Stepping Back and Looking Forward With My Al-Anon/Nar-Anon Journey

 It has been awhile. I hope this finds you all healthy and forward looking into the spring. For those of you reading who may have forgotten, from 2014 through the first part of April 2019, I went through every parents nightmare. My son is an addict and through those years, he was in active addiction and my world was a series of upheavals, lies and dramas. It was one of the darkest periods in my life and quite honestly, I didn't know if I would survive. 

Jump ahead to April 1, 2021. My son or for ease of acknowledgement and his privacy, my RAS (my recovering addict son) will in just a few days, have been clean for two years. It has gone by so quickly, but not without bumps and bruises and a great deal of learning in the process. So today, I am stepping back and looking forward at my journey thus far. 

If you also remember, in 2018, I found Al-Anon/Nar-Anon. Truthfully, I knew of Al-Anon, but I had fought it for years. It wasn't until I hit my own rock bottom as a parent of an addict that I finally relented and went to my first meeting and had I not gone, I don't know whether I would be here writing this today. 

So it has been a long time since I have written here and perhaps you maybe thinking that it is because he is clean and all is well in our world. No more addiction. No more Al-Anon. The world is freaking fantastic. Wrong. I have just compartmentalized a lot and the world kept on turning and I put this blog to the back burner. I am here though today to catch you up. 

Some facts: When there is an addict or alcoholic in your life, you can quickly become as sick as they are. No, you don't have to drink or use to be sick. There are just simply actions and behaviors as well as a mental status that comes into play that make family and friends of addicts (again, I am going to frequently mention "addicts" because that is what my son is, but this also pertains to alcoholics too, even if I don't mention them as much) extremely sick. Because the addict is such a good manipulator, gaslighter and in many cases abuser, those that love them get caught in the trap of trying to help them, which almost always becomes enabling, and allows the addict to use the love and care those close to them have for them, against them. It becomes a viscous cycle of lies, abuse and worry. And when I say "lies", I don't just mean by the addict. The enabler becomes as good a liar as the addict because they have to fix and cover up for the addict and they have to lie to those on the outside looking in who see what is going on. It is a nightmare you feel you won't wake up from and through it all, as much as you love the addict, you start resenting them and literally hating yourself for what you are allowing. This all grows inside to the point of mental and physical breakdown. 

As I have said before, when I went to my first Al-Anon meeting, I went loaded for bear and ready to let the world know that I was a martyr who had put up with all of my addicts abuses and behaviors and I was there to unload and fix him. One hour later, I walked out with a really clear understanding that I was not martyr,  Al-Anon was not going to fix him, and that I was the one who needed fixed. He was an adult completely responsible for his own actions and behaviors and he was even allowed them, whether they were destructive or not. The bottom line is I had no control over him or his addiction, I only had control over me and my actions and reactions. If I needed proof of this, all I had to remember is, that if any parent or loved one of an addict had control over the addict or addiction, then there would be no addicts or addiction. It hit home hard. 

I was totally not prepared to hear that I was at Al-Anon to fix me, not him. Heck, I didn't even know I needed fixed, but that through fixing me, I might just survive this whole ordeal and maybe even make it better for everyone involved....including my addict son. If you would like to read more about my Al-Anon journey in the early days, please read my previous blog entries.

Funny thing, not unlike the addict who just because they are in recovery, doesn't mean they no longer need AA or NA (Alcoholic Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous), the same goes for us Al-Anon and Nar-Anon people. I am just as much in recovery as my RAS is, I am just recovering from the crazy behaviors and attitudes that addiction brought to my life and truthfully.....my own bad choices. Unfortunately, the attack of COVID made addiction much dicier and much more difficult for those using, those recovering, and family members.

In Al-Anon and AA, much of what saves addicts and family members is the face to face meetings and the knowledge that we can hit a meeting anytime one is available. This last year though, meetings became non-existent with the lockdowns, therefore, there was a period of time that we were left to our own devices. This was truly bad news for the active addicts and because of the isolation and mental stress of COVID, the active addict numbers grew exponentially. Sadly, so did the number of deaths due to drugs and overdoses. It has been a grim time for those of us caught in this life. 

Thankfully, zoom AA and Al-Anon meetings have begun popping up all over the place, but most will tell you, they are simply not the same as going to a room filled with those who are kindred spirits in the journey you are on, and being able to for one hour, have that feeling of complete understanding and acceptance. Like everyone else, the last year has been a tough time for me, and I have been grateful for all of my Al-Anon reading and for the Al-Anon/Nar-Anon Facebook pages out there. 

So, if you are scratching your head and wondering why if my son is recovering, that I still need to be so closely involved in Al-Anon, it is simple. Sometimes the scariest part of addiction is when your loved one is in recovery. 

When my son was using, he had become someone I didn't recognize. Gone was my beautiful son with a beautiful heart and soul. He had been replaced by a face and an attitude, I didn't recognize. He was doing and saying things that I never dreamed him capable of and I genuinely feared that I would never even get a glimpse of my "real" son again. That being said though, I had grown to understand as much as possible, the person he had become and I had no expectations of him or his sobriety. (Expectations are killer and only set us and our addicts up for failure).  Once he was clean though, and the drugs began to leave his body and brain, gradually, my beautiful son came back. If possible, he was stronger and kinder than he had been before his addiction, because his life of addiction had taught him a lot of hard earned lessons. He laughed again, talked again and was becoming a really great person. So what's the problem? Expectations and fears. I fought them but I couldn't help but have expectations try to rear their ugly heads every now and then,  and then there was the fear that once I had him back, that I might lose him again, and that his need for drugs might outweigh his need for sobriety. It was literally terrifying. He had already had so many relapses over the years, and I prayed daily that this would not be another one. The difference this time though, was that he was working a program and through that, he was gaining tools and relationships that if used, could get him through the rough times.....and yes, there are many rough times for the addict, especially in the beginning. 

For me though, I had/sometimes still have, my own little PTSD, where I have nightmares that he is using again. There are places in the city where I almost get physically sick driving through, as they are places I would pick him up or take him to when he was using. I also see all of the relationships that he has worked so hard to repair and the people that love him so, and there are times that I start worrying about things that I shouldn't. This is when I need my meetings most and the reminder that I have no control over his choices (good or bad) and therefore, I have to focus on what I can control and work on, giving myself both physical and mental health with the tools and relationships that Al-Anon provides me. Al-Anon does that for me and for millions more like me, so not having the regular meetings and the long held comfortable relationships can be rather daunting at times. Thank God for all that Al-Anon gave me before the pandemic.

The sun is out today. The weather is warming into spring and God willing, we are about to flatten the COVID curve into nothingness. Perhaps now, I will be able to find my way back into the comfort of my regular meetings and my regular people. 

Addiction is a horrid nightmare for all involved. Going it alone can destroy a person, so if you have a friend or loved one who is an addict or alcoholic and you need help, please contact your nearest Al-Anon or Nar-Anon group. The meetings are anonymous and I promise you, go a few times and you will never regret it. 

July 2nd....the Beginning

There is a great deal going on in the world today and I have control over none of it. There is nothing I can do about COVID-19 and all that comes with it nor is there much I can do about the rioting and protesting around the country. I have though for awhile felt like I needed to do something and with much introspection and prayer, I have come to believe that I can best serve others right here by sharing my story as the mother of an addict and my journey into Al-Anon.

I chose today to jump back in and start writing here again, because July 2nd is an unforgettable date in my life for two reasons. The first is that on this day 19 years ago, I lost my husband. He was a duel addict (both drugs and alcohol) but when I met him he was three years into recovery. He was a good man, a good husband and a good father and his loss from a brain aneurysm was very devastating. The other reason this date is unforgettable for me is where this story really starts for me.

On July 2, 2018, my then 22 year old son came to me and literally fell apart in my garage telling me that he was a meth addict who was shooting up 8-10 times a day. He was high when he came to my house to tell me and he was so messed up that he was completely oblivious of the date.

The back story to all of this started about three years prior with him first smoking weed and then gradually working his way through the drug chain. I knew that he had used and his attitude and erratic behavior had caused me to eventually kick him out of the house. He had gone to stay with a friend who gave me almost daily reports of how good my son was doing. It wasn't until that fateful July 2nd day, that the truth came out and I found out that not only was my son shooting up, but this friend was supplying him and had taught him how to shoot up. It is a day engraved in my brain and as hard as it was, it was also the beginning of a new chapter in life for me.

Now in the past I have told the entire story from my point of view, but my sons story from his vantage point is his to tell, and perhaps someday he will share it here. For now though, I will tell you a bit about mine and what I hope to achieve going forward with this blog and my story.

The two weeks following his meth "confession" to me, were a living nightmare for me. As a mom, my whole world was blown to pieces and my delusion of him getting along well and straightening his life out had been blown completely out of the water. I immediately went into "fix it" mode and started trying to find him a place to get clean. I drove him to detox thinking that he would go in, detox and get a fresh start, after all, he came to me for help....right? WRONG! He came to me because he was starting to get sick and tired of the drug world, but he was nowhere ready to take the steps or do the work that sobriety would require. He just wanted out of the "friends" house and thought maybe through his confession I would allow him back home and honestly that is exactly what I was going to do, but first....detox.

I dropped him off at detox about 7 p.m. and he called me to tell me he left about an hour later. He was not ready to get clean and living back at home was not a possibility. Just that afternoon after telling me what had happened, he had stuck his fist through one of my doors. I had to keep him at a distance. This began his life on the streets. For the first week or so, he claimed he wanted to go to a sober living facility and I nearly killed myself trying to find him a place. I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't eating. I was literally making myself sick trying to fix him and I was too blind to see that he wasn't ready to be fixed.

After about two weeks of this running crazy, it was a Sunday and I had gone to early Mass before I went to pick him up at a  Quik-Trip and once again try to find him a place at a sober living house. During Mass, I nearly blacked out. I was exhausted and stressed and my body was starting to tell me that enough was enough. I knelt there in church and begged God for an answer. After Mass I picked him up and after him finding fault with just about every place we looked at or I suggested, I finally looked at him and asked, "Do you even want to get clean?" His answer was immediate, "No." Without another word, I drove him back to the Quick Trip, had him get out of the car and I left him there. I drove away without even looking back. I then went home and slept for about 12 hours straight.

The next day, I called his counselor whom he was supposed to be meeting with and of course was not. I told her about the previous day and asked her going forward, what I needed to do. I meant what did I need to do for him. Her answer was what I should do for me. She told me to find an Al-Anon/Nar-Anon group and go to a meeting.

I had been to a couple of Al-Anon meetings years before when I had first met my husband. He had wanted me to go, so that I could understand addiction, but since he was in recovery and I wasn't seeing active alcoholism and addiction, the meetings didn't really resonate with me. But on that day when she told me to go to a meeting, I was so desperate....I was willing to do just about anything to fix "him." 

I can honestly say, the best thing I ever did for me, for my son and for the rest of my family was to walk into that first meeting. I found an Al-Anon meeting, as Nar-Anon meetings around here are few and far between. Al-Anon is for the family and friends of alcoholics and Nar-Anon is for the family and friends of addicts. Their doctrine is basically the same though and many family members with addicts in their family attend Al-Anon meetings.

My memory of Al-Anon had dimmed over the years, so when I went into that first meeting, I was prepared to lay out my tale of woe and be the martyr in the room while everyone told me how strong I was and how bad my addict was. It didn't quite happen like that. This was not about placing blame or telling tales on the addict. In fact, this meeting had almost nothing to do with my addict or his addiction and everything to do with me. That is what Al-Anon is. It is a place for the family and friends of alcoholic and addicts to take a long hard look at themselves and to fix themselves. You learn early on that you have zero control over just about everything in this world (especially the addict), but you do have control over yourself. You can control how you act and react and control how you will allow others to treat you, by putting in place some pretty strong boundaries.

At my first meeting, I was welcomed and given an idea of what the program was all about. It is here that they tell you that before you give up on Al-Anon, to go to at least six meetings. That is the only piece of advice they give. Everything else is perspective and shared experience. It was the first time in a long time that I didn't feel crazy or insane (being the mom of an addict will destroy your sanity) and it was the first time that I felt like I was among kindred spirits. Those in that meeting had been there and done that, and there was nothing that I could tell them that was going to cause them to bat an eye, let alone be shocked. That meeting was the most peace I had experienced in a very long time. There was no question that I was going back.

That was almost two years ago. I did continue going back and I began to change me. By changing me, I also changed the way I handled my son in the throws of addiction. I learned to love him and still detach from his addiction and all that went with it. I learned not to panic and to let him make his own decisions rather jumping in and trying to fix him.

Eventually my son grew very tired of walking that extremely fragile line between addiction and death. The life he was living was killing him and finally after so many close calls, he decided to get clean on his own. He made the choice to go to a detox center and then he found his own way to an Oxford House (sober living). He found AA, counseling and out patient rehab. He worked his program, got a job and started climbing his way out of addiction. Today he is almost 16 months clean, he works two jobs and is going to school. He continues to work his program daily and never takes for granted a minute of his sobriety.

I too continue to work my program and attend my meetings, for Al-Anon has taught me that in many ways, I was just as sick as he was. Addiction can turn a family inside out and make every member every bit as sick as the addict. I had to learn to focus on me and let him make his own choices and live with the consequences of those choices....good or bad. Some days are better than others because I am always a work in progress.

Going forward, I hope that by sharing my experiences and the Al-Anon program here, that I can possibly touch others who are as sick and tired of being sick and tired and crazy as I was. I hope my story hits a chord with someone who needs to hear it and that they too can find a way to a life of peace in the midst of a world of chaos. It truly is possible.

So here it begins. Please, if you are struggling as a parent, family member or friend of an addict and you need help,  know that there is help out there. Almost every town has Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meetings and there are also online meetings and social media groups designed to help families of addicts.

As awful as addiction is, there is always hope and maybe through this blog, I can offer a little of that to someone who really needs it. 

It's Just Weed

Weed. Is it addictive? It is the question of the day on some of the NarAnon facebook pages.  In my humble opinion, yes it is. This is not an assumption or simply an opinion. It is an actual observance of a lot of different people over the years. I have seen it in my own home with my own kids. Now I know there are many out there who are hitting their bong as they read this and laughing at my ridiculousness as they gasp and choke out that last hit. The funny thing is, if they have a bong.....you can bet trying to take that bong away from them for any period of time would likely result in a fight.

I was told by someone that they were not "addicted" but simply "dependent" on the weed.  I hated to have to tell them that addiction and dependency were the exact same thing. They laughed in my face as they hit the bong again. The ridiculousness of it all made me sad. Denial is a powerful thing.

My stance on weed is this, I do believe in the studies that show that cannabis can cure cancer, seizures and help with pain. I also believe that smoking weed does less harm to your body than drinking alcohol. But....that is kind of like saying that taking Oxy is less harmful than shooting up heroin. In other words its like telling someone that poison is bad for you, but go ahead and pick the least bad poison. So yes, I believe that cannabis can have some positive and life saving properties, however sitting on your couch unmotivated, taking hit after hit off your bong is neither positive nor life saving. Long term usage can also have long term affects such as the breakdown of healthy cells in your body, damage to brain cells and short term memory loss. So why mess with anything that changes your brain chemistry or hurts your brain at all? Regulated cannabis with the hallucinogenic properties removed for the purpose of ridding someone of seizures or cancer is one thing. Recreational weed is completely different.

As a parent and even a friend, I have seen people who were highly motivated individuals turn into barely functioning and completely unmotivated couch potatoes. I have seen people who were healthy and active become overweight and completely inactive because weed took over their lives. Throw in the fact that it is illegal in many states and good luck finding a job or keeping a job. I have known several with really great jobs who happened to have a drug test popped on them and they were walked out that very day. So much for weed not affecting their lives.

Realistically, weed doesn't affect people like opiods, meth, heroin and alcohol, but it does impair the brain, slows the reflexes and can cause both a mental as well as a physical addiction. Also, coming off of weed does not carry the horrid side effects of coming off drugs like meth or alcohol, but there is a craving and it takes a bit of work to get completely clean. It also stays in your system longer than other drugs as it stores in your fat cells which you often have more of with long term weed use. Passing a drug test "legally" can be a little more challenging.

I have long heard that weed is a "gateway" drug. My previous understanding of "gateway" was that once you used weed and found yourself dependent on it, eventually it wouldn't be enough of a "high" for you and you would move on to more potent drugs. While I still believe that for some this is the case, my understanding of "gateway" since watching my son and several of his friends go down this path, is much different.

A good percentage of addicts do start out with weed and there are two kinds of weed users. The first kind are the kind who go to a party, hang with friends and on occasions will take a hit just to kick back and have fun. This type of weed smoker hardly ever buys it for themselves and eventually grows tired of both weed and the people who actively use it daily and either never uses it again or very rarely uses throughout the rest of their lives. These people usually have higher self-esteem are motivated and have been taught to face life head on.

The second kind is the kind who have always felt like a fish out of water. Perhaps they have been bullied or see themselves as less than others. By smoking weed, they feel they have elevated their social status and feel more accepted in social circles...... and big bonus, every time they use, they feel better about life. These are the ones who tend to get caught up in the using of weed as an escape. When using, the world is as they want it to be. When they aren't, they become overwhelmed, anxious and in a lot of cases unable to try and take life on unmedicated.

The gateway part of it has much more to do with the people on the fringe who are watching these would-be potheads. I am referring to dealers and those who see these beautiful, scared and insecure souls as money in their pocket. These unwitting kids are a type and there are many shady people who will get these kids hooked and use them as mules, runners and fall guys for drug deals and other illicit business dealings, keeping them in drugs and keeping them hooked with the belief that there is no way out. To me, this is the real danger and the true gateway of getting involved with weed. It is the culture of drugs, starting with weed and working it's way into full blown addiction with the likes of meth, heroin and pills. I have seen it with my own eyes and it is scary as hell. Don't tell me that weed is not a gateway drug! 

So yes, in my opinion weed is a drug that if not addictive in itself, can be the pathway for many more deadly drugs and a life of addiction and pain. Of course not everyone who uses weed becomes addicted, just like not everyone who uses meth, heroin, cocaine or drinks becomes addicted. However, enough have that it is viewed as illegal in many states and because of its brain altering affects is viewed as one of the top 10 drugs that people go to rehab for.

My final thoughts....if you have used pot or any drug for that matter, and walked away with no desire to use again, count yourself lucky. That is your story, but just because it is your story doesn't mean that it is everyone's. For every five that walks away, there is at least one who gets caught up and falls into addiction....and for every 10 that fall into addiction, at least one does not make it out alive. So while this may not be your story, this is my story. I watched my son fall down the rabbit hole with just weed and before any of us knew it, he was shooting up meth and handing his life over to addiction. As a mom and grandma, I will never look at it as just weed again....and.....this is why I am no fan of weed.

Until next time......

For Today.....I am Grateful

Yesterday was a good day. I had lunch with my son (my Christmas gift to him) and I was happy to see him looking well. He is off the streets and working on his sobriety and his life. He said it has been six weeks since he last used.

As a mom, I was so glad to see his eyes clear and his conversation coherent. He told me that he knew his brain had a ways to go to be recovered from his years of use, but everyday he felt more "normal." He even said that he was starting to do "normal" things like watching the news and watching TV in general. As an addict, he never had the attention span nor the desire to watch TV. He was always too busy wheeling and dealing and chasing that next high.

For the first time in a very long time, my son talked of gratitude. He talked about how grateful he was to have a bed and blankets at night. He had spent close to a year on the streets and beds and blankets were few and far between in that life. Gratitude for the small things.....it's a start.

I could tell by his conversation and his actions and attitude that it had definitely been a while since he last used, and I too found much to be grateful for. As the mother of an addict though, the reality of his addiction is never too far from my mind and I am painfully aware that he is just one hit or one injection away from another relapse. Even if this time he stays clean, he will be fighting a lifelong battle with a demon that is just laying in wait to take him down again if he is feeling weak, bad, too good or just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's the reality that both he and I have to live with for the rest of our days.

Al-Anon has taught me to be grateful for the moment. I am grateful in this moment, as yesterday I got a glimpse of the funny, smart and loving young man I raised. His smile was real and his presence was easy. He wasn't trying to hide anything....in that moment....and that moment was all that mattered.

Of course I hope and pray like crazy that this time my son is stronger than his addiction. I pray that he goes to meetings and not only stays sober, but learns why he started using in the beginning and how to stay away from those things that trigger him.

By getting clean, my son has had to turn his back on the only life he has known for the last few years. It was full of people, places and things that fed his addiction and kept him weak. Until recently, even living on the streets, he has had the attitude of "better the devil you know." To turn his back on what he knew and move himself into the scary unknown of sobriety, I give him huge props. I am so unbelievably proud of him.

It sucks as a parent, to have a child who has made such an accomplishment as six weeks sober, and yet not feel completely able to rejoice, but then that is my failing, not his. So for today.....I am happy and oh so grateful to see my beautiful son fighting and winning at sobriety. What he does tomorrow and in all the days to come is between him and God, but for today.....I am grateful. 

Liar! Liar!

What most of us don't realize as we step inside a Al-Anon meeting for the first time is that we are already in the process of working our 1st of the Twelve Steps of Al-Anon. We admit that we are powerless over alcohol/addiction-that our lives had become unmanageable. Truly, that is why most of us show up that first time. If the exact words of step #1 had not already formed in our head, at the very least as a family member or friend of an alcoholic/addict, we were at our wits end and life had become out of control and unmanageable and we had no place to go but up. I know that was certainly the case for me. I also literally was desperate to know that there was possibly a light at the end of the tunnel and the only way I would be convinced of this was to be around and talk to other people who had traveled this road I was on and who more importantly....... had survived it. 

I learned very quickly that my son might be an addict, but in my own way, I was just as sick and messed up as he was. Learning that I was a controlling, enabling mom who manipulated, plotted, planned and lied my way through my addicts bad behavior was quite a shocker to me. It also helped to put into perspective how my life had become so unmanageable. It wasn't all on him. It made me take the focus off his bad behaviors and put it squarely on my own. Another shocking fact to me was that some of the behaviors I despised most in him, he  had apparently come by rightly. One of the most striking was the lying.

If you had asked me before I started going to Al-Anon if I was an honest person, I would have looked you straight in the eye and told you that "Yes, I'm definitely an honest person." Sadly I would also have honestly believed I was telling the truth, all the while, lying through my teeth. The fact was that I had become just as proficient a liar as my addict was. I lied for him and about him to literally everyone. I guess because I felt that my motives were pure (protecting my addicts reputation, image and in some cases relationships) and because of this, they were "acceptable" lies. Nope....no such thing. This was just a way that I mentally manipulated myself into being okay with the person that I was becoming.....a liar. 

Then came the day that I was sitting in an Al-Anon meeting and listening to some innocuous share, when suddenly I sat up straight and realized what a liar I had become. I despised being lied to and by extension, I hated liars. It was so disheartening to realize that I had become that which I hated most. I was soon to learn though to be gentle with myself and not to be too self-deprecating as lying is just one of the many tricks in the bag of an enabling mom...or any enabler for that matter. Because I was so good at "fixing" everything for my addict, this meant doing whatever it took to keep the world from knowing what was really going on behind closed doors and protecting him from the consequences of his bad behaviors. So I lied.

Lying can weigh extremely heavy on a person. It did on me. The more lies I told, the more lies I felt I needed to tell. It is exhausting when lying becomes your life. I was lying to family members and to friends. Every lie centered around my addict but they began to take on a life of their own and become detrimental to my own soul. I hated lying and more and more the justifications I created for my lies became less and less acceptable.....even to me. After all, you can only make so many excuses for the "new" holes in your walls and doors, his telling people he will be somewhere and never showing up and his angry outbursts aimed at anyone in his path. It eventually just becomes too much when you begin to realize that no one buys your lies anymore and you start to lose people in your world because they don't know why you are lying.....they just know you are. It sucked.

I think one of the most soul healing and peaceful days of my life was when I realized that I was not responsible for protecting my addict from his behaviors, his addiction or himself anymore. It was the most freeing feeling to know that I didn't have to lie for him because his actions and attitudes were on him, not me. It was also pretty awesome to be able to go to a meeting and admit what a liar I had been and not have anyone look at me with shock or disgust, but more with total understanding. They had all been there in some form or another and they knew that you can't enable without lying. The truth is that one of the biggest parts of enabling is...... lying to ourselves and others. 

Sadly, lying can become a habit and I had done if for so long, that it became a knee jerk reaction when it was something having to do with or about my addict. I still catch myself from time to starting to spin a tale, but then I stop. There is no reason to and no purpose in it. My addicts life and story are now his own. He no longer needs my embellishments....and with that, the tale ends there.

Living with an addict and being the parent of an addict is a hard road that leaves destruction and devastation in its path. Family members and friends can quickly and easily become people we don't even recognize if we aren't careful. Al-Anon has put a mirror to my face and helped me to see who I really am as opposed to who I thought I was. It has given me the tools to get honest and acknowledge what I was doing and accept the fact that I was becoming the absolute worst version of myself. With that acceptance, it also made me free to choose whether to continue on down the soul crushing road I was on or to put the focus on myself and change the only thing in this life I can.....ME!

Today, while far from perfect, I find myself liking the wildly imperfect person I am and enjoying my day by day and sometimes minute by minute progress to finding my best self. Without Al-Anon, I don't think I would have ever been able to be self aware enough to see my slow self destruction, let alone have been strong enough to admit it. Today is a much better day and while I still struggle and fall back instead of moving forward from time to time, at the end of the day, I recognize the missteps and have the tools and abilities to set myself back on track. Just for today......I am good.

Until next time.......

Why Al-Anon?

I am a huge proponent of Al-Anon because it has made such a difference in my life. I live the program and my own recovery everyday and because of this, people want to know more.

Alcoholism and addiction are running rampant in our country and in 2017 it was believed that over 49 million people had an addiction to alcohol and over 65 million had and addiction to some form of street or prescription drugs. These numbers even overlapped in many cases as there were a great number of dual addicts out there too. This means that for every alcoholic and/or addict, there is at least one (and usually several more than that) family members or close friends dealing with that addict/alcoholic. Their lives are quickly becoming out of control, unmanageable and bordering on the brink of dangerous and even life threatening. They need to know that there is help out there for them. Al-Anon is that help.

This blog is a list of the most asked questions asked about Al-Anon and their answers. If after you read this, you would like to know more, please comment in the comment section after the blog or call the numbers at the bottom of the page.

                                                               Al-Anon Q&A

What is Al-Anon? By definition, it is a mutual support group that helps family and friends of problem drinkers better known as alcoholics. In its early stages, families and a few friends of alcoholics were pretty much the only ones in attendance at these meetings. As the world of addictive behaviors grew, Al-Anon opened themselves up to families and friends of other forms of addictions also. Each addiction whether it is drugs, sex, gambling and so on all have addiction specific groups available, but often depending where you live, these addiction specific groups are not always available. Because the groups steps and traditions are pretty much the same across the board, Al-Anon meetings can be for the family and friends of pretty much any addiction.

So who's in charge? No one and everyone are in charge. Al-Anon is unique in the fact that money, social standing, job status, or any other usual hierarchy have no affect on leadership. It is an anonymous group of people from all walks of life with the same goal.....to regain their sanity and their life after their addict or alcoholic has imploded it. With this common need and goal, every individual in the group is equal in power. Each member takes turns leading meetings and any business having to do with that particular group is decided equally among the group. I know of no other group that handles business in this way.

Why don't I hear about Al-Anon? While Al-Anon usually has meetings posted via flyer in churches, city buildings, counseling offices and other community places, there is no mainstream media blitzes on it. You can usually find a meeting if you look online for your city and state with an accompanying address and phone number and many learn about Al-Anon by word of mouth, but there are few commercials out there and very little press on it. Al-Anon basically flies under the radar because it is an anonymous group and media attention would hurt the anonymity. Also Al-Anon doesn't align itself with political, religious or any other groups of any kind (other than AA).

What happens at an Al-Anon meeting? People that attend their first Al-Anon meeting might be very surprised when walking through those doors the first time. The other members are always kind and welcoming. You will be asked your first name, but unless you choose to, you don't have to do another thing but listen. The meetings usually run an hour long and they are conducted by a member reading the opening at the beginning and the closing at the end. There is also usually recital of the 12 steps and sometimes one or all of the Traditions, the Serenity prayer at the beginning and the Our Father at the end. In between the opening and the ending, a topic for that meeting is picked and those in attendance share either on that topic or if they need to share about something else....that is perfectly okay too. No one over talks, interrupts, nor comments on what you share about. While people usually share at these meetings, most find that they get more from listening to others than they do speaking.

Is this a religious group? No. While the 12 Steps are based on a Higher Power, it is up to each individual to decide who or what their Higher Power is. Some find that the group in general is their Higher Power, some find it in the program and some of course find their Higher Power to be God. Al-Anon is also affiliated with no religion or religious sect and there is no talk of religion during the meetings.

So what can Al-Anon do for me? Al-Anon will give to you as much as you put into it. In other words, if you are to the point in your life with your alcoholic or addict that you find yourself powerless over your addict and his/her choices and you feel like your world has been turned upside down and made to feel a bit insane and you want this all to change, working the Al-Anon program will turn all of this around. Al-Anon does not try to fix the alcoholic or addict, because they can't. No one can. What Al-Anon can do though is to teach you to focus on you. It will give you tools that will help when you are living with, communicating with or just dealing with your addict. Al-Anon helps to calm the frantic waters of worry and stress and also helps to curb our need to fix and control our addict. You will learn very quickly that you have no control over anyone but you....not even your addict. You will also learn the three C's: "I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it." In a very short time you will be seeing your situation, and even your addict through much different eyes and before you know it, you will actually find some peace and serenity whether your addict/alcoholic chooses to get clean and sober or not. You also find people willing to listen whether at the meeting or outside the meeting as a list of phone numbers for times of need are given out.

Are there online Al-Anon groups? There are online Al-Anon groups and I would encourage you to supplement your recovery with them BUT, if possible, I would highly suggest finding a local meeting and to go as often as you can, along with reading Al-Anon approved literature.

Is there a national Al-Anon number that I can call for local meetings and more information? Yes.
Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters            1-800-356-9996
Al-Anon National Hotline                              1-800-342-2437

So here you have it. Some of the most asked questions about Al-Anon.

Please if you or someone you know has a close friend or family member dealing with an alcoholic or addict and they need help, please point them in the direction of Al-Anon. There are meetings going on 24/7 nationally and internationally. Al-Anon works if you work it and you are worth it!

Until next time.......

I Accept Acceptance

The last six months of 2018, I believe the theme of my life was and in 2019 continues to be....acceptance. It is funny how such a common word has become another crucial verb in my life as I travel forward on this journey of my sons addiction and my own recovery.

In our new and improved politically correct society, acceptance is a word we hear a lot. We must accept this and we must accept that. People drone on about it doing very little to back up their words (in my humble opinion) and it just becomes blah blah, blah in our heads. Well, I'm here to tell you that without acceptance, you can't move forward and you will stay stuck.

My first true understanding of what acceptance really means was when I was not only confronted with but proven to, beyond a reasonable doubt that my son was a meth addict. Gone was any chance of me denying the situation. All that was left was acceptance. No....it did not mean that I was throwing in the towel and giving into the unacceptable. What it meant was that I was realizing the facts of the situation and accepting that while I was denying and fighting against the reality, my son was becoming and now was a full fledged addict. That is true acceptance when you understand and fully believe the facts laid before you.

The next step in acceptance hit me not long after the realization of his addiction. It came after I had run myself ragged for several weeks believing whole heartedly that somehow I could control the situation, his addiction and him. Suddenly, I was once again hit squarely in the face with the realization that I had zero control over any of it. Again with the facts.... my son was an addict and he didn't even have control over his addiction so how the hell could I possibly have any control over any of it? The situation was beyond anyone's control at this point and being that my son was legally an adult, he legally had the right to make bad choices and screw up his life and I had no control over any of it. Acceptance #2 had hit me full force. I had no control and I was totally powerless over any of it. 

Acceptance really began to domino when I walked into Al-Anon. The facts started flying at me hard and fast with every meeting I attended. Little fun facts such as, I was not a victim, but that I was however an enabler started rearing their ugly heads. I needed to change myself because I was never going to change him and the biggest moment of acceptance thus far has been, I need to mind my own business and focus on me. For REAL??? How do you take a mom who has been focused on her kids their entire life and tell her to just knock it off? And further more....how do you tell her that any control she had "prided" herself on in the past had just been an illusion since her child turned about 12. I truly wasn't sure I was up for this whole acceptance thing.

The great thing about Al-Anon is that even though the information and the realizations come at you hard and fast, especially at first, no one forces them down your throat. In each meeting they tell you to take what you like from the meeting and leave the rest. In other words, if something helps you....run with it. On the other hand, if you don't like what you hear, that's fine too. So as I was getting these glimpses of the real facts and not just the facts according to me, I slowly realized that I had to accept them, both the good and the bad.

What I think I have learned the most about acceptance is that in life and especially in addiction, we run from facts a lot of the time. We hide in denial and live in a fake world of our own creation. Eventually though, the facade fails us and the truth and reality seep in. You can try and continue to run and deny and make your world a twisted and complex tale, or you can face fact, accept things as they truly are and deal with them from that point forward. Not only does this simplify the world immensely, but it also gives you freedom of choice.

I learned that when I was willing to accept the facts, then I was also free to make a choice as to how I wanted to deal with them. An example was when I finally and fully realized that my son had no desire at that point in his life to get off the streets and get clean. Up to that point I had been masterminding, manipulating and trying my hardest to control the entire situation. I was literally making myself sick and driving myself to the brink of insanity repeating the same things over and over again, expecting different results. When I finally accepted that my son currently was who he was and that this was the life he was choosing for himself and I had no control over it, then that acceptance freed me up to make a choice. I could either continue running myself ragged with no positive outcome OR I could let him make his own choices (which hard as it was for me to "accept" were his to make) and start focusing on myself and getting myself healthy and less insane. Thankfully for everyone involved, I chose the latter.

The bottom line is, acceptance is not easy because it makes a person look reality straight in the eye and sometimes, reality ain't pretty. Once I did this though, I found a peace in the respect that I was no longer wrapped up in denial or the lies and complexities that go with denial. I no longer felt trapped either as I now had the freedom to make my own choices and focus on what was best for me, which in turn turned out to be best for all in my hemisphere. I saw a difference in all my relationships, especially with my other kids, when I no longer felt the need to express my opinion on their lives and their choices. With my addict son, I also saw a change, because once I accepted who he is, I made the choice to draw my boundary lines and also to quit constantly reminding him how his addiction was ruining his life. He knew he was ruining his life and me constantly reminding him, helped no one.

So today, I am grateful for acceptance. It has changed the way I think, feel and act in just about every situation in my life. I feel free to choose what is best for me and I no longer spend sleepless nights worried about others choices and my opinions of them. The fact is, I am a handful all on my own and if I continue to put as much effort into my own life as I have tried to put into everyone elses, then 2019 could quite possibly be my best year to date....and I whole heartedly accept that!

Until next time......