and if you are beginning to realize that you are truly powerless over your addict and his/her addiction, maybe one of the Non meetings  is for you. I encourage you to look for the nearest in person meeting near you or even to find one online. If you can't find one, please contact me at lelam3@sbcglobal.net or here in the comments and together, we will find a meeting for you. It just might be the best decision you have ever made. 

Until next time, be safe, be humble, and don't forget...your control is mostly an illusion and seldom a reality. 

Making Known the Unknowns of the "Nons"

Sometimes, the things that scare us the most about a situation, are the unknowns. It is doubly difficult if you aren't in the best head space to begin with. Today, maybe I can give someone who is thinking about going to a Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meeting, some peace of mind by telling you all, a little about what it's like and what you can and cannot expect. 

It is easy to get some pretty weird pre-conceived notions about what a meeting is like if you have never been. Often the mere mention of going to a meeting for some, can bring on feelings of being preached at, churchy and forced rules. After all, addiction is tough subject matter, so I guess there is an expectation that a meeting with the focus of addiction might be a little more complicated than it actually is. 

Others though, seem to put a wall up when the two "Nons"(Al-Anon and Nar-Anon) are mentioned because in some weird part of their brain, they see a meeting and those in attendance as trying to control them. I guess it makes sense that some might see it this way, because there is nothing that a controlling enabler hates more than someone trying to control them. 

Finally, there are those that feel that going to a meeting makes their situation too public and much too real. They are under the impression that they have the power to "fix" their situation and their addict without the help of a bunch of strangers at a meeting. Also, by breaking down and going, they might also actually have to admit that there is a problem which might totally kill their denial buzz. 

I can tell you from personal experience, that the reality is that none of these are correct. When you attend a "Non" meeting you are not there to be preached at about God or any other deity, and far from controlling, "Non" meetings are designed to allow you to make the best decisions for you. There is no control involved. And let's face it, if you show up at a "Non" meeting, you already have admitted that you are in over your head with addiction and your addict. You have likely already realized that "fixing" your addict is way above your pay grade. 

Feeling any better? The fact is, that a "Non" meeting is likely a meeting like none you have ever attended before. 

First of all, don't let the word meeting throw you off. Most of us view meetings as a group of people, in a room or office, where someone is in control and they do most of the talking, while everyone else listens, takes notes and speaks if asked. A "Non" meeting isn't really like that at all. 

While "Non" meetings do take place in a space big enough for those involved, that is pretty much where the similarities end. At a "Non" meeting, there is no one in control. In other words, everyone present is a family member or friend of an alcoholic or addict, but no one is above anyone else and no one is in charge or in control of anything. All are there for the same reason and trust me, by the time you have humbled yourself to the point of feeling this out of control, you have no desire to be in control of anything....including a meeting. 

At each meeting a leader is asked to volunteer for that meeting and that meeting alone, and when they do, their purpose is to read the opening and the closing and to start and end the meeting. They also collect any money donated at the meeting so that it can be given to the treasurer. *** The treasurer is agreed upon by the group and this person is responsible for depositing donations and purchasing any books or "Non" materials. That is as political or governed as "Non" gets. 

As for rules, they are pretty simple too. There are no bosses. No one is in control and no one runs the show. Whoever leads each time is a volunteer and everyone present is usually pretty careful to make sure that everyone gets a turn and takes a turn as leader. Those in attendance at a meeting, have the expectation of anonymity, and pretty much what happens at a meeting, stays at a meeting. Those present do not cross-talk, which means that if someone is talking, others present do not interrupt them, nor do they express their opinion on someone else's "share." A share by the way, is when it is your turn to talk and you say whatever is on your mind or on topic for that meeting. 

"Nons" do not affiliate themselves with anything other than AA or NA. They do not affiliate themselves with anything political or any business or corporation. While there is talk of a Higher Power, there is no affiliation with any church or religion and Higher Power can refer to anything you see as bigger than yourself. Finally, and maybe most importantly, "Nons" go on the premise that everyone has an opinion and a story. We  "share" to take the weight off ourselves and also, in the hopes that maybe our situation or story, can help someone else. That being said though, while many times we hear things in meetings that are just what we needed to hear, sometimes we hear things that either don't apply to us or that we simply don't agree with. That is why it even says in our closing that "You take what you need and leave the rest." 

When you enter a "Non" meeting for the first time, there is usually coffee available and you will enter into a room where others are likely already there. They will ask you your name and someone may even ask you if this is your first meeting. You only give them your first name and let them know that yes...you are a newbie. They will say "Welcome" and "Glad you are here." 

The leader will likely already have volunteered for the position and will have the opening ready (the opening is the same at all meetings no matter where you go) and at precisely the starting time, the leader will begin the meeting and read the opening, followed by any announcements or birthdays. Birthdays are not actually biological birthdays, but they are yearly from the date of your first meeting, much like the addict/alcoholic. You will then be invited as a group to recite The Serenity Prayer. This is not a requirement though, by any means. You then will begin going around the table or group, saying your name and have each person read one of the 12 Steps. Books are provided with the steps and usually, the walls have posters of the Steps, Concepts, Traditions and Slogans, so you can read right from the wall if you like. Once this is all out of the way, the leader will then either give the group a prechosen topic or will ask for topic ideas. Once the topic is chosen, this will be the crux of the meeting and either the leader will choose someone to begin sharing or someone will volunteer. 

A share can be done in a lot of ways. Many times a new person will decline a share and just say they are there to listen until they get comfortable with everything. Sometimes long time members will choose to pass too. Sometimes members attend, not to talk, but to listen, for the wise person knows that often we get far more from listening than talking. If this is what you choose, then it is absolutely fine. Someone else though, may pick up one of the books provided for the meeting and find the topic in the book and read about it. Another person may have something to share where the topic pertains to something they are going through and finally, someone else may need to share about something that has nothing to do with the topic, but is important for their own recovery. Once the share is complete, the group thanks them for being there and then it moves onto the next person. 

I think here is where I will elaborate a little more on the "sharing." I can't speak for anyone else but in my life, whenever I have been faced with something extremely difficult, I always look for someone who has been through it and survived. That is what "Non" meetings are, they are meetings full of those who have been fighting the war of loving someone with an addiction and they are surviving....one day at a time. Their shares, while being therapeutic for them, also tell their stories and give others in the room hope. Those shares tell everyone their that they are not alone and that others have been in their shoes and survived. 

Another thing about shares is that often, whatever the topic is, we can relate our current situation to it, whether it is one of the steps, a slogan, or a topic like detachment. On those occasions though, when you have just had a horrible week and need to talk about it and it has nothing to do with the topic at hand, that is perfectly fine too. The only two "rules" for sharing are that, no one is there to fix the addict or alcoholic. We are there for ourselves, to make ourselves, healthy, happy and whole, therefore, we need to keep the focus on ourselves as much as possible. The other thing is, most meetings try to stay at one hour, so you need to read the room and figure out the number of people present and try to keep your share fairly condensed to make sure everyone has a chance to share. On the occasion though that the share need is greater than maybe you think there is time for, it is perfectly okay to go over a bit. We all have those meetings and no one gets upset if the meeting runs a little long because someone needed a little extra time. 

Once everyone has had a chance to share, then the leader will do the closing. The closing like the opening is the same wherever you go. At the end, everyone is invited to stand, hold hands and say the Our Father. It is by no means again, a requirement though and at the very end, we remind each other to "Keep coming back. It works if you work it," referring to the program and the meetings. This is usually followed by a lot of hugs which you can participate in or not. 

Let me break this down a bit further. Yes, the beginning and end do have prayers, but your vision of God or a Higher Power may not be my vision and vice versa. You look to the Higher Power you are comfortable with. It maybe God, it may be the universe and it may be something totally different. It will however, always be something bigger than yourself. 

The Serenity Prayer at the beginning reminds us that there has to be something bigger than we are, or else we wouldn't have the need to be there. After all, if we could fix our addict/alcoholic and the situation ourselves, wouldn't we have already done that? And the final Our Father is definitely born in Christianity, but again, it brings us to the fact that we can't do this alone, and we are admitting we are powerless and need to turn our situation into bigger hands than our own. One more time though, participating in opening and closing prayers are not a requirement to going to a "Non" meeting and no one stands in judgement of you if you choose not to participate.

So what about these Steps? Are you required to do the steps at meetings? No. You are not required to do anything at these meetings and while The Steps are referred to and talked about at meetings, Step work is usually done outside the meetings and on your own time and usually with a sponsor.

A sponsor. What is that and do I have to have one? A sponsor is someone who usually either has been  in "Non" for a long time, or has an especially good handle on what the program is about. To get a sponsor, you simply ask someone that you think might be a good fit with you, and if they feel that they are good sponsor material for you, then they will agree to do it and the two of you will figure out a sponsor/sponsee relationship that works for you. 

A sponsor will help to guide you through the program, the Steps,  and even through your life when you struggle. They can be your best friend or your worst enemy as they will always be dead honest with you and not pull any punches. Trust me, it is what you need if you want to get the most from your program. And....you may go through a few sponsors before you find one that is a good fit, and this is absolutely okay. Do you have to have one? No. Do you need one? Probably, but the beauty of the program is that you can always choose a sponsor when you are ready, but again....not a requirement to be in the program.

A "Non" meeting, will likely be the scariest meeting you ever go to the first time. It will not be because of the meeting itself, it will be because of your preconceived notions about your ability to handle your addict and their addiction and also, you might be leery of just what might go on behind the closed doors of the meeting. Once there though, it will likely be the easiest decision you have ever made, to come back, not to mention the best decision you have ever made. Like anything else, if you go to a meeting and it is not a good fit, then try another. Also, give any "Non" meeting you go to, at least six tries. You deserve to do that for yourself and most people find that after six tries, they are getting something positive out of the meetings that keeps them coming back. 

Is Al-Anon and Nar-Anon for everybody? No! It is only for those who are sick and tired of being sick and tired and are powerless over both their addict and the addiction. It is for those that realize that if they had any true control over the situation, that their addict would not be an addict. And finally, it is for those who realize that they are to the point of feeling insane, trying to fix that which is not for them to fix. Until and unless you are one of these people then you are probably right.....the "Nons" are not for you.   

Well, maybe this will help someone. Maybe this will ease someone's mind and help them to find a meeting and give their own recovery a try. Trust me, they aren't just words, the program does work. All that is required of you is....to work it!

So if you think one of the "Nons" might be for you, you can look online and find local meetings near you. Since COVID, lots of online meetings and zoom meetings are also out there. If you still can't seem to find one and need help, please don't hesitate to contact me and together maybe we can find a meeting that is just right for you. 

Until next time, please know that you are worth it, happiness is an option, and recovery is possible. 

***There is no charge to go to a meeting but people usually throw in a dollar or two to help offset the cost of coffee and "Non" reading materials and books.***

Dealing With Family and Friends

Sometimes, when we have an addict in our world, it is actually not the addict that is the hardest person to deal with. Often, there are family members or friends who are much more difficult than the addict themselves. This usually springs from the fact that those difficult family members and friends don't actually live in the home with the addict and they don't see just who the addict really is while in active addiction. Unless you are faced with addiction and an addict up close and personally, people just don't have an understanding of what you might be going through. Because of this, there can be a great deal of struggle, misinformation and denial going on with them, and that can get thrown right back on you. 

The truth is, that it isn't always the family members and friends fault. If your addict was a really good person  pre-addiction, and that is the only version they know of the addict, then they are going to have no idea that this person has turned into one of the worlds best liars and manipulators, and they will not be able to reconcile the person they think they know to the person they are now dealing with. They will also not see that this addict can read a room like no other and will know who they can manipulate and who they can't. So they will not see it coming when the addict puts on a good face to get anything from money to a ride or anything else they think they might want or need in the moment. Yep, if you don't know addiction or addictive behavior, then you can't possibly prepare yourself for what is to come.

I have heard so many people talking about along with dealing with their addict, also having to deal with other family members. It is frustrating when those outside your addiction bubble aren't privy to the anger, the name calling, the mood swings, the lying, the stealing and the disrespect for anyone and everyone. All those outside the bubble see is what the addict wants them to see and because the addict can be a charming yet narcissistic creature, those family and friends on the outside will believe them above you a good percent of the time. And because they are not part of the active addiction, they have no understanding of your need for boundaries or detachment, thus, you are seen as too judgmental, too insensitive, too mean or just flat out a liar, while the addict comes out smelling like a rose. 

The worst situations though, can arise when you try to tell family and friends not to give the addict money and in some cases, to not even let the addict into their homes......and yet they ignore you and do it anyway. The addict has them so thoroughly convinced that you are crazy, delusional or just out to get them, so ultimately those on the outside have no idea they are being enablers, but instead see themselves as knights in shining armor, helping the poor addict, because you refuse to. It is frustrating, infuriating, and in the end, you always end up looking like a mean and uncaring monster, just because you have boundaries and are willing to stick to them. 

So what do we do about these friends and family who refuse to see the truth and insist on seeing us as the bad guy and the addict as a victim? The answer is simple. You do nothing and let them figure it out for themselves. I learned the hard way, that if you tell someone once what the situation is and warn them to protect their money, their possessions, their residence and their hearts from the addict and they don't listen, then telling them a second time or a twenty-second time will not make them any more willing to listen or hear you. Often, them finding out the hard way after they have been used, stolen from and ultimately hurt over the situation is they only way they end up seeing the truth. 

In the beginning, when my son was just starting down the path to active addiction, and long before I found Al-Anon, I still knew something wasn't right. I wasn't exactly sure what was going on, but I saw how fast money was going through his hands with nothing to show for it, how his behaviors were changing day by day for the worse, and I saw the rough crowd he was starting to hang with. Even just knowing all of this and yet really knowing nothing, I knew that giving him money was a horrid mistake. Luckily, I had none to give him, but at some point, I started thinking about those in my world who might. Little did I know though, he had already been spreading the word how awful I was, how unfair I was, and how I was just plain crazy, and sadly, more people than I would like to admit, believed him. So when I started telling people that something was going on with him and not to give him money for any reason, there were those that saw me as the villain and him as the victim. Again, luckily, there were not that many in our world that had the money to give, so regardless of what some thought of me, they didn't have the means to hand him money or "help" him out. Unfortunately however, there was one who did.....my dad. 

My dad at the time, was your typical senior man who had invested well, saved well and had prepared well for retirement. What he didn't do well, was listen to others. He and I didn't have the best of relationships to begin with, although, funny thing, his feelings for me didn't carry over to his grandkids. He was crazy about them.......at least until they made him mad or disappointed him. At this time, my addict had yet to do either. My son knew full well though, that staying on his grandfathers good side was imperative in order to get a steady stream of money and what better way to do that, then to keep my dad and I at odds. I told my dad many a time not to give my son money, and each time he did it anyway, often telling him not to tell me. I even broke down crying to my dad and begging him not to give my son anymore money because he was an addict, and my dad flat out told me that I was being ridiculous and that I was just jealous of the relationship between him and my son. It was so frustrating and at the time, a little hurtful too. 

It wasn't until much later that I learned just how much money he had given my addicted son, and by this time, everyone knew my sons situation. Rather though, than admit that he hadn't listened to me and had given my son all of this money despite what I had told him, he instead told others that I had simply taken the money from him, and put the blame squarely on me. Again....hurtful, but not surprising. 

Later on, as I joined Al-Anon and learned the tools needed for loving an addict, I also learned that I had no control over what others did or thought, addict or not. I realized that my constantly telling others that my son was an addict and not to be trusted, really helped no one, especially if they already had their minds made up. I learned while standing back and watching, that eventually, my sons own actions would be his undoing where these people were concerned and at some point, they would and did see the truth, even if like my dad, they had to learn the hard way. 

As time went on, and my son fell further into his addiction, those whom he had tried to keep up a good front with, soon became expendable in his life and not worth his time or effort, if money, a place to stay or rides weren't involved, since the end game was to keep the addiction and the addict lifestyle going. What is truly sad though, is that some of those people who refused to believe what he was doing until he himself showed them, now forever view him as that person. It is sad too, because my son the recovering addict is really a pretty awesome person. Maybe one day they will find this out.  

I guess the bottom line is, if you have an addict in your life and you have family and friends causing more of a struggle in your life than even your addict is, my suggestion to you is as always, go to meetings and put the focus on you. Gain the tools you need at those meetings, but don't try to tell others what they refuse to hear. You can only take care of you. In the end, they will likely have to learn the hard way and yes, that can make your addict collateral damage, by them giving him money or enabling him, but your addict and his/her enablers are entitled to make their own choices, even if they are bad ones.

Also remember, if your family members and friends get too toxic in your life, detaching and boundaries are not just good to help the situation with your addict. Sometimes a few good boundaries and a little detaching from other individuals in your life will also help more than you can know. 

Traditionally, other family members and friends can be considered a great support system, unfortunately though, because addiction is what it is, this is not always the case when you are dealing with an addict. Sometimes, in order to survive, you  have to detach from those on the outside and keep your boundaries strong and tight even from the most well intentioned people, in order to keep your own peace and your own sanity. 

So if  you or someone you know is dealing with an addict and feels powerless  over the addiction and the addict, then find an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting near you. If you can't find a meeting on your own, please contact me and together we will find you one so that you never have to feel powerless again.

Until next time, share a smile, find a meeting and most of all remember......it works if you work it.