Crazy Insanity

This addiction business is tough stuff. It takes you through terrain we never asked for and that you never dreamed you would enter. Once there though, you experience a roller coaster ride of emotional blackmail, manipulations, lies, and gas lighting that you would think would only be seen in the movies. Unfortunately, the reality is you are now living out your worst nightmares, only you can't wake up. If it helps though, just about everyone who loves an addict has been through it. 

Once you have a few Al-Anon meetings under your belt, you will start hearing a reoccurring comment. "Everyone tells me that I am acting crazy, and I feel like I am going crazy." The truth is, you are acting crazy! It is all part of the insanity of addiction that drags you in and pulls you under before you even realize what is happening. It seems like almost over night, your addict becomes the worlds best manipulative gaslighter and you feel like you are going crazy because you are literally being driven to that point from a direction you never saw it coming from.  

So how does this happen? Part of the issue is, that when you have an addict in your life that you knew prior to their addiction, your own brain can't reconcile the fact that the addict before you is so different from the person you previously knew and loved. That is why it is so easy to make excuses for them and to enable them. In your selective vision, you don't see an addict before you, who would literally steal everything worth stealing from you and lie to your face without an ounce of remorse. If you could actually see that reality, you would never help them or enable them and distance and boundaries would be a breeze. What your confused brain sees though, is the person you raised, or married or who is your parent or friend, who would never hurt you, therefore you must help them, even if that means making excuse for them, lying for them and letting them manipulate you into things you would never in a million years do otherwise. This is where the crazy insanity starts and it just grows from there. This is also why they say that those close to an addict are usually every bit as sick as the addict. 

Addiction changes everything about a person from the way they act to the chemicals in their brain. It can make a once loving and kind individual, turn cold, deceptive, angry and down right dangerous. It can also cause mental illness or accelerate existing mental illness. It also gives the addict a keen and urgent sense of survival, with drugs being their end game. In order to get those drugs, they will lie, beg, steal and play mind games like a pro. They literally will have you questioning things you know for a fact that you have said and done. It is gaslighting at it's finest. Add to that the extreme stress, worry and exhaustion that comes from them up and leaving without a word, making no contact for days on end and not knowing where they are or who they are with, and your own mental status starts breaking down pretty quickly and the craziness just keeps on keeping on. 

I once heard someone at a meeting say that life with an addict is like living in a torture chamber. It's one of the truest statements I have ever heard. The addict can break you so far down that if you aren't careful, you can become a casualty of their addiction before they do. 

Another part of the insanity is that when you love an addict, you have a misguided belief that you MUST stand by them and help them no matter how unacceptable their words and actions become . They add to this belief daily by telling you just that, and they can play on your love, your guilt, your relationship, and even your sense of right and wrong, to the point where you really aren't even sure what right and wrong is anymore. And, if you do hit a breaking point and realize the craziness of your own actions and refuse to give them money, or a ride or a place to stay, then they will scream and yell, tear things up, threaten, and often tell you they hate you and that you are the worst person ever. Then, like a switch was flipped, in the next breath they will be crying and apologizing and telling you that they really do love you and they just need help and they will get that help, if you only just do what they want right now. None of it do they actually believe or mean and all of it is manipulation with the goal of getting just the right reaction from you, to ultimately get whatever it is they want. It can be an exhausting roller coaster ride that can end up with you on the floor in a puddle, questioning everything you have ever known and doubting who you are as a person.

So how do you keep from literally going crazy and losing yourself in the process when you love an addict? You do what anyone does when going into battle. You put on armor to protect yourself from future attacks. Translated into the world of addiction, this means that you find the nearest Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting and you go, you listen, you learn and you gain the tools it takes to keep your sanity and protect yourself from future attacks. 

You will quickly learn to listen to others and understand that most have been if not in your exact shoes, then at the very least similar shoes. You learn to detach with love and start seeing your addict for who they really are and not just the image of who you want them to be. You set up boundaries and you stick to those boundaries and allow your addict to make their own choices and also to live with their own consequences. You quit trying to save them and focus on saving yourself. Most of all you have to realize that you didn't cause their addiction and you can't cure their addiction, but you can enable them to death, or die trying..... if you aren't careful.  

The world of addiction is a murky one and it doesn't just affect the addict. It has long reaching arms that affect everyone that loves the addict. It is such a toxic disease that it can not only destroy the addict, but also those closest to them. Just like you can't protect them from themselves, you however must protect yourself from them, and that is not an overly dramatic statement. No matter what your relationship was with them prior to their addiction, as addicts, they have no filter and no ability or desire to reign themselves in. They see nothing wrong with their behavior and everything wrong with the fact you don't understand that. More insanity.

The good news about all of this is.....there is always hope and when you finally go to that first meeting and start taking the necessary steps to put on end to the insanity and your own crazy behaviors, then it starts becoming easier to put the focus on you (where it needs to be) and to let your addict figure his choices and consequences out for him or herself. By taking these steps actually and figuratively, then often that hope comes to fruition much sooner. Myself and my addict are living proof of this. 

So if your addict has you at a breaking point and you know that you are acting crazy and feeling crazy, then give yourself the best gift you will ever give. Find yourself a meeting and give yourself the gift of sanity. Chances are, you will be like me, and be so grateful that you did. 

Until next time, here's hoping that you are able to look for the reality and not just the wished for, that you are able to let go of the crazy insanity, and that most of all, you can find your true self and your inner peace. 

It's Hard to be Humble....When You Think You Control the World

One of the things they talk about in AA and NA is being humble. It makes sense. You must humble yourself in order to see yourself as you truly are and to make the changes which you need to make to get clean and sober. It is no different in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon. In fact, for us, it is probably even more important. 

The definition of humble is: having or showing a modest or low estimate of one's own importance. Think of those words.....having a low estimate of one's own importance. For most of us who love an addict or alcoholic, before we find ourselves in one of the Nons (Al-Anon or Nar-Anon), we are usually just the opposite of humble. We don't mean to be and honestly, if someone asked us if we were humble, we would likely humbly say....yes. Truthfully though, our self importance is usually off the charts. 

When you have an addict in your world, whether it is a spouse, child, parent, sibling or best friend, you immediately don the cape, put the "S" on your chest, and take over the situation. You become savior, problem solver, banker, and public relations person, all in the blink of an eye. 

You pull your addict out of tough situations, pay fines and give them money for places to live and "necessities," talk to bosses about why they are late or just didn't show up, and you tell the world half truths and outright lies about why they stood in the yard and screamed "F-you" so the whole world could hear them. In essence, in your view of things, you are the most important person in their world and likely the world of your entire family, because you are the only one that can do all of this and "fix" things. Who needs God, when you are on the job? Oh the lies we tell ourselves. 

The reality is, we are enablers who do not make our addicts responsible for their own choices and actions. We buy them out of situations and sometimes go into debt doing it, cover up for their bad behavior, and lie to everyone about what is really going on and what they are really doing. By doing all of this, we are not helping the addict, we are making the rest of the family and those who care about us crazy, as they aren't blind and see the reality of what is going on, and we are just ensuring that our addict ALWAYS has a soft place to fall, no consequences, and a steady supply of sympathy and excuses that make his/her addiction and addictive behavior, that much easier to get by with. 

Because we enable, it becomes so easy for the addict to hone their gaslighting and manipulative skills and become the narcissistic individuals they must be, in order to keep their addiction lifestyle alive and well. Also, the longer we enable, the likelihood is, the longer they will keep the lifestyle going, because they won't hit their rock bottom until all comfort, help, money and people are gone from their lives. Then and only then do they start to question their life choices because they know that they and only them are responsible for what they are doing, the choices they are making, and all consequences of these choices. 

To put it bluntly, if you believe in God or a Higher Power, YOU have been stepping on God's toes and trying to take His place. Perhaps if you had backed off and yes, humbled yourself sooner, your addict would have learned a few crucial life lessons early on and not be where he/she is today. It's a tough reality, but a reality none the less. 

Why do we do all of this for and to our addict? Because we feel so lost, helpless, and out of control. When it comes to those we love, when they are hurting or heading down a bad path, it is human nature to want to step in and make it all right, even though it is not our hurt or our path to change or fix. Still, we feel we have to do something, which leads to believing that we actually have the power to do something, which finally leads to us doing all the wrong things because we have an exaggerated view of our own power and control in our head. Unfortunately, by the time we realize that if we had any real power or control, our addict would not in fact be an addict, we have already done more damage than intended with our own savior complex. 

So how do we undo the damage we have done? We don't, but admitting that we are powerless over our addicts choices and actions and over his/her addiction is a really great way to start making better choices for all involved going forward. 

Many scoff at the 12 Steps and yet the 12 Steps are so crucial in our own recovery and often our working them and working them well, also has a huge effect on our addict. So if you are all in and decide to work the steps, in my "humble" opinion, the key to starting them and working them, is to in fact, humble yourself, because trust me, those Steps are humbling. 

Truthfully, most of us have already begun the humbling process the moment we realize that our reality is that we are clueless in this whole addiction thing and nothing we are doing is helping. We are willing to try anything at this point, even the things we had scoffed at previously. That is what usually brings us to one of the Non meetings. To admit that nothing you are doing is working and that you have no control humbles a person pretty quickly. You begin to yank both the "S" off your chest and the cape off your back, and find some understanding that their addiction is their problem and it is not a problem that you can make better or fix. This is their issue. You have your own issues to deal with, starting with your savior complex. 

The good news is, once you have humbled yourself that first time, and have completely understood that you have no super powers in this or probably any situation, a lot of things start making sense, not just about how you have handled your addict and his/her addiction, but likely about many other things in your life too. You start seeing how much control you have tried to hold over everyone and everything and you realize that you can actually only control that which is yours.....your thoughts, your actions and how you live your life. Everything else should be off limits and out of your lane. In other words, you need to stay in your lane. 

The more you focus on you, and what brought you to be the control freak you have turned into, the more humble you seem to get. At times, it is almost difficult to realize and actually see the difference between what you thought you were doing and what you were actually doing where your addict was concerned. Throw in the fact that others in your life were watching, and at times even warning you and yet, you boldly ignored them, just sure you were right and they were imbeciles, and that humbling thing becomes shear embarrassment too. Sometimes though, we have to fall below the curb, to pull ourselves back to our knees and realize that we have to hand it to our Higher Power and give Him the control. 

So yeah, to be humble is to realize that you only have control over you and that at times, you don't even do that right. It is also, to step aside and not only see but also accept that there is something much bigger than we are, for me it is God, and that He's got this. He is the savior and He really doesn't need someone with a savior complex getting in the way of the lessons He maybe trying to teach. 

Sometimes we all fall out of line and forget that we aren't in control, but I promise you, just like that, those 12 Steps can slap you silly and bring you back to reality in a heartbeat. They can also help you to remember just who is really in control and that it ain't you. 

If any of this sounds like something you might be going through and if you are beginning to realize that you are truly powerless over your addict and his/her addiction, maybe one of the Non meetings  is for you. I encourage you to look for the nearest in person meeting near you or even to find one online. If you can't find one, please contact me at lelam3@sbcglobal.net or here in the comments and together, we will find a meeting for you. It just might be the best decision you have ever made. 

Until next time, be safe, be humble, and don't forget...your control is mostly an illusion and seldom a reality. 

Making Known the Unknowns of the "Nons"

Sometimes, the things that scare us the most about a situation, are the unknowns. It is doubly difficult if you aren't in the best head space to begin with. Today, maybe I can give someone who is thinking about going to a Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meeting, some peace of mind by telling you all, a little about what it's like and what you can and cannot expect. 

It is easy to get some pretty weird pre-conceived notions about what a meeting is like if you have never been. Often the mere mention of going to a meeting for some, can bring on feelings of being preached at, churchy and forced rules. After all, addiction is tough subject matter, so I guess there is an expectation that a meeting with the focus of addiction might be a little more complicated than it actually is. 

Others though, seem to put a wall up when the two "Nons"(Al-Anon and Nar-Anon) are mentioned because in some weird part of their brain, they see a meeting and those in attendance as trying to control them. I guess it makes sense that some might see it this way, because there is nothing that a controlling enabler hates more than someone trying to control them. 

Finally, there are those that feel that going to a meeting makes their situation too public and much too real. They are under the impression that they have the power to "fix" their situation and their addict without the help of a bunch of strangers at a meeting. Also, by breaking down and going, they might also actually have to admit that there is a problem which might totally kill their denial buzz. 

I can tell you from personal experience, that the reality is that none of these are correct. When you attend a "Non" meeting you are not there to be preached at about God or any other deity, and far from controlling, "Non" meetings are designed to allow you to make the best decisions for you. There is no control involved. And let's face it, if you show up at a "Non" meeting, you already have admitted that you are in over your head with addiction and your addict. You have likely already realized that "fixing" your addict is way above your pay grade. 

Feeling any better? The fact is, that a "Non" meeting is likely a meeting like none you have ever attended before. 

First of all, don't let the word meeting throw you off. Most of us view meetings as a group of people, in a room or office, where someone is in control and they do most of the talking, while everyone else listens, takes notes and speaks if asked. A "Non" meeting isn't really like that at all. 

While "Non" meetings do take place in a space big enough for those involved, that is pretty much where the similarities end. At a "Non" meeting, there is no one in control. In other words, everyone present is a family member or friend of an alcoholic or addict, but no one is above anyone else and no one is in charge or in control of anything. All are there for the same reason and trust me, by the time you have humbled yourself to the point of feeling this out of control, you have no desire to be in control of anything....including a meeting. 

At each meeting a leader is asked to volunteer for that meeting and that meeting alone, and when they do, their purpose is to read the opening and the closing and to start and end the meeting. They also collect any money donated at the meeting so that it can be given to the treasurer. *** The treasurer is agreed upon by the group and this person is responsible for depositing donations and purchasing any books or "Non" materials. That is as political or governed as "Non" gets. 

As for rules, they are pretty simple too. There are no bosses. No one is in control and no one runs the show. Whoever leads each time is a volunteer and everyone present is usually pretty careful to make sure that everyone gets a turn and takes a turn as leader. Those in attendance at a meeting, have the expectation of anonymity, and pretty much what happens at a meeting, stays at a meeting. Those present do not cross-talk, which means that if someone is talking, others present do not interrupt them, nor do they express their opinion on someone else's "share." A share by the way, is when it is your turn to talk and you say whatever is on your mind or on topic for that meeting. 

"Nons" do not affiliate themselves with anything other than AA or NA. They do not affiliate themselves with anything political or any business or corporation. While there is talk of a Higher Power, there is no affiliation with any church or religion and Higher Power can refer to anything you see as bigger than yourself. Finally, and maybe most importantly, "Nons" go on the premise that everyone has an opinion and a story. We  "share" to take the weight off ourselves and also, in the hopes that maybe our situation or story, can help someone else. That being said though, while many times we hear things in meetings that are just what we needed to hear, sometimes we hear things that either don't apply to us or that we simply don't agree with. That is why it even says in our closing that "You take what you need and leave the rest." 

When you enter a "Non" meeting for the first time, there is usually coffee available and you will enter into a room where others are likely already there. They will ask you your name and someone may even ask you if this is your first meeting. You only give them your first name and let them know that yes...you are a newbie. They will say "Welcome" and "Glad you are here." 

The leader will likely already have volunteered for the position and will have the opening ready (the opening is the same at all meetings no matter where you go) and at precisely the starting time, the leader will begin the meeting and read the opening, followed by any announcements or birthdays. Birthdays are not actually biological birthdays, but they are yearly from the date of your first meeting, much like the addict/alcoholic. You will then be invited as a group to recite The Serenity Prayer. This is not a requirement though, by any means. You then will begin going around the table or group, saying your name and have each person read one of the 12 Steps. Books are provided with the steps and usually, the walls have posters of the Steps, Concepts, Traditions and Slogans, so you can read right from the wall if you like. Once this is all out of the way, the leader will then either give the group a prechosen topic or will ask for topic ideas. Once the topic is chosen, this will be the crux of the meeting and either the leader will choose someone to begin sharing or someone will volunteer. 

A share can be done in a lot of ways. Many times a new person will decline a share and just say they are there to listen until they get comfortable with everything. Sometimes long time members will choose to pass too. Sometimes members attend, not to talk, but to listen, for the wise person knows that often we get far more from listening than talking. If this is what you choose, then it is absolutely fine. Someone else though, may pick up one of the books provided for the meeting and find the topic in the book and read about it. Another person may have something to share where the topic pertains to something they are going through and finally, someone else may need to share about something that has nothing to do with the topic, but is important for their own recovery. Once the share is complete, the group thanks them for being there and then it moves onto the next person. 

I think here is where I will elaborate a little more on the "sharing." I can't speak for anyone else but in my life, whenever I have been faced with something extremely difficult, I always look for someone who has been through it and survived. That is what "Non" meetings are, they are meetings full of those who have been fighting the war of loving someone with an addiction and they are surviving....one day at a time. Their shares, while being therapeutic for them, also tell their stories and give others in the room hope. Those shares tell everyone their that they are not alone and that others have been in their shoes and survived. 

Another thing about shares is that often, whatever the topic is, we can relate our current situation to it, whether it is one of the steps, a slogan, or a topic like detachment. On those occasions though, when you have just had a horrible week and need to talk about it and it has nothing to do with the topic at hand, that is perfectly fine too. The only two "rules" for sharing are that, no one is there to fix the addict or alcoholic. We are there for ourselves, to make ourselves, healthy, happy and whole, therefore, we need to keep the focus on ourselves as much as possible. The other thing is, most meetings try to stay at one hour, so you need to read the room and figure out the number of people present and try to keep your share fairly condensed to make sure everyone has a chance to share. On the occasion though that the share need is greater than maybe you think there is time for, it is perfectly okay to go over a bit. We all have those meetings and no one gets upset if the meeting runs a little long because someone needed a little extra time. 

Once everyone has had a chance to share, then the leader will do the closing. The closing like the opening is the same wherever you go. At the end, everyone is invited to stand, hold hands and say the Our Father. It is by no means again, a requirement though and at the very end, we remind each other to "Keep coming back. It works if you work it," referring to the program and the meetings. This is usually followed by a lot of hugs which you can participate in or not. 

Let me break this down a bit further. Yes, the beginning and end do have prayers, but your vision of God or a Higher Power may not be my vision and vice versa. You look to the Higher Power you are comfortable with. It maybe God, it may be the universe and it may be something totally different. It will however, always be something bigger than yourself. 

The Serenity Prayer at the beginning reminds us that there has to be something bigger than we are, or else we wouldn't have the need to be there. After all, if we could fix our addict/alcoholic and the situation ourselves, wouldn't we have already done that? And the final Our Father is definitely born in Christianity, but again, it brings us to the fact that we can't do this alone, and we are admitting we are powerless and need to turn our situation into bigger hands than our own. One more time though, participating in opening and closing prayers are not a requirement to going to a "Non" meeting and no one stands in judgement of you if you choose not to participate.

So what about these Steps? Are you required to do the steps at meetings? No. You are not required to do anything at these meetings and while The Steps are referred to and talked about at meetings, Step work is usually done outside the meetings and on your own time and usually with a sponsor.

A sponsor. What is that and do I have to have one? A sponsor is someone who usually either has been  in "Non" for a long time, or has an especially good handle on what the program is about. To get a sponsor, you simply ask someone that you think might be a good fit with you, and if they feel that they are good sponsor material for you, then they will agree to do it and the two of you will figure out a sponsor/sponsee relationship that works for you. 

A sponsor will help to guide you through the program, the Steps,  and even through your life when you struggle. They can be your best friend or your worst enemy as they will always be dead honest with you and not pull any punches. Trust me, it is what you need if you want to get the most from your program. And....you may go through a few sponsors before you find one that is a good fit, and this is absolutely okay. Do you have to have one? No. Do you need one? Probably, but the beauty of the program is that you can always choose a sponsor when you are ready, but again....not a requirement to be in the program.

A "Non" meeting, will likely be the scariest meeting you ever go to the first time. It will not be because of the meeting itself, it will be because of your preconceived notions about your ability to handle your addict and their addiction and also, you might be leery of just what might go on behind the closed doors of the meeting. Once there though, it will likely be the easiest decision you have ever made, to come back, not to mention the best decision you have ever made. Like anything else, if you go to a meeting and it is not a good fit, then try another. Also, give any "Non" meeting you go to, at least six tries. You deserve to do that for yourself and most people find that after six tries, they are getting something positive out of the meetings that keeps them coming back. 

Is Al-Anon and Nar-Anon for everybody? No! It is only for those who are sick and tired of being sick and tired and are powerless over both their addict and the addiction. It is for those that realize that if they had any true control over the situation, that their addict would not be an addict. And finally, it is for those who realize that they are to the point of feeling insane, trying to fix that which is not for them to fix. Until and unless you are one of these people then you are probably right.....the "Nons" are not for you.   

Well, maybe this will help someone. Maybe this will ease someone's mind and help them to find a meeting and give their own recovery a try. Trust me, they aren't just words, the program does work. All that is required of you is....to work it!

So if you think one of the "Nons" might be for you, you can look online and find local meetings near you. Since COVID, lots of online meetings and zoom meetings are also out there. If you still can't seem to find one and need help, please don't hesitate to contact me and together maybe we can find a meeting that is just right for you. 

Until next time, please know that you are worth it, happiness is an option, and recovery is possible. 

***There is no charge to go to a meeting but people usually throw in a dollar or two to help offset the cost of coffee and "Non" reading materials and books.***

Dealing With Family and Friends

Sometimes, when we have an addict in our world, it is actually not the addict that is the hardest person to deal with. Often, there are family members or friends who are much more difficult than the addict themselves. This usually springs from the fact that those difficult family members and friends don't actually live in the home with the addict and they don't see just who the addict really is while in active addiction. Unless you are faced with addiction and an addict up close and personally, people just don't have an understanding of what you might be going through. Because of this, there can be a great deal of struggle, misinformation and denial going on with them, and that can get thrown right back on you. 

The truth is, that it isn't always the family members and friends fault. If your addict was a really good person  pre-addiction, and that is the only version they know of the addict, then they are going to have no idea that this person has turned into one of the worlds best liars and manipulators, and they will not be able to reconcile the person they think they know to the person they are now dealing with. They will also not see that this addict can read a room like no other and will know who they can manipulate and who they can't. So they will not see it coming when the addict puts on a good face to get anything from money to a ride or anything else they think they might want or need in the moment. Yep, if you don't know addiction or addictive behavior, then you can't possibly prepare yourself for what is to come.

I have heard so many people talking about along with dealing with their addict, also having to deal with other family members. It is frustrating when those outside your addiction bubble aren't privy to the anger, the name calling, the mood swings, the lying, the stealing and the disrespect for anyone and everyone. All those outside the bubble see is what the addict wants them to see and because the addict can be a charming yet narcissistic creature, those family and friends on the outside will believe them above you a good percent of the time. And because they are not part of the active addiction, they have no understanding of your need for boundaries or detachment, thus, you are seen as too judgmental, too insensitive, too mean or just flat out a liar, while the addict comes out smelling like a rose. 

The worst situations though, can arise when you try to tell family and friends not to give the addict money and in some cases, to not even let the addict into their homes......and yet they ignore you and do it anyway. The addict has them so thoroughly convinced that you are crazy, delusional or just out to get them, so ultimately those on the outside have no idea they are being enablers, but instead see themselves as knights in shining armor, helping the poor addict, because you refuse to. It is frustrating, infuriating, and in the end, you always end up looking like a mean and uncaring monster, just because you have boundaries and are willing to stick to them. 

So what do we do about these friends and family who refuse to see the truth and insist on seeing us as the bad guy and the addict as a victim? The answer is simple. You do nothing and let them figure it out for themselves. I learned the hard way, that if you tell someone once what the situation is and warn them to protect their money, their possessions, their residence and their hearts from the addict and they don't listen, then telling them a second time or a twenty-second time will not make them any more willing to listen or hear you. Often, them finding out the hard way after they have been used, stolen from and ultimately hurt over the situation is they only way they end up seeing the truth. 

In the beginning, when my son was just starting down the path to active addiction, and long before I found Al-Anon, I still knew something wasn't right. I wasn't exactly sure what was going on, but I saw how fast money was going through his hands with nothing to show for it, how his behaviors were changing day by day for the worse, and I saw the rough crowd he was starting to hang with. Even just knowing all of this and yet really knowing nothing, I knew that giving him money was a horrid mistake. Luckily, I had none to give him, but at some point, I started thinking about those in my world who might. Little did I know though, he had already been spreading the word how awful I was, how unfair I was, and how I was just plain crazy, and sadly, more people than I would like to admit, believed him. So when I started telling people that something was going on with him and not to give him money for any reason, there were those that saw me as the villain and him as the victim. Again, luckily, there were not that many in our world that had the money to give, so regardless of what some thought of me, they didn't have the means to hand him money or "help" him out. Unfortunately however, there was one who did.....my dad. 

My dad at the time, was your typical senior man who had invested well, saved well and had prepared well for retirement. What he didn't do well, was listen to others. He and I didn't have the best of relationships to begin with, although, funny thing, his feelings for me didn't carry over to his grandkids. He was crazy about them.......at least until they made him mad or disappointed him. At this time, my addict had yet to do either. My son knew full well though, that staying on his grandfathers good side was imperative in order to get a steady stream of money and what better way to do that, then to keep my dad and I at odds. I told my dad many a time not to give my son money, and each time he did it anyway, often telling him not to tell me. I even broke down crying to my dad and begging him not to give my son anymore money because he was an addict, and my dad flat out told me that I was being ridiculous and that I was just jealous of the relationship between him and my son. It was so frustrating and at the time, a little hurtful too. 

It wasn't until much later that I learned just how much money he had given my addicted son, and by this time, everyone knew my sons situation. Rather though, than admit that he hadn't listened to me and had given my son all of this money despite what I had told him, he instead told others that I had simply taken the money from him, and put the blame squarely on me. Again....hurtful, but not surprising. 

Later on, as I joined Al-Anon and learned the tools needed for loving an addict, I also learned that I had no control over what others did or thought, addict or not. I realized that my constantly telling others that my son was an addict and not to be trusted, really helped no one, especially if they already had their minds made up. I learned while standing back and watching, that eventually, my sons own actions would be his undoing where these people were concerned and at some point, they would and did see the truth, even if like my dad, they had to learn the hard way. 

As time went on, and my son fell further into his addiction, those whom he had tried to keep up a good front with, soon became expendable in his life and not worth his time or effort, if money, a place to stay or rides weren't involved, since the end game was to keep the addiction and the addict lifestyle going. What is truly sad though, is that some of those people who refused to believe what he was doing until he himself showed them, now forever view him as that person. It is sad too, because my son the recovering addict is really a pretty awesome person. Maybe one day they will find this out.  

I guess the bottom line is, if you have an addict in your life and you have family and friends causing more of a struggle in your life than even your addict is, my suggestion to you is as always, go to meetings and put the focus on you. Gain the tools you need at those meetings, but don't try to tell others what they refuse to hear. You can only take care of you. In the end, they will likely have to learn the hard way and yes, that can make your addict collateral damage, by them giving him money or enabling him, but your addict and his/her enablers are entitled to make their own choices, even if they are bad ones.

Also remember, if your family members and friends get too toxic in your life, detaching and boundaries are not just good to help the situation with your addict. Sometimes a few good boundaries and a little detaching from other individuals in your life will also help more than you can know. 

Traditionally, other family members and friends can be considered a great support system, unfortunately though, because addiction is what it is, this is not always the case when you are dealing with an addict. Sometimes, in order to survive, you  have to detach from those on the outside and keep your boundaries strong and tight even from the most well intentioned people, in order to keep your own peace and your own sanity. 

So if  you or someone you know is dealing with an addict and feels powerless  over the addiction and the addict, then find an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting near you. If you can't find a meeting on your own, please contact me and together we will find you one so that you never have to feel powerless again.

Until next time, share a smile, find a meeting and most of all remember......it works if you work it. 

Expectations Are Not Our Friend

It is interesting that when I finally gave in an joined Al-Anon, I latched on to several things right off the bat. The first thing was "detaching with love," which I don't think I had ever heard of before Al-Anon. That was just crazy talk. Parents didn't detach, they held on for dear life and enabled.....right? I had no idea what this detaching with love was or how to do it, but once it was explained to me, it made perfect sense. 

The second thing I grabbed a hold of like a life line, was the concept of "boundaries" as up until that moment, I had absolutely zero boundaries and therefore, my addict was walking all over me and using me like a cheap rug. The saying, "We get what we allow," could not be more true.

Finally and maybe the most important thing that really struck a nerve with me and made me re-evaluate everything I had ever thought about and done was the concept of "expectations," and that is what I am going to talk about today. 

At each meeting, there is usually a topic presented to be discussed. I think it was maybe my second meeting when I was still very new and trying to take in all that was being talked about, that the topic of "expectations," came up. On the surface and without context, it made little sense to me how this would fit in with myself, my addict and me or this Al-Anon group helping me to fix things. Yes, I was still of the mindset that I had some sort of power to control or fix my addict and his addiction. It took me a couple of more meetings to realize that the only fixing I would be doing was myself. 

Expectations though, are common. We all have them. We expect our spouse to walk through the door at 5:30 p.m. for dinner. We expect our kids to go to school and work hard. We expect the neighbor to keep their dog and his business on their property. What happens though, when our expectations aren't met? When our spouse doesn't walk in the door at 5:30 and hasn't called, when our kid doesn't work so hard at school and brings home a failing grade or when the neighbors dog does in fact use our yard as his own private toilet? Do you feel angry, upset, disappointed, scared, and a host of other emotions that have both a negative effect on you and a negative effect on the person whom you put your expectations on in the first place?   

Expectations are pesky little creatures and they can work their way into situations and cause a whole lot more harm than good. How? Because expectations are our pre-conceived notions about how something should be, how someone else should act, and how we want something to turn out. Very seldom do those in our lives, addict or otherwise, consistently live up to our expectations. Furthermore, our expectations are usually not based in reality. They are based in a fantasy of how we "think" things should be and often, others are not able, nor do they want to live up to our fantastical idea of how we have decided it should all turn out. 

The worst thing about expectations though, are that they almost always leave us disappointed. When I would have the expectation that my addict should/could/would want to get clean and not live on the street, and then he would turn around and make no effort to get clean or leave the streets, I would be disappointed to the point of devastation. It made no sense to me. This usually led me to letting him know just how disappointed I really was, throwing verbal guilt darts at him, which did in fact make him feel guilty and worthless because in the moment, he couldn't be or do what I wanted him to. My expectations and the resulting disappointment helped nothing. It took me a while to realize that what made sense to me, didn't make the same sense to someone who was an active drug user and whose brain had been affected by said drugs. He no longer thought as a non-drug user. He thought as an addict and that can be some really non-sensical thinking.  

I believed or expected that wanting to get clean was a no brainer. It only made sense to me, that being clean would always trump living and using on the streets. The reality though, was that my addict was just that.....an addict and because of that, he thought, felt, acted and reacted like an addict. Addicts want one thing and one thing only.....drugs. They want them when and how they want them and the streets provide them with that. They can't conceive of a world where they can't do their drug of choice and any suggestion that they might go to detox and get clean is shear madness to their drug addicted brain. In other words, he had no ability or desire to live up to my expectations and in turn, my expectations were ridiculous given what we were dealing with. 

Once the realization that expectations are a deterrent to both my program and his chance at sobriety finally set in, I began to understand that my expectations of others and not just my addict were often unobtainable and regardless of who they were aimed at, the end result was likely going to be guilt on their part and disappointment on mine. It was a viscous cycle that helped nothing and didn't move the relationship or the process along at all. Then I started thinking about how much I not only expected out of others, but also myself, and even inanimate situations. I was nothing but one big ball of unattainable and unattained expectations which made me miserable with everyone and everything all the time. 

Then there came a day, when I put all my expectations away. I was going to meet my addict for lunch and always before I would have some form of expectation which usually didn't come to pass within the first few minutes, leaving me unhappy and him uncomfortable and then what time we did have together, was just wasted. This day though, I made up my mind that I didn't care how he looked, what he said, or even if he cut our time short. All I was interested in was spending some time with him whether that be five minutes or an hour. 

When I picked him up, I smiled and told him he looked nice and that I loved him. I asked him no questions but told him that I was glad to see him. For awhile he was quiet as I am sure he was wondering who is this crazy woman and what has she done with my mother? 

After a bit though, he seemed to relax and he volunteered some information about what he had been doing and where he had been staying. I made no comments and I didn't allow my face to reveal anything but a smile. We ended up spending about 90 minutes together and not once did we fight, nor did I feel disappointment and thus, he had no reason to feel guilt. Before he got out, he thanked me and told me he loved me. Hmmmm......so they were right at Al-Anon. The program does work if you work it! 

From that day forward, I learned that as bad as his addiction affected us, my expectations were just as lethal and were certainly not the ticket to making either one of us better. It was a lesson I still pull from in so many different situations today. I realized that my expectations had always outweighed the reality of what was achievable in my families lives. And not even so much achievable, but I had expectations of what I wanted for and from my kids, that would never be met because what I expected from their lives, was not in fact what they even wanted. Yeah......deep...deep....lessons. 

Now a days, when I hear someone say how disappointed they are with their own addict or even their spouse or kids, I gently bring up expectations and my own experiences, and nine times out of ten, I will see a lightbulb come on above their head. You just know they are thinking about their own expectations and how often that they too have been left frustrated and disappointed. It's not rocket science and when you get down to it, it just makes perfect sense. To have expectations sets us up for nothing more than feeling frustration and disappointment. If we can't control anyone but ourselves, then what makes us think that it is okay to have expectations for anyone but ourselves? 

Al-Anon has taught me so much about my own behaviors and how toxic they could be. More than that though, Al-Anon has given me tools to avoid and change those behaviors and to replace them with positive, constructive and productive ones. They have helped me to realize just how much I had to change me...and funny thing, when I changed me, others seemed to see the change and then they made changes too....this included my addict. 

Addiction is a destructive thing and it takes down everything in it's path. It destroys relationships and families and takes us from being semi-normal, thoughtful people, to at times, crazed lunatics with unrealistic thoughts and expectations. Al-Anon though, can help us to remove the craziness and the expectations and show us that regardless of whether our addict gets clean or not, we still have our own lives to live and that can be done in a healthy way that might even bring us a little happiness along the line. 

If you have an addict in your life and you feel powerless and need help to find your way back to sanity, find your nearest Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meeting and go. What do you have to lose.....other than expectations, frustrations, disappointments and the shear lunacy of it all? If you can't find a meeting, then feel free to contact me either through my email lelam3@sbcglobal.net or in the comments down below. 

Until next time, stay healthy, stay happy, expect nothing and most of all remember,.....the program works if you work it!

The First Time and Step #1

 There is a lot that goes into taking that first step inside an Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meeting and for ease of understanding and me writing this, I will refer to Al-Anon/Nar-Anon going forward as Al-Anon only. I went to Al-Anon many years ago at the request of my husband. When we met, he was three years clean and sober and he felt me going to Al-Anon would help me to understand addiction a bit better. The problem was that I had never known him as an active addict, nor had I knowingly known any addict, so I had no understanding of Al-Anon or what those attending the meeting were going through. I went to a few meetings, but it sadly meant little to me at the time. 

Jump ahead 20+ years, and Al-Anon was reintroduced into my consciousness. I fought it like the plague. Every time it was mentioned by friends, healthcare workers or counselors, I felt my body physically recoil and a wall went up immediately. I think my biggest issue with Al-Anon was that to agree to go, I had to agree there was a problem, and I was still so deeply in denial, that I just wouldn't. 

It wasn't until my RAS was so out of control and I was so at my wits end and out of solutions, that I was willing to try anything, that I was willing to revisit the idea of Al-Anon. I wasn't eating, sleeping or even functioning as a human being anymore. My own actions had gotten manipulative and crazy and I could no longer deny that addiction was damaging my family and slowly destroying my body, mind and soul. Up until this point, everyone in the free world could see what was going on but me. Finally the day came, after an intense situation at the counselors office where my RAS had a verbal and almost physical meltdown and police were called, that I realized that I was in way over my head. I know I must have looked so out of my element,  and the counselor took me aside and said, "It's time. You need Al-Anon." The fight was gone in me. I was exhausted and I had no answers, so maybe Al-Anon could tell me how to fix this. All of my own efforts to this point had been in vain, so maybe they could help. 

As I have stated before, stepping into that meeting that first time was nothing that I expected and everything that I needed. I walked in with the intention of letting the world know how my RAS had wronged me and asking how I could fix him. I walked out knowing that no one had wronged me, and that the only one I could fix was me. Who knew? I didn't even know I needed fixed! Looking back though, I soooooo needed fixed!!!

In that first meeting, in that first hour, maybe the best hour of my life, I learned that I was not alone, I was no crazier than anyone else with an active addict in their life and that while I had no control over my addict, his actions or choices, I had complete control over myself, my actions and my choices. Nothing was going to change or get better in my life until I took control of me, and surrendered everything else to my Higher Power. 

Now I know that one excuse a lot of people give about not wanting to join Al-Anon, is because of "the Higher Power," talk. Many don't believe in God or at the very least are on the fence about God, so bringing Him in to all of this is difficult for them. Since God has always been a part of my life, this was not an issue for me, but I did in fact sit around a table with a lot of people, who maybe didn't all believe in God, but they had grasped the idea of a power greater than themselves. They were fully aware that in this battle of  facing the addiction of someone they loved, this was way out of their pay grade. They had done everything "they "could, but nothing worked. So yes, they were willing to turn this all over to the Higher Power that made sense to them. Whether it was person or spirit, they knew that there was something greater than they were and they were willing to surrender all of it to Him, because they were at their own rock bottom. 

There are no hard and fast rules in Al-Anon except for anonymity, no cross talk, and no political or business affiliations. Meetings and information are based on a "take what you like and leave the rest," policy. In other words, there are Steps, Traditions, Concepts, sponsors, shares and literature and all can be used and worked as part of your individual program, or you can just sit there, listen and share if you like. However, the more you work the program and use all of the above, the quicker things start to change.....for the better. 

The first thing I heard at my first meeting, aside from the fact that I was no martyr and the only one I could fix was me, was the First Step. Knowing I was new, I was loaded up with books and literature, which I was grateful for and which I use to this day, but the kindest thing was that someone took me aside and explained the Steps to me and introduced Step #1 to me. 

In the building of anything, you need a really good foundation. This is the same with building a new life through the Al-Anon Steps. Each Step builds upon itself, and yet, you don't have to work the Steps in order. If like me though, you need order, and you can't go all willy nilly and start with Step #5, then taking them in order is just fine, as each Step prepares you for the next. There is also no set time to work on a Step, but I usually just know when I think I am ready to move on. There have been times though, that I am wrong and I have gone clear back to Step #1, just to get my baring's again. 

So what is this important foundation Step? Just what is Step #1? 

Step #1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/addiction-that our lives had become unmanageable.  

This Step spoke to me like no other. I had tried everything to fix my addict and our situation and nothing worked. My life was unmanageable to the point that in some ways, I was just as sick as my addict was. 

I don't think anyone can come to Al-Anon and not be brought to their knees with the power of those words. This hits home with anyone who has suffered through watching someone they love become an addict and lose huge pieces of who they were. Anyone who has looked at their addict and realized that they no longer even recognize the person that they once knew. And anyone who has lied, manipulated and torn their world upside down and inside out just to protect their addict, all the while, denying that their addict has a problem that they/you can't fix. 

That day at the counselors office, when I was in shock over his behaviors, when I had no answers and when the police had to intervene, that counselor knew that I was powerless over this addiction and over my addict. My life was so unmanageable as it played out for the world to see and she knew I needed Al-Anon. 

In the almost 3 years since I joined Al-Anon, I have come back to Step #1 many times and it hasn't all been about my RAS's addiction. The funny thing about the Steps is that they come in handy in many situations in life. I have learned that I have zero power over most things in life and that is when I hand it to my Higher Power. I can only control myself, my actions and my reactions and even with them, I still need help from time to time from my Higher Power. 

In a way, it is rather freeing to know that I don't have to take the weight of the world on my shoulders. I can't fix people or change them and I am not responsible for the choices they make (good or bad) nor the actions they put forth...again, good or bad. Also, knowing that I have my Higher Power to turn to when things get overwhelming, out of control and unmanageable gives me peace of body, mind and soul. 

Step #1 is my go to step when things bother me, when I start thinking that I am my own Higher Power and have more control than I do, or when I start to feel out of control. It pulls me back and gives me clarity of who I am and just what I can control and am responsible for. I am grateful for it every single day. 

So this is a little peak into the Steps of Al-Anon. They actually follow pretty closely with the AA/NA steps. They are a light in the darkness of addiction and a bit of sanity in this insane world. 

If you have an addict in your life and you are feeling out of your element, powerless or out of control, maybe Al-Anon can help you too. If you need more information about Al-Anon/Nar-Anon or need help finding a meeting near you, please get in touch with me lelam3@sbcglobal.net or leave a message in the comments below. 

Until next time. Find a meeting. Work your program. It works if you work it!

Two Years and Two Percent

It appears at this stage of my life, I am always a day late and a dollar short. I spend most days behind, the moment I get out of bed, so it should be no shock that I did not do a timely post and mention of my RAS's two year sobriety day, which occurred on April 13, 2021, but better late than never....here it is. 

As a parent, this day was both a miraculous wonder, and reminder that not every addict makes it this far and even when they do, it doesn't mean addiction can never happen again. No, this is not me being Debbie Downer. This in fact is me being Realistic Ruth. That being said, I am so proud of him and all that he has accomplished. In fact, in the process of his recovery, in this last year, he also gave up smoking and vaping. These are all such difficult things to do, and yet he has found the inner strength to do it. His strength truly amazes me. 

God can be an interesting fellow, as at times He gently keeps me rooted in reality in mysterious ways,  whether I want to be or not. As I was going through my already mixed up emotions about this sobriety date and fluctuating between such relief that I no longer am the mom that has to wonder if my son is cold, safe, sick, dying or dead because of his addiction, and the reality that addiction is always just one bad moment, choice, or thought away from being "active" again, a Facebook picture stopped me in my tracks. 

I am part of several Al-Anon/Nar-Anon groups on Facebook, as well as some other groups dealing with addiction. One in particular is "The Addicts Diary." It gives a view into the lives of recovering addicts and their journeys. For the parents, spouses, children and friends of those with addiction, this page/group is immensely helpful and shows that there is always hope, even in the darkest moments of addiction. It was on this page that I saw a picture of a tattoo. It was on someone's hand, and it simply said, "2%". The captioning explained that only 2% of all methamphetamine addicts stay clean for life. Being that my RAS is only two years in and basically a newborn in terms of clean years, and knowing that he has many, many years left of "life" with ups and downs, pain, sorrow and joys, this caught me up quickly. Will he be able to fight through the downs, pain and sorrow, and stay clean, so that he can be around for the ups and joys? Then I remembered, my son is strong, he quit meth, weed, all drugs, alcohol and nicotine. These are some of life's toughest substances. He is strong, he has a program, and he has his Higher Power, so my money is on my son. So just maybe, he will be that 2%. My heart and soul relaxed a bit. 

Now the interesting part where God relaxed my heart even further. My RAS, who like his mother, likes tattoos, was discussing tattoos with me a couple of day's ago. I had just gotten another tattoo, so the subject was fresh on our minds when he said, "I have found my next tattoo." Not knowing what band name or video game symbol he was going to blurt out next, he simply said, "I am getting '2%". I almost choked. I could feel tears well up and he asked me if I knew what it meant. I told him that I did. While his taste in tattoo's are certainly not mine, his tattoos each have meaning to him, from childhood memories to things that touch his soul, so I have no doubt, the 2% tattoo will be a lasting reminder to him that being in that 2% is literally the difference between life and death. 

Yes, his sobriety at times is a double edged sword for me and it can invoke worry. That is when I know that I need to direct my attention back to myself and let him live his life. Most days though, I am able to remember that no matter how trying the day, I can stop and look at all that I have to be grateful for. In whatever moment I am in, I am blessed. In this moment, I am good. I have no control over tomorrow, but right now, life is just pretty okay. I guess that is why we focus on one day at a time. 

On another note, after my last blog here, I had several people reach out to me who have family members that are in active addiction and they asked that I write more on the subject of being the parent of an addict. Most had no idea that I even had a blog about this or a RAS. 

It is my belief that as a member of Al-Anon/Nar-Anon, that service to others is my duty and perhaps this blog can be of some service. So I have decided in honor of my RAS's two year anniversary of sobriety and in an effort to give back and be of service, that I am going to try and give this blog a little more attention and to tell more of my story as an addicts mother. This in no way though, is a replacement for finding yourself an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon group, sponsor and working a program. My blog is not to tell you what to do in your life, it simply will be a narration of what I have done, pre Al-Anon and since Al-Anon in my life. 

I want you to know too, that I am always here to answer any questions about Al-Anon that I can or simply just to talk, because nothing is more lonely or more scary than loving someone with an addiction and not knowing where to turn as well as feeling like you are the only one going through it. Trust me, you are not. You can always get in touch with me in the comments below or you can email me at lelam3@sbcglobal.net. I check my emails daily. 

So for today, in this moment, all is good, I am blessed, and yes.....two years is definitely something to celebrate. 

Until next time, find that program and work that program. It works if you work it.