Expectations Are Not Our Friend

It is interesting that when I finally gave in an joined Al-Anon, I latched on to several things right off the bat. The first thing was "detaching with love," which I don't think I had ever heard of before Al-Anon. That was just crazy talk. Parents didn't detach, they held on for dear life and enabled.....right? I had no idea what this detaching with love was or how to do it, but once it was explained to me, it made perfect sense. 

The second thing I grabbed a hold of like a life line, was the concept of "boundaries" as up until that moment, I had absolutely zero boundaries and therefore, my addict was walking all over me and using me like a cheap rug. The saying, "We get what we allow," could not be more true.

Finally and maybe the most important thing that really struck a nerve with me and made me re-evaluate everything I had ever thought about and done was the concept of "expectations," and that is what I am going to talk about today. 

At each meeting, there is usually a topic presented to be discussed. I think it was maybe my second meeting when I was still very new and trying to take in all that was being talked about, that the topic of "expectations," came up. On the surface and without context, it made little sense to me how this would fit in with myself, my addict and me or this Al-Anon group helping me to fix things. Yes, I was still of the mindset that I had some sort of power to control or fix my addict and his addiction. It took me a couple of more meetings to realize that the only fixing I would be doing was myself. 

Expectations though, are common. We all have them. We expect our spouse to walk through the door at 5:30 p.m. for dinner. We expect our kids to go to school and work hard. We expect the neighbor to keep their dog and his business on their property. What happens though, when our expectations aren't met? When our spouse doesn't walk in the door at 5:30 and hasn't called, when our kid doesn't work so hard at school and brings home a failing grade or when the neighbors dog does in fact use our yard as his own private toilet? Do you feel angry, upset, disappointed, scared, and a host of other emotions that have both a negative effect on you and a negative effect on the person whom you put your expectations on in the first place?   

Expectations are pesky little creatures and they can work their way into situations and cause a whole lot more harm than good. How? Because expectations are our pre-conceived notions about how something should be, how someone else should act, and how we want something to turn out. Very seldom do those in our lives, addict or otherwise, consistently live up to our expectations. Furthermore, our expectations are usually not based in reality. They are based in a fantasy of how we "think" things should be and often, others are not able, nor do they want to live up to our fantastical idea of how we have decided it should all turn out. 

The worst thing about expectations though, are that they almost always leave us disappointed. When I would have the expectation that my addict should/could/would want to get clean and not live on the street, and then he would turn around and make no effort to get clean or leave the streets, I would be disappointed to the point of devastation. It made no sense to me. This usually led me to letting him know just how disappointed I really was, throwing verbal guilt darts at him, which did in fact make him feel guilty and worthless because in the moment, he couldn't be or do what I wanted him to. My expectations and the resulting disappointment helped nothing. It took me a while to realize that what made sense to me, didn't make the same sense to someone who was an active drug user and whose brain had been affected by said drugs. He no longer thought as a non-drug user. He thought as an addict and that can be some really non-sensical thinking.  

I believed or expected that wanting to get clean was a no brainer. It only made sense to me, that being clean would always trump living and using on the streets. The reality though, was that my addict was just that.....an addict and because of that, he thought, felt, acted and reacted like an addict. Addicts want one thing and one thing only.....drugs. They want them when and how they want them and the streets provide them with that. They can't conceive of a world where they can't do their drug of choice and any suggestion that they might go to detox and get clean is shear madness to their drug addicted brain. In other words, he had no ability or desire to live up to my expectations and in turn, my expectations were ridiculous given what we were dealing with. 

Once the realization that expectations are a deterrent to both my program and his chance at sobriety finally set in, I began to understand that my expectations of others and not just my addict were often unobtainable and regardless of who they were aimed at, the end result was likely going to be guilt on their part and disappointment on mine. It was a viscous cycle that helped nothing and didn't move the relationship or the process along at all. Then I started thinking about how much I not only expected out of others, but also myself, and even inanimate situations. I was nothing but one big ball of unattainable and unattained expectations which made me miserable with everyone and everything all the time. 

Then there came a day, when I put all my expectations away. I was going to meet my addict for lunch and always before I would have some form of expectation which usually didn't come to pass within the first few minutes, leaving me unhappy and him uncomfortable and then what time we did have together, was just wasted. This day though, I made up my mind that I didn't care how he looked, what he said, or even if he cut our time short. All I was interested in was spending some time with him whether that be five minutes or an hour. 

When I picked him up, I smiled and told him he looked nice and that I loved him. I asked him no questions but told him that I was glad to see him. For awhile he was quiet as I am sure he was wondering who is this crazy woman and what has she done with my mother? 

After a bit though, he seemed to relax and he volunteered some information about what he had been doing and where he had been staying. I made no comments and I didn't allow my face to reveal anything but a smile. We ended up spending about 90 minutes together and not once did we fight, nor did I feel disappointment and thus, he had no reason to feel guilt. Before he got out, he thanked me and told me he loved me. Hmmmm......so they were right at Al-Anon. The program does work if you work it! 

From that day forward, I learned that as bad as his addiction affected us, my expectations were just as lethal and were certainly not the ticket to making either one of us better. It was a lesson I still pull from in so many different situations today. I realized that my expectations had always outweighed the reality of what was achievable in my families lives. And not even so much achievable, but I had expectations of what I wanted for and from my kids, that would never be met because what I expected from their lives, was not in fact what they even wanted. Yeah......deep...deep....lessons. 

Now a days, when I hear someone say how disappointed they are with their own addict or even their spouse or kids, I gently bring up expectations and my own experiences, and nine times out of ten, I will see a lightbulb come on above their head. You just know they are thinking about their own expectations and how often that they too have been left frustrated and disappointed. It's not rocket science and when you get down to it, it just makes perfect sense. To have expectations sets us up for nothing more than feeling frustration and disappointment. If we can't control anyone but ourselves, then what makes us think that it is okay to have expectations for anyone but ourselves? 

Al-Anon has taught me so much about my own behaviors and how toxic they could be. More than that though, Al-Anon has given me tools to avoid and change those behaviors and to replace them with positive, constructive and productive ones. They have helped me to realize just how much I had to change me...and funny thing, when I changed me, others seemed to see the change and then they made changes too....this included my addict. 

Addiction is a destructive thing and it takes down everything in it's path. It destroys relationships and families and takes us from being semi-normal, thoughtful people, to at times, crazed lunatics with unrealistic thoughts and expectations. Al-Anon though, can help us to remove the craziness and the expectations and show us that regardless of whether our addict gets clean or not, we still have our own lives to live and that can be done in a healthy way that might even bring us a little happiness along the line. 

If you have an addict in your life and you feel powerless and need help to find your way back to sanity, find your nearest Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meeting and go. What do you have to lose.....other than expectations, frustrations, disappointments and the shear lunacy of it all? If you can't find a meeting, then feel free to contact me either through my email lelam3@sbcglobal.net or in the comments down below. 

Until next time, stay healthy, stay happy, expect nothing and most of all remember,.....the program works if you work it!

The First Time and Step #1

 There is a lot that goes into taking that first step inside an Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meeting and for ease of understanding and me writing this, I will refer to Al-Anon/Nar-Anon going forward as Al-Anon only. I went to Al-Anon many years ago at the request of my husband. When we met, he was three years clean and sober and he felt me going to Al-Anon would help me to understand addiction a bit better. The problem was that I had never known him as an active addict, nor had I knowingly known any addict, so I had no understanding of Al-Anon or what those attending the meeting were going through. I went to a few meetings, but it sadly meant little to me at the time. 

Jump ahead 20+ years, and Al-Anon was reintroduced into my consciousness. I fought it like the plague. Every time it was mentioned by friends, healthcare workers or counselors, I felt my body physically recoil and a wall went up immediately. I think my biggest issue with Al-Anon was that to agree to go, I had to agree there was a problem, and I was still so deeply in denial, that I just wouldn't. 

It wasn't until my RAS was so out of control and I was so at my wits end and out of solutions, that I was willing to try anything, that I was willing to revisit the idea of Al-Anon. I wasn't eating, sleeping or even functioning as a human being anymore. My own actions had gotten manipulative and crazy and I could no longer deny that addiction was damaging my family and slowly destroying my body, mind and soul. Up until this point, everyone in the free world could see what was going on but me. Finally the day came, after an intense situation at the counselors office where my RAS had a verbal and almost physical meltdown and police were called, that I realized that I was in way over my head. I know I must have looked so out of my element,  and the counselor took me aside and said, "It's time. You need Al-Anon." The fight was gone in me. I was exhausted and I had no answers, so maybe Al-Anon could tell me how to fix this. All of my own efforts to this point had been in vain, so maybe they could help. 

As I have stated before, stepping into that meeting that first time was nothing that I expected and everything that I needed. I walked in with the intention of letting the world know how my RAS had wronged me and asking how I could fix him. I walked out knowing that no one had wronged me, and that the only one I could fix was me. Who knew? I didn't even know I needed fixed! Looking back though, I soooooo needed fixed!!!

In that first meeting, in that first hour, maybe the best hour of my life, I learned that I was not alone, I was no crazier than anyone else with an active addict in their life and that while I had no control over my addict, his actions or choices, I had complete control over myself, my actions and my choices. Nothing was going to change or get better in my life until I took control of me, and surrendered everything else to my Higher Power. 

Now I know that one excuse a lot of people give about not wanting to join Al-Anon, is because of "the Higher Power," talk. Many don't believe in God or at the very least are on the fence about God, so bringing Him in to all of this is difficult for them. Since God has always been a part of my life, this was not an issue for me, but I did in fact sit around a table with a lot of people, who maybe didn't all believe in God, but they had grasped the idea of a power greater than themselves. They were fully aware that in this battle of  facing the addiction of someone they loved, this was way out of their pay grade. They had done everything "they "could, but nothing worked. So yes, they were willing to turn this all over to the Higher Power that made sense to them. Whether it was person or spirit, they knew that there was something greater than they were and they were willing to surrender all of it to Him, because they were at their own rock bottom. 

There are no hard and fast rules in Al-Anon except for anonymity, no cross talk, and no political or business affiliations. Meetings and information are based on a "take what you like and leave the rest," policy. In other words, there are Steps, Traditions, Concepts, sponsors, shares and literature and all can be used and worked as part of your individual program, or you can just sit there, listen and share if you like. However, the more you work the program and use all of the above, the quicker things start to change.....for the better. 

The first thing I heard at my first meeting, aside from the fact that I was no martyr and the only one I could fix was me, was the First Step. Knowing I was new, I was loaded up with books and literature, which I was grateful for and which I use to this day, but the kindest thing was that someone took me aside and explained the Steps to me and introduced Step #1 to me. 

In the building of anything, you need a really good foundation. This is the same with building a new life through the Al-Anon Steps. Each Step builds upon itself, and yet, you don't have to work the Steps in order. If like me though, you need order, and you can't go all willy nilly and start with Step #5, then taking them in order is just fine, as each Step prepares you for the next. There is also no set time to work on a Step, but I usually just know when I think I am ready to move on. There have been times though, that I am wrong and I have gone clear back to Step #1, just to get my baring's again. 

So what is this important foundation Step? Just what is Step #1? 

Step #1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/addiction-that our lives had become unmanageable.  

This Step spoke to me like no other. I had tried everything to fix my addict and our situation and nothing worked. My life was unmanageable to the point that in some ways, I was just as sick as my addict was. 

I don't think anyone can come to Al-Anon and not be brought to their knees with the power of those words. This hits home with anyone who has suffered through watching someone they love become an addict and lose huge pieces of who they were. Anyone who has looked at their addict and realized that they no longer even recognize the person that they once knew. And anyone who has lied, manipulated and torn their world upside down and inside out just to protect their addict, all the while, denying that their addict has a problem that they/you can't fix. 

That day at the counselors office, when I was in shock over his behaviors, when I had no answers and when the police had to intervene, that counselor knew that I was powerless over this addiction and over my addict. My life was so unmanageable as it played out for the world to see and she knew I needed Al-Anon. 

In the almost 3 years since I joined Al-Anon, I have come back to Step #1 many times and it hasn't all been about my RAS's addiction. The funny thing about the Steps is that they come in handy in many situations in life. I have learned that I have zero power over most things in life and that is when I hand it to my Higher Power. I can only control myself, my actions and my reactions and even with them, I still need help from time to time from my Higher Power. 

In a way, it is rather freeing to know that I don't have to take the weight of the world on my shoulders. I can't fix people or change them and I am not responsible for the choices they make (good or bad) nor the actions they put forth...again, good or bad. Also, knowing that I have my Higher Power to turn to when things get overwhelming, out of control and unmanageable gives me peace of body, mind and soul. 

Step #1 is my go to step when things bother me, when I start thinking that I am my own Higher Power and have more control than I do, or when I start to feel out of control. It pulls me back and gives me clarity of who I am and just what I can control and am responsible for. I am grateful for it every single day. 

So this is a little peak into the Steps of Al-Anon. They actually follow pretty closely with the AA/NA steps. They are a light in the darkness of addiction and a bit of sanity in this insane world. 

If you have an addict in your life and you are feeling out of your element, powerless or out of control, maybe Al-Anon can help you too. If you need more information about Al-Anon/Nar-Anon or need help finding a meeting near you, please get in touch with me lelam3@sbcglobal.net or leave a message in the comments below. 

Until next time. Find a meeting. Work your program. It works if you work it!

Two Years and Two Percent

It appears at this stage of my life, I am always a day late and a dollar short. I spend most days behind, the moment I get out of bed, so it should be no shock that I did not do a timely post and mention of my RAS's two year sobriety day, which occurred on April 13, 2021, but better late than never....here it is. 

As a parent, this day was both a miraculous wonder, and reminder that not every addict makes it this far and even when they do, it doesn't mean addiction can never happen again. No, this is not me being Debbie Downer. This in fact is me being Realistic Ruth. That being said, I am so proud of him and all that he has accomplished. In fact, in the process of his recovery, in this last year, he also gave up smoking and vaping. These are all such difficult things to do, and yet he has found the inner strength to do it. His strength truly amazes me. 

God can be an interesting fellow, as at times He gently keeps me rooted in reality in mysterious ways,  whether I want to be or not. As I was going through my already mixed up emotions about this sobriety date and fluctuating between such relief that I no longer am the mom that has to wonder if my son is cold, safe, sick, dying or dead because of his addiction, and the reality that addiction is always just one bad moment, choice, or thought away from being "active" again, a Facebook picture stopped me in my tracks. 

I am part of several Al-Anon/Nar-Anon groups on Facebook, as well as some other groups dealing with addiction. One in particular is "The Addicts Diary." It gives a view into the lives of recovering addicts and their journeys. For the parents, spouses, children and friends of those with addiction, this page/group is immensely helpful and shows that there is always hope, even in the darkest moments of addiction. It was on this page that I saw a picture of a tattoo. It was on someone's hand, and it simply said, "2%". The captioning explained that only 2% of all methamphetamine addicts stay clean for life. Being that my RAS is only two years in and basically a newborn in terms of clean years, and knowing that he has many, many years left of "life" with ups and downs, pain, sorrow and joys, this caught me up quickly. Will he be able to fight through the downs, pain and sorrow, and stay clean, so that he can be around for the ups and joys? Then I remembered, my son is strong, he quit meth, weed, all drugs, alcohol and nicotine. These are some of life's toughest substances. He is strong, he has a program, and he has his Higher Power, so my money is on my son. So just maybe, he will be that 2%. My heart and soul relaxed a bit. 

Now the interesting part where God relaxed my heart even further. My RAS, who like his mother, likes tattoos, was discussing tattoos with me a couple of day's ago. I had just gotten another tattoo, so the subject was fresh on our minds when he said, "I have found my next tattoo." Not knowing what band name or video game symbol he was going to blurt out next, he simply said, "I am getting '2%". I almost choked. I could feel tears well up and he asked me if I knew what it meant. I told him that I did. While his taste in tattoo's are certainly not mine, his tattoos each have meaning to him, from childhood memories to things that touch his soul, so I have no doubt, the 2% tattoo will be a lasting reminder to him that being in that 2% is literally the difference between life and death. 

Yes, his sobriety at times is a double edged sword for me and it can invoke worry. That is when I know that I need to direct my attention back to myself and let him live his life. Most days though, I am able to remember that no matter how trying the day, I can stop and look at all that I have to be grateful for. In whatever moment I am in, I am blessed. In this moment, I am good. I have no control over tomorrow, but right now, life is just pretty okay. I guess that is why we focus on one day at a time. 

On another note, after my last blog here, I had several people reach out to me who have family members that are in active addiction and they asked that I write more on the subject of being the parent of an addict. Most had no idea that I even had a blog about this or a RAS. 

It is my belief that as a member of Al-Anon/Nar-Anon, that service to others is my duty and perhaps this blog can be of some service. So I have decided in honor of my RAS's two year anniversary of sobriety and in an effort to give back and be of service, that I am going to try and give this blog a little more attention and to tell more of my story as an addicts mother. This in no way though, is a replacement for finding yourself an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon group, sponsor and working a program. My blog is not to tell you what to do in your life, it simply will be a narration of what I have done, pre Al-Anon and since Al-Anon in my life. 

I want you to know too, that I am always here to answer any questions about Al-Anon that I can or simply just to talk, because nothing is more lonely or more scary than loving someone with an addiction and not knowing where to turn as well as feeling like you are the only one going through it. Trust me, you are not. You can always get in touch with me in the comments below or you can email me at lelam3@sbcglobal.net. I check my emails daily. 

So for today, in this moment, all is good, I am blessed, and yes.....two years is definitely something to celebrate. 

Until next time, find that program and work that program. It works if you work it. 

Stepping Back and Looking Forward With My Al-Anon/Nar-Anon Journey

 It has been awhile. I hope this finds you all healthy and forward looking into the spring. For those of you reading who may have forgotten, from 2014 through the first part of April 2019, I went through every parents nightmare. My son is an addict and through those years, he was in active addiction and my world was a series of upheavals, lies and dramas. It was one of the darkest periods in my life and quite honestly, I didn't know if I would survive. 

Jump ahead to April 1, 2021. My son or for ease of acknowledgement and his privacy, my RAS (my recovering addict son) will in just a few days, have been clean for two years. It has gone by so quickly, but not without bumps and bruises and a great deal of learning in the process. So today, I am stepping back and looking forward at my journey thus far. 

If you also remember, in 2018, I found Al-Anon/Nar-Anon. Truthfully, I knew of Al-Anon, but I had fought it for years. It wasn't until I hit my own rock bottom as a parent of an addict that I finally relented and went to my first meeting and had I not gone, I don't know whether I would be here writing this today. 

So it has been a long time since I have written here and perhaps you maybe thinking that it is because he is clean and all is well in our world. No more addiction. No more Al-Anon. The world is freaking fantastic. Wrong. I have just compartmentalized a lot and the world kept on turning and I put this blog to the back burner. I am here though today to catch you up. 

Some facts: When there is an addict or alcoholic in your life, you can quickly become as sick as they are. No, you don't have to drink or use to be sick. There are just simply actions and behaviors as well as a mental status that comes into play that make family and friends of addicts (again, I am going to frequently mention "addicts" because that is what my son is, but this also pertains to alcoholics too, even if I don't mention them as much) extremely sick. Because the addict is such a good manipulator, gaslighter and in many cases abuser, those that love them get caught in the trap of trying to help them, which almost always becomes enabling, and allows the addict to use the love and care those close to them have for them, against them. It becomes a viscous cycle of lies, abuse and worry. And when I say "lies", I don't just mean by the addict. The enabler becomes as good a liar as the addict because they have to fix and cover up for the addict and they have to lie to those on the outside looking in who see what is going on. It is a nightmare you feel you won't wake up from and through it all, as much as you love the addict, you start resenting them and literally hating yourself for what you are allowing. This all grows inside to the point of mental and physical breakdown. 

As I have said before, when I went to my first Al-Anon meeting, I went loaded for bear and ready to let the world know that I was a martyr who had put up with all of my addicts abuses and behaviors and I was there to unload and fix him. One hour later, I walked out with a really clear understanding that I was not martyr,  Al-Anon was not going to fix him, and that I was the one who needed fixed. He was an adult completely responsible for his own actions and behaviors and he was even allowed them, whether they were destructive or not. The bottom line is I had no control over him or his addiction, I only had control over me and my actions and reactions. If I needed proof of this, all I had to remember is, that if any parent or loved one of an addict had control over the addict or addiction, then there would be no addicts or addiction. It hit home hard. 

I was totally not prepared to hear that I was at Al-Anon to fix me, not him. Heck, I didn't even know I needed fixed, but that through fixing me, I might just survive this whole ordeal and maybe even make it better for everyone involved....including my addict son. If you would like to read more about my Al-Anon journey in the early days, please read my previous blog entries.

Funny thing, not unlike the addict who just because they are in recovery, doesn't mean they no longer need AA or NA (Alcoholic Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous), the same goes for us Al-Anon and Nar-Anon people. I am just as much in recovery as my RAS is, I am just recovering from the crazy behaviors and attitudes that addiction brought to my life and truthfully.....my own bad choices. Unfortunately, the attack of COVID made addiction much dicier and much more difficult for those using, those recovering, and family members.

In Al-Anon and AA, much of what saves addicts and family members is the face to face meetings and the knowledge that we can hit a meeting anytime one is available. This last year though, meetings became non-existent with the lockdowns, therefore, there was a period of time that we were left to our own devices. This was truly bad news for the active addicts and because of the isolation and mental stress of COVID, the active addict numbers grew exponentially. Sadly, so did the number of deaths due to drugs and overdoses. It has been a grim time for those of us caught in this life. 

Thankfully, zoom AA and Al-Anon meetings have begun popping up all over the place, but most will tell you, they are simply not the same as going to a room filled with those who are kindred spirits in the journey you are on, and being able to for one hour, have that feeling of complete understanding and acceptance. Like everyone else, the last year has been a tough time for me, and I have been grateful for all of my Al-Anon reading and for the Al-Anon/Nar-Anon Facebook pages out there. 

So, if you are scratching your head and wondering why if my son is recovering, that I still need to be so closely involved in Al-Anon, it is simple. Sometimes the scariest part of addiction is when your loved one is in recovery. 

When my son was using, he had become someone I didn't recognize. Gone was my beautiful son with a beautiful heart and soul. He had been replaced by a face and an attitude, I didn't recognize. He was doing and saying things that I never dreamed him capable of and I genuinely feared that I would never even get a glimpse of my "real" son again. That being said though, I had grown to understand as much as possible, the person he had become and I had no expectations of him or his sobriety. (Expectations are killer and only set us and our addicts up for failure).  Once he was clean though, and the drugs began to leave his body and brain, gradually, my beautiful son came back. If possible, he was stronger and kinder than he had been before his addiction, because his life of addiction had taught him a lot of hard earned lessons. He laughed again, talked again and was becoming a really great person. So what's the problem? Expectations and fears. I fought them but I couldn't help but have expectations try to rear their ugly heads every now and then,  and then there was the fear that once I had him back, that I might lose him again, and that his need for drugs might outweigh his need for sobriety. It was literally terrifying. He had already had so many relapses over the years, and I prayed daily that this would not be another one. The difference this time though, was that he was working a program and through that, he was gaining tools and relationships that if used, could get him through the rough times.....and yes, there are many rough times for the addict, especially in the beginning. 

For me though, I had/sometimes still have, my own little PTSD, where I have nightmares that he is using again. There are places in the city where I almost get physically sick driving through, as they are places I would pick him up or take him to when he was using. I also see all of the relationships that he has worked so hard to repair and the people that love him so, and there are times that I start worrying about things that I shouldn't. This is when I need my meetings most and the reminder that I have no control over his choices (good or bad) and therefore, I have to focus on what I can control and work on, giving myself both physical and mental health with the tools and relationships that Al-Anon provides me. Al-Anon does that for me and for millions more like me, so not having the regular meetings and the long held comfortable relationships can be rather daunting at times. Thank God for all that Al-Anon gave me before the pandemic.

The sun is out today. The weather is warming into spring and God willing, we are about to flatten the COVID curve into nothingness. Perhaps now, I will be able to find my way back into the comfort of my regular meetings and my regular people. 

Addiction is a horrid nightmare for all involved. Going it alone can destroy a person, so if you have a friend or loved one who is an addict or alcoholic and you need help, please contact your nearest Al-Anon or Nar-Anon group. The meetings are anonymous and I promise you, go a few times and you will never regret it.